Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on Mar 31, 2011 15:31:22 GMT -5
Hmm, I'll try that, might look a bit ugly though haha :/! Oh well, did you read it? Does it still make sense?  |
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Esmeralda
Charmed
S2 "What If...?"
Fan Fic Winner
Twenty Years Gone....But Never Forgotten.
Posts: 21,920 
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Post by Esmeralda on Mar 31, 2011 17:50:56 GMT -5
At fanfiction.net, looks don't matter - the words do.
Sorry, haven't had time to read it. Looking over, I didn't really like how you turned Prue into a superwitch - it appeared that whitelighters were always given the choice whether to be one, and I just can't see Prue agreeing to be under the Elders' thumb. Besides, whitelighters are usually mortals, not witches.
But except for that, it looks okay. One of the reviews said it sounded familiar. Did you post an earlier version under a different name? Fanfiction.net might end up deleting this version on you unless you delete the earlier version.
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Reality Bites
Familiar
When witches don't fight we burn.
Posts: 452 
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Post by Reality Bites on Mar 31, 2011 18:05:03 GMT -5
I read the first episode, and I'd like to encourage you to keep writing. As far as a review from my perspective, the story seems to struggle to find its footing, and the characters need more development as there isn't much in the story to help us get to know them. This is especially so for the newer characters Paris and Cruise, who seem one-dimensional. It's apparent that they will be featured characters, especially Paris, so we need to get a better feel of her character if we are going to connect with her as readers as you have as her writer/creator.  As the writer, you know everything about these characters, but as a reader we know nothing. If it weren't for the fact that most of the characters already appeared on Charmed for a season or more, I really wouldn't know anything about their personalities given the structure of this story. My advice would be to take time to portray more of the characters' emotions and describe more of their physical habits so we can get a better gist of them. Prue seems a bit off in this story as well... I don't recognize her character at all, but then again (given the story's timeline) it's been six years since her canon appearance so maybe in future installments we can find out more about how she is who she is now. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue following this series. Maybe by the second and third installments, I'll know if this series is for me or not.  |
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Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on Apr 1, 2011 9:17:16 GMT -5
Thanks for taking the time guys I know there seems to be more action than emotion in this episode, but I handled the whole emotional reaction in the second episode, I am going to air the second episode later as they were originally designed as a two-part episode. Please read the second one and then decide if the series is not for you |
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Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on Apr 1, 2011 12:06:43 GMT -5
Okay guys, the second episode is here: It carries on straight after Episode One, originally I designed it as a two-parter but wanted different title names. So I'm airing this now, but I will continue airing the rest of the episodes on a weekly basis. In regards to some comments made up there ^ this one deals heavily on the emotion of the sisters. Please read and tell me what you think guys. www.fanfiction.net/s/6856736/2/Super_Witch_A_Charmed_SpinOff |
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Esmeralda
Charmed
S2 "What If...?"
Fan Fic Winner
Twenty Years Gone....But Never Forgotten.
Posts: 21,920
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Post by Esmeralda on Apr 1, 2011 13:00:16 GMT -5
Again just had time to glance through Part 2 - I hope to read the whole thing later - but right now I'm not impressed. For one thing, I don't like the combination of script and fics. I know that fanfiction.net doesn't allow scripts, but putting in opening credits and music and everything else is distracting in a fic. Your better bet is to do this as a virtual series and set up a message board, something similar to Lexi's Charmed Spin-Offs or Charmed: Reality Reset and post the script version there (including all the graphics) and post a purely prose version at fanfiction.net Second, I do not like Paris! I'm always suspicious of any Original Female Character in a Charmed fic whose name starts with a P and she is very obviously your Mary Sue. Get rid of her and let her part be taken over by one of the sisters. Third, if that's your idea of showing emotions, sorry, not interested. |
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Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on Apr 1, 2011 13:06:11 GMT -5
Oh right okay aha, well fair enough if you don't like it.
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Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on Apr 20, 2011 18:08:08 GMT -5
Third episode is up on fanfiction.net if anybody is interested.
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Post by joshingabout on May 8, 2011 18:41:38 GMT -5
I've left reviews for episodes 1 and 2 =D I will definitely keep reading! I'm liking it so far.
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Astral Alex
Familiar
#1 Prue Halliwell Fan
Not all those who wander are lost.
Posts: 710
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Post by Astral Alex on May 11, 2011 17:49:55 GMT -5
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