JustRo's "Everybody Hates Billie!"

[Esmeralda]

Since a number of people liked JustRo's ’A Halliwell Christmas Carol’ I had to post my favorite of JustRo's (unfortunately) few fanfics. This one is very simply FUN!

Fair warning to anyone who likes *anyone* in S8 - this one is pure parody, making fun out of everyone, so if you're easily insulted, you might not want to read it. But those who enjoy parodies will definitely enjoy this one!

INDEX CARD

Title: Everyone Hates Billie
Author: Justro
Season: 8
Genre: parody
Rating: PG for Charmed-type language and violence
Status: Completed
Stand-Alone
Main Characters: Sisters. Billie. Assorted others.
Brief Summary/Synopsis: Billie has arrived in the sisters' lives. They don't like it at all. Funnily enough, neither did we!!

Disclaimer: Charmed not mine blah blah if I ever created a character as crap as Billie, please place me in mental institution and not let me near a tv show blahblah bitty blah.

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Everybody Hates Billie
Written by JustRo

Episode 1
Breakfast with Billie

Piper was busy getting Wyatt and baby Chris’s breakfast. Paige had just orbed in for some of Piper’s home made breakfast muffins and Phoebe was perched on a stool in the Kitchen, hunched over her laptop, trying, as usual, to write her column at the last minute.

‘She’s just so..so…annoying. There’s just something about her that sets my teeth on edge’ Paige bitched about her charge.

‘She’s young, immature’ said Piper, ‘she can’t help it. You were like that once’

‘I was never that obnoxious’ stated Paige.

Phoebe looked up. ‘While you’re handing out the advice, Piper, here’s one you can help with:

’Dear Phoebe,

I am writing because I am so very distraught over my grandaughers. They have a destiny to fulfil, yet it seems all they do lately is ramble on about men, having babies, and wanting to be normal. I've told them a thousand times that men are like spoons and should be kept in drawers, but they just laugh at me and go on ignoring their destiny What should I do?

Sincerely,

Concerned, Dead Grams Walking’

‘I mean, how can anyone relate to a weirdo letter like that?’ Phoebe pouted.


Billie rummaged through the racks of hanging clothes. ‘Ohhhhh’, she thought, ‘this outfit is so stylish!’ She pulled it off the hanger and prepared to try it on. ‘Sexy AND practical with its wipe clean finish’ she thought as she admired herself in the mirror.

There was a slight ‘wumphing’ noise outside in the hallway.

‘Uh-oh’, thought Billie - ‘demons!’ and she ran outside to the top of the stairs and looked down. She could see the top of the demon’s head.

‘Uh – Piper? Demons in the hallway’ Paige orbed the babychair with Chris in it out of the direct line of Piper and the hallway.

‘What? Demons? At breakfast time? AGAIN?.’ Piper glared, and the mere tone of her voice made Paige and Phoebe wince. They felt sorry for the demon on the receiving end of one Piper’s bitching sessions.

‘Maybe she’ll just kill them quickly and not lecture them ‘ whispered Phoebe to Paige.

‘I thought we had an agreement,’ Piper shouted at the demons. ‘No demonic activity during breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day!’ and with that, flicked her hands almost carelessly towards the demon causing it to howl at the onslaught of the nagging lecture and as its arm blew up.

‘Never interrupt us while we're eating. It can cause indigestion!’, she screamed, and raised her hands to finally obliterate the demon.

‘Demonth – Thurrender or Die!’ Billie lisped in a high pitched squeal and leapt over the banisters, executing a triple flip back summersault, despite wearing 5 inch spikey high heels.

Piper’s final gesture towards the demon was at exactly the same time as Billie landed beside it in the hallway.

‘what the f***?’ exclaimed the demon and Piper simultaneously, as the demon then exploded into flames.

‘Oh god no’ moaned Paige

‘eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk’ screamed Billie as she caught the full impact of the demon explosion, and fell on the floor, with her hair and clothing on fire.

‘What – WHO is that?’ asked Piper.

Yes – who?’ demanded Phoebe ‘ and why is she wearing my clothes?’

‘That’s Billie, my new charge. I told you she was annoying!’ said Paige.

The three charmed ones gathered round the writhing body of Billie as she smouldered in the hallway.

‘We should really put her out’ said Phoebe, ‘and at least save what’s left of my outfit’. Paige poured a pitcher of cold water over Billie.

‘Leo’ bawled Piper. Leo orbed in. ‘Oh my!’ he said, and began to heal Billie. ‘Hey – what about healing my outfit’ said Phoebe. Leo looked apologetic. ‘I’m sorry Phoebe, I can’t heal last season’s fashion mistakes’.

‘I’m tho thorry,’ lisped Billie to Phoebe. ‘itth jutht that I think of you ath tho thtylith and thexy. You’re my role model’

Piper, Paige and Leo rolled their eyes. They couldn’t see it, but in the kitchen, Wyatt and Chris did the same.

‘Oh its ok, I can totally relate to you thinking that’, said Phoebe. ‘Unfortunately, Leo’s healing seems to be incomplete and my lycra imitation leather low rise pants and bra top appears to be welded to your body now’.

Paige sighed. ‘I’ll orb you to the hospital now and we’ll get you fixed up again. But mind – they’re gonna have to peel that outfit off you without an anaesthetic’

‘good’ muttered Piper, ‘maybe she’ll learn her lesson this time’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 2
Billie's Familiar

Billie had been doing lots of research on witches and witchcraft, desperate to find her sister. Her hard work had revealed to her that she was lacking in something. Finally, it had hit her, just like the book Paige had accidently orbed at her – the pages had opened at a section called ‘witches and their familiars’. Billie’s overbleached braincells sparked an idea - that was obviously what was missing in her quest to find her sister – what she needed was a ‘familiar’!

She had asked the Charmed Ones about them, and they’d agreed that they’d used to have one, a cat called Kit. They couldn’t quite remember what had happened to it – it’d been eaten or run away or something. However, Billie was sure that Piper still had one, as she was forever carting two small monkey-like creatures around . Paige had just rolled her eyes again , when Billie had asked her if they were Piper’s familiars , but Phoebe, who was the only sister to really talk to her, had called them ‘nephews’, which sounded a bit mystical, like neph-e-lim.


Billie was so excited as she somersaulted, backflipped and bounced her way up to the Attic where the sisters were relaxing around the book of shadows. Paige had told her they had some important work to do – something about saving Leo and destroying evil.

‘Paige Paige….gueth what! I’ve got a familiar of my own!!’ Billie gasped lispily as she ran into the attic.

Paige groaned and Piper glared as the demon they had cornered looked up, hoping that this was his salvation.

‘What is it Billie, we’re busy. We’re trying to locate Leo. You know, the helpful husband of Piper, father to Wyatt and Chris. Our brother in law’ said Paige, whilst Piper glared some more.

The captured demon snickered. It wasn’t salvation, but at least it’d be an amusing distraction.

Piper glared some more. The demon shut up.

‘but ..I’ve got thomthing important to tell you and it may lead to finding my thithter’ pouted Billie.

‘out with it then’, groaned Piper. ‘And be quick. We might be onto something with the information this demon has’

‘I’ve found my familiar!’ Billie danced around. ‘Thee? On the floor?’ And she pointed down at the floor. ‘Now I’ll be thupremely powerful and be able to find my thithter, Chrithty.’

Paige rolled her eyes. Piper’s eyes just narrowed as she barely kept her temper. The imprisoned demon snickered again. Phoebe actually looked up from her laptop where she was supposed to be researching, but was actually trying to get her advice column questions up to date.

‘Billie’ Paige began ‘that, um, ‘familiar’ on the floor, its actually your shadow. We all have them’.

‘Yeth’ cried Billie joyfully ‘we all have them becauth we are all witcheth’

‘We have shadows because we’re corporeal’ growled Piper. Both Billie and Phoebe looked vacant at the use of the big word they didn’t understand.

‘You block the light and therefore you cast a shadow’ explained the imprisoned demon. ‘even demons do it, as well as humans and animals. Only things like ghosts wouldn’t have a shadow’.

‘Thank you’ said Paige to the demon, as Piper glowered at it. ‘So, look Billie, its not a familiar, its just a shadow. Now go away’..

Billie looked downcast. ‘tho I’m not thpecial? I’m not gonna find chrithty ath ith my dethtiny?’

‘Oh you’re ‘special’ alright’, muttered Paige.

‘Oh come over here and help me’, said Phoebe, ‘I’ve got a particularly tricky problem to answer and its about sisters. You’re a sister, so you may have some insight’ and she read out loud:–

Dear Phoebe,

I live with my two younger sisters who have the worst taste in men and even worse taste in clothes. They wear the most garish, outrageous fashions that barely cover their bodies – and that’s just for work! You can’t believe how they dress to go on a ‘date’ How can I tactfully tell them to cover up? Its making my young children ask all sorts of inappropriate questions.

Sincerely,

Wishing I Was a Solo Sibling in San Fran

‘I just can’t relate to that kind of problem at all’ Phoebe shrugged


‘All those who’re not gonna help me with finding Leo RIGHT NOW – leave the attic’, growled Piper ‘ no, not you’ , she glared at the imprisoned demon, who’d made an attempt to get up.

‘Well, I’ve got more important thingth to do’ – lisped Billie –‘ I ‘ve got a familiar to find. Oh – and a thithter!

And with that she backflipped out of the attic.

Only to come back in 5 minutes later.

The charmed ones groaned collectively. ‘She’s your charge – you deal with her’ said Piper to Paige.

‘I can’t stand her!’ hissed Paige. ‘She’s way to chipper and cheerful all the time. I’m sure she’s evil.’ But she sighed and asked ‘What is it now, Billie?’

‘I found another familiar!’ Billie squealed ‘look look’ and with that, she thrust a small, furry, four limbed creature towards them.

‘aww that’s cute’ said Phoebe standing up.

‘No No NO !’ snarled Piper, snatching the object from Billie’s hands. ‘Look at it !’

'But it meetth all the requirementth', Billie pouted ‘ith thmall, furry, eathy to carry with you, and obviouthly magical…’

‘You took Chris’s teddy bear, didn’t you.’ Piper looked furious.

Billie backed away nervously. ‘Well..he wathn’t uthing it…’

'He was asleep!' Shouted Piper.

‘oh I’d run if I were you’, said Phoebe, who’d experienced many of Piper’s pissed off moods.

‘Well, if you won’t help me find my familiar or thithter, I’ll jutht go help mythelf’ and with that Billie turned on her spiked heels and flounced out of the house.

‘And don’t hurry back!…’ called Paige, after her.

Having given up and vanquished the demon, the sisters were downstairs going over the possibilities of finding Leo. The front door slammed. ‘Oh no, not her again’, moaned Phoebe, who discovered earlier that Billie had been in her wardrobe.

The living room door flew open. There stood Billie, looking triumphant. The sisters gawped at her. Jaws dropping, they stared and stared.

‘I’ve done it !’ she squealed. ‘Meet my familiar!’

The sisters stared some more. Finally, Paige asked ‘Billie, why do you look like an orangutan?’

The orange fur-clad Billie pulled herself up to her full height. ‘Thith is my familiar’ she proudly announced.

‘That’s my fur coat!’ Phoebe shouted as she realized what the bleached blonde was wearing.

‘It may have been your coat, but ith my familiar now’, Billie lisped proudly, ‘I’ve enchanted it’.

Piper had had enough. ‘You did what? First you stole Phoebe’s coat, and then you enchanted it?’ She looked at the blonde bimbo, standing wrapped in her gingery orange fur coat. ‘What about no magic for personal gain? What about the consequences? What about taste, for gods sake?’

‘Well, that’s why I never wore the coat’, said Phoebe, ‘it just didn’t match anything I had’

‘What kind of spell did you use?’ asked Paige, noticing the coat twitch.

‘I wath really clever’, said Billie ‘ I made a thpell all on my own!
‘Uthe thith coat, to make me a familiar, thmall and cute, or thomthing thimilar’

She twirled around proudly

‘Watch out’ cried Paige, as suddenly the coat seemed to take upon a life of its own. The little vicious mink that had been used to make it, suddenly reared up, having developed teeth and claws.

‘EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk’ screamed Billie, as the coat began to move with the multiple little mink heads and paws. They were unhappy mink – finding themselves alive and woven into a coat, and turned upon the wearer.

‘Ooppsie’, said Paige, as she watch the mink tear into Billie’s face and body, ‘I did warn you about using magic for personal gain and the consequences’

‘Paige!’, Piper snapped, ‘she’s getting blood on the carpet! Do something!’

Paige shrugged. ‘Coat’ she called and orbed the coat off of Billie, who lay writhing on the floor covered in tiny little mink bites and scratches. Piper blew the coat up, exploding bits of fur everywhere.

‘Rule one – no magic for personal gain’ shouted Piper. ‘Rule two – those who bleed on the carpet, clean the carpet! Rule three – no vermin in the house!’

‘I think she might include you in that’, said Paige to Billie. ‘Well, we don’t have Leo here to heal you. Lets be off to the hospital with you . At least I might get to meet that cute doctor again’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 3
Fashion Victims, Part One

Piper was pacing. The normally sweet natured witch was really beginning to feel the pressure of being a single mother of two, having a missing husband and being the sensible one in the family. Not to mention being the mother of the only twice blessed child the world had ever seen. And Chris.

‘Paige’ she bellowed again. ‘Paige, get your ass over here NOW or I’ll blast you like I’m gonna blast Phoebe!’

Paige orbed in. She brought with her a lavender scented room spray and squirted it around. ‘That’ll calm you down’ she said. ‘What on earth is wrong with you? Has Billie used Chris’s lunch as face mask again?’.

Earlier that week, the Billie the bimbette had mistaken baby Chris’s pureed spinach and butternut squash lunch for a new kind of facemask. Piper had turned Billie’s body into a giant squash for an hour to help her learn not to do it again

‘Its not her – for once – its Phoebe’. Piper stomped around the room.

‘Phoebe? What has she done?’ asked Paige

Piper pointed to the ad circled in the Chronicle's Want Ads.
.

Sperm Donor Required. Must be tall, handsome, clever, athletic and have lots of stamina. Anonymity guaranteed. No Demons need apply.

‘Ah. Sounds like Phoebe’, said Paige. ‘But why call me?’

‘I’ve been calling her cell and she’s not picking up. Her assistant said she went out earlier and hasn’t come back. The phone's been ringing with answers to her ad all morning and if another man calls offering to knock me up for free as part of a double deal, I’m really gonna lose my temper!.’ Piper crossed her arms and looked sterner than Paige had seen her since the day she had discovered Billie trying to teach Wyatt nursery rhymes – ‘She sells sea shells on the seashore’ had not been the most sensible option for Billie to have picked.

‘I want you to find her and orb her scrawny ass back here this instant!’ Piper said.

‘Have you tried scrying for her?’ asked Paige. Piper conceded that she hadn’t. Paige wandered down to Phoebe’s room to pick up something to use for scrying.

As she opened the door she paused. Billie was standing in front of Phoebe’s full length mirror, practicing her martial art moves. ‘Kapowee! Boom! I’m Billie the Thuperwitch – prepare to die, demonth’ she cried.

Paige coughed, partly to alert Billie that she was there, but also to catch her breath at Billie’s ensemble – high heeled black boots, a pair of red lycra hotpants and a silk scarf cunningly disguised as a top.

Billie pivoted round on the heels, ready to kickbox the intruder, and on finding it was only Paige, fell over. Paige noticed that there was a pillow on top of a pile of clothes in Phoebe’s wardrobe. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked ‘Are you sleeping here?’.

‘Um, maybe?’ squeaked Billie, hoping this was the right answer.

‘Why?’ demanded Paige.

‘Um, Phoebe thaid..thaid….I could have her wardrobe ath thhe wath gonna get a new one. Tho..rather than take it away, I thought I’d thtay here with it’. Billie explained.

‘Well, Phoebe’s missing – have you any idea where she could be?’ snapped Paige ‘And what’s this about a new wardrobe? How can she get new stuff?’

Billie’s face contorted more than usual with the effort of thinking. ‘Oh – thhe’th meeting a fathion dethigner today. That’th who’th gonna give her the new thtuff. He think’th thhe’th a.. a… what’th the word..’ Billie struggled, trying to remember, ‘that’th it - a thtyle icon’.

‘A what??’ screeched Piper, as Paige told her the news. ‘A style icon I disagree! And if she’s getting free clothes then she’d better make sure she gets some for all of us!' Piper barked out the orders for the afternoon. ‘Paige – get over to Phoebe’s office and find out what’s keeping her. And Billie – get some proper clothes on!’

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 4
Fashion Victims, Part Two

Paige orbed into Phoebe’s office. On top of her desk there was a pile of letters – the top one caught Paige’s eye. She took it back to the Manor.

Dear Phoebe,
I’m an up and coming designer. In fact, my innovative fashion stylings are loyally tracked and critiqued by legions of demons..err..demonstrative fans all over the worlds! I am always on the cutting edge of fashion – perhaps the bleeding edge – and have been known to really stretch the boundaries when it comes to style! Phoebe, I believe you understand that true fashion comes from within, and knowing just how much flesh to show. Your style is so original and elegant that I’ve got a proposal for you. Be my fashion Muse! If you choose to accept this offer, you can have a free, totally personally designed wardrobe for the new season.
Meet me if you’re interested!
Yours stylishly
Elish

Piper rolled her eyes. ‘She really fell for this?, she asked Paige.

Paige nodded. ‘I know, it’s so obviously a demon’s plot. If anyone was going to be a fashion muse or style icon, it’d be me! I can’t believe Phoebe walked into the trap.’

‘Well, we’ve got to find her and save her, tempting though it is to not bother’, muttered Piper, restraining herself from commenting on what she thought of Paige’s style, ‘We need the power of three to get Leo back. Go check the book, Paige’.

‘I’ve found it’ cried Paige a few minutes later ‘here it is!’ and she read the entry from the book of shadows

‘Elish – a lower level demon with big ideas. Has the power of bad taste. Is frequently seen around Hollywood, especially at award ceremonies. Has been known to possess celebrities whose minds are weakened by lack of food.’

‘Do not hire as a interior designer’, read Piper, over Paige’s shoulder. ‘Boy, that’s underlined AND in bold’ ‘hmm, that might explain some of the décor that Grams had’.


Billie chose this moment to bound into the room. ‘I’m ready’ she cried, ‘Letth go kick thome demon ath’.

Paige and Piper were momentarily stunned by Billie’s appearance. She was wearing a tight black leather cat suit with cut outs at the hip, back, stomach, chest and legs, with a pair of black spiked heeled shoes.

‘Uh, do you think the demon got Billie?’ whispered Piper.

Paige frowned. ‘Billie – what did Piper last ask you to do?

Billie looked puzzled. ‘Get thome proper clotheth on. Tho I did. I’m all thet to go hunting demonth’.

Piper closed her eyes. She opened them again. The vision that was Billie was still there.

‘Billie, you look like a pork sausage trussed up in leather fishnet. And I can’t believe you can run in those heels’.

Billie’s face twisted into tears. But just then, Phoebe shimmered in. ‘Hey girls, she said, ‘how d’ya like my new look?’.

The three witches stared at Phoebe. Dressed in an eye-seeringly bright lime green and orange polka dotted bra top, fringed with rhinestones, and tight red leather miniskirt, slashed to the hip-bone, she strutted towards them on a pair of 6 inch platform flowery flipflops.

‘Awethome!’ breathed Billie.

Paige and Piper looked at her in astonishment. Then looked back at Phoebe. ‘Phoebe, are you possessed again?’. asked Piper.

‘Come join with me’ said Possessed Phoebe, ‘and with the power of three, none will stop my grand design. Stripes and spots will always be worn together! All colours will clash!. Underwear will be outerwear! Thongs are mandatory! Bondage Puffball skirts for everyone!’

'She’s possessed sure enough’, said Paige, as Elish-Phoebe advanced.

‘ I jutht luuurrvvve your top’ burbled Billie , 'where did you get it?'

Elish-Phoebe stopped and turned, as if noticing Billie for the first time. ‘Thank you, its my own design’, she said ‘I can see you’re a lady of discrimination and taste, not to mention power’.

‘Thankth’ squealed Billie, thrilled to have her powers acknowledged for once, though she wasn't too sure what discrimination meant.

‘Wanna join forces with me?' asked Elish-Phoebe.

‘Thure – and then you can help me find my thithter Chrithie’ Billie warbled. Elish-Phoebe took Billie’s hand and they shimmered out.

‘Well, that’s a relief,’ sighed Paige.

‘Yes, but we still need to get Phoebe back for the power of three and Leo, remember?’ said Piper

Just then, Piper remembered she had kids somewhere in the house. Paige orbed them downstairs where baby Chris and Wyatt were looking rather sulky.

‘Oh my!’ cried Piper.

The entire downstairs of the house had been redecorated. Fushia pink and neon yellow checked wallpaper covered the living room, and all the furniture was now chintz covered. Red and blue gingham curtains hung at the windows and the floor had a green, blue and yellow spotted carpet.

‘Oh my eyes!’ cried Paige.

Piper ran thru the migraine-inducing colour scheme to the boys. Wyatt looked particularly unhappy as he was dressed in an 18th century smock dress with silk stockings on and little velvet jacket. And his diaper was wet. Chris was fortunatey too young to complain about his purple faux-fur leggings and pink and lime candy-striped top, but it would certainly give him something to tell his therapist about in later years.

‘What will we do?’ cried Paige ‘How can we defeat the Elish demon?’

‘You can’t!’ mocked a triumphant Elish-Phoebe, who shimmered in, now wearing a lace thong with low ride, high-cut, extra -tight lycra hotpants and a sequined peekaboo bra.‘You can't vanquish me without killing your sister!’

‘Ooooh..so tempting.’.said Piper.

‘Besides’, added Paige, ‘its not as if we haven’t killed her before.’

‘With Billie’s power of projection , the world will be mine!! Bwwwwhhahahhahaahahh’. The Elish-demon laughed and held Billie’s hand as Billie concentrated hard on changing the world’s fashions and colours.

Wyatt blinked.

The room returned to normal and the kids were in the normal clothes. Wyatt’s diaper was still wet, as there is only so much even a super-child can change.

‘Um, Wyatt – what did you do with Aunt Phobe and Billie?’asked Piper. Wyatt looked as innocent as any child who’d just magicked two people into hellfire could. ‘Mommy needs Aunt Phoebe, you’ll have to bring her back’.

Wyatt considered this for a moment and then blinked and Phoebe stood there before them, slightly singed.

‘Paige? Piper? What happened? One minute I’m in the coffee house talking to a fabulous designer, next thing I’m in the firey pit of hell – again! What’s going on? And why was Billie with me? And why am I wearing my Friday night dating clothes?'.

‘Oopsie’ said Paige, ‘best bring Billie back too, Wyatt.’

Wyatt blinked.

Billie appeared smouldering on the living room floor. Fighting back the urge to comment that she now looked like an overcooked BBQ’d sausage in leather fishnets, Piper limited herself to a complaint that Billie was causing 2nd degree burns to her wood floor finish.

‘My hair!’ Cried Billie, as most of it turned black and fell off as Paige threw a pitcher of water over her. ‘My outfit!’.

‘You mean, my outfit!’ said Phoebe, as she realized that Billie was wearing one of her Friday night dating specials.

Paige sighed. ‘Guess it's the hospital for you again'. and she orbed Billie out to the ER.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 5
Mixed Memories

A couple days later, Paige and Piper were sitting around drinking coffee. Piper was hunched over a laptop puzzling over a pile of letters. Paige was checking P3's accounting. Phoebe burst in. ‘Muffins, everyone, fresh from the oven. Anyone want more coffee?’.

‘Oh for goodness sake, Phoebe,’ Piper snapped, taking two hot muffins from the tray. ' I’m trying to work here. I don’t need all these interruptions!’

Paige held out her mug for a refill, while Phoebe muttered. ‘I’m just trying to have a normal life, you know, like…normal people!’.

‘Well, I’m trying to concentrate. People are depending on me!’ retorted Piper.

‘Yeah, and I’m doing the accounting!’ Paige added.

‘Well, I’ve got housework’. Phoebe indignantly replied. ‘At least one of us around here does some!’ and she stomped back into the kitchen. A few minutes later she returned. 'Do either of you know how to use the dishwasher? I appear to have…forgotten’.

Piper sighed and looked up from her screen. ‘Oh, I’ll help you. I mean, I’m only answering letters. It's not as if it's really hard.’ She bit into her muffin, and spat it out. ‘Geez, Phoebe, what on earth did you put in these?’

Phoebe looked confused. ‘What do you mean? I used the normal stuff. The stuff I always use’.

‘I’ve never tasted a muffin like this,’ Piper insisted, swigging coffee to get rid of the taste. ‘Mind you – what do you normally use in a muffin?’ She tried to remember Phoebe’s last home-made muffins

'Actually, I don’t remember your ‘normal’ muffins before, Phoebe,’ Paige admitted.

‘So what did you use?’ Piper demanded.

Phoebe thought.. ‘Muffin mix and leftovers’ she shrugged. ‘It looked like a good combination.’

‘Leftovers?' cried Piper. 'The only leftovers we had was from the Chinese take-out we had last night! No wonder this tasted disgusting! Chop suey and sweet and sour chicken in a muffin? What possessed you? Are these demonic muffins?’

‘Actually now I come to think of it,’ Paige remarked. 'I don’t remember Phoebe ever cooking. And hardly ever eating.’

The three sisters looked at each other.

‘There’s something odd here’, said Piper.

Paige looked at the accounts books in front of her. ‘You know, come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure I know what these numbers mean’ she said.

Phoebe just looked confused. ‘I’m not sure what half the appliances are in the kitchen’ she admitted. ‘But, if I don’t cook and clean the house, what do I do?’

Paige and Piper tried to think of something useful that Phoebe did. ‘Someone is definitely messing with our minds’ said Piper.

‘And our memories’ said Paige.

‘Oh mine seem okay’, said Phoebe as she looked down.

‘That memories, not mammaries!’ Piper hissed.

Paige shrugged. ‘Lets see what we do know. I run the club. And Piper writes her ‘Ask Piper’ column.’

‘So that leaves me to ….do what?’ Phoebe looked baffled. Paige and Piper looked at each other.

Phoebe pouted. ‘I have to do something! Its obvious I’m not that good in the kitchen’.

A child’s cry broke the silence. Piper looked up. ‘You must be a mother!’ she cried.

Phoebe was thrilled and ran upstairs to find the crying child.

Paige looked confused. ‘I know we’re witches, but I’m sure one of us is a white lighter too’.

Phoebe returned with a baby and toddler in tow. ‘Look what I found!’ she cried delightedly.

‘Phoebe, something is definitely not right’ Piper sighed. ‘ Do you think you’re a white lighter too?’

Phoebe looked puzzled. ‘It doesn’t sound familiar to me. I don’t think I am. If I’m a mother to these two, then when would I find the time?’

‘Well it must be me,’ Piper decided. ‘After all, I must have the most free time. How long does it take to answer a few questions every day?. I mean, look at these lame letters. How on earth am I supposed to answer these?’ And she read out loud:

Dear Piper,
I wonder if you can help me. I’ve been misled and let down by love repeatedly over the years. My last relationship ended so badly I’ve been wondering whether to bother with love anymore. The lady was sort of my boss, even though she was on a sabbatical. We had a ‘connection’ as soon as we met. She’d sit on the desk next to me while I wrote her feature for her. I really thought she’d fallen for me. However, she used me and dumped me within 6 weeks! What should I do? Should I try calling her again? Should I try with another woman? Or should I try men? Or maybe just give up on love and become celibate?
Help me Piper
‘Les Lee’

‘What kind of lame letter is that?’ Piper demanded. ‘I’m gonna tell him to grow up and be thankful he can at least have a normal life!’

‘Oh, no! ’ Phoebe cried. ‘One should never give up on love. Your heart should always be open to love and possibilities…’

Piper and Paige exchanged a look. ‘You can answer these letters then’ said Piper ‘There’s loads more of them. You’ll do a better job than me, and quite honestly, I’m not interested. I want to find out which Demon has messed with my mind and I want to find out NOW!’.

‘I think we should try orbing to the Elders to ask if they can help’ said Paige. She looked at Piper. ‘Go on then, orb!’

Piper concentrated. She crossed her eyes, scrunched her face up and wiggled her nose. Nothing happened. ‘Orb NOW’ she shouted. Nothing happened, except Wyatt quietly fed Chris a sweet and sour chicken muffin.

‘I don’t think this is working,' she said. ‘Phoebe, are you sure you’re not a whitelighter?’.

Phoebe tried to concentrate on orbing. She clenched her fists tightly and and screwed her face up.

‘Are you orbing or constipated?’ inquired Paige.

Phoebe shrugged. ‘Maybe I need to meditate first.'

Piper sighed. ‘I don’t think we’re doing this right. I keep sort of half remembering things. I wonder what’s happened to Leo?’

‘Oh yes!’ said Phoebe ‘He was always good to have around. And kind of hot too, as far as I remember!’.

‘Yeh, Leo’, said Paige ‘I know he was kinda useful, but I just can’t seem to remember why’.

Piper frowned. ‘I know he’s important. There’s definitely something weird going on here’.

Paige concentrated and tried to clear her mind. A flash of inspiration came to her ‘The book,’ she cried.

‘The what?’ Phoebe asked.

‘ The book…the book of….word thingies – you know, the big book, full of useful things. Magical!’ Paige gesticulated wildly.

‘Dictionary? Encyclopedia?' Piper suggested.

'Pages?’ Phoebe suggested,

‘Well of course it’ll have pages in it!' Paige sounded exasperated. ‘Oh, I know..shapes!’.

‘The big book of shapes?' Piper shook her head. 'That sounds more like one of the kids' books. And when I find out who’s messing with my mind there is gonna be hell to pay!’

‘Its like my memories all crowded and shadowy’ said Phoebe. The sisters looked at each other. ‘Shadows! That’s it! The Big Bumper Book of Shadows’ cried Piper.

‘It's in the attic,’ cried Paige..

They ran up stairs to the attic, carrying the boys.

‘What the…’ gasped Paige.

‘Who the hell are you?’ Piper demanded.

Phoebe oohed. ‘Oh, nice shoes!’

‘Hi’ squeaked Billie. ‘Can I help?’

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 6
A Clue?

'Who are you?' Piper demanded again.

‘I’m not thure, though I wath looking for my thithter – are you my thithter?’ The blonde girl looked puzzled.

‘I don’t think so,' said Paige, looking equally puzzled.

‘Although,' Piper remembered. ‘we have a missing sister too’

‘We do?' asked Phoebe. ‘Oh, wait..you mean - Prue?’

‘Oh,' cried Billie, 'Maybe that’th me? And we’ve found each other. Yay!’

‘Um…hold on’. cautioned Paige. ‘Isnt’ Prue, you know, dead?’

The 3 Charmed Ones looked at each other. They knew something was wrong. They just couldn’t quite work it out.

'You know, I think Paige is right.' Phoebe told them. 'Prue is dead. And you don’t’ look very dead.’

Piper added, 'Plus – you should be older than me, if you’re Prue.’

Paige nodded, 'And you don’t’ look a day over 22!'

‘Well – maybe I’ve been dead a while and kept my good lookth?’ squeaked Billie ‘Or maybe I’ve been reincarneated in to a hot, young blonde girl?’.

‘And you’re reading the book I was talking about!’ cried Paige. She snatched the Book of Shadows off Billie’s lap.

Piper and Phoebe ran to her. ‘I remember now,' cried Phoebe, 'The Book of Shadows! Its our heritage! It’ll tell us what’s wrong!’

Paige carried the book to the stand in the middle of the room and the three Charmed Ones and one Billie gathered round. On the front page, a note was written , in unfamiliar handwriting:
.

‘When your minds are clouded
And you lack continuity
To re-establish a stable connection
Just ‘Ask Phoebe’

‘Huh?’ Piper said. ‘That doethn’t even rhyme!’ squeaked Billie

‘Why ask me?' Phoebe wanted to know. ‘Am I the really clever one?’

‘I have no idea,’ Paige scratched her head.

‘But hold on,' cried Piper. 'look at the way its written.. It should read…’Ask Piper’, as I am ‘Piper’ , of ‘Ask Piper, she has all the answers!’’.

‘Maybe its just a spelling mistake?’Phoebe guessed. 'They spelled Piper as ‘P-H-O-E-B-E’>'

‘It’s a clue!’ Paige insisted.
.
Wyatt toddled over to baby Chris and held on to him.

‘What you doin’, sweetheart’ Phoebe asked.

‘Grawmpaws’ said Wyatt, who was bored, hungry and needed his diaper changed, besides being able to smell Chris’ stinky diaper, so he orbed both him and his brother out.

‘Maybe it means that the answers are in all those ‘Ask Piper’ letters downstairs?’ Paige suggested. ‘Perhaps it’s a spell some evil witch or demon has put on us?’

‘Ohhh’ squeaked Billie ‘Demonth! Can I help?’.

Piper thought about it. 'Uh....you can make the tea. It's gotta be better than Phoebe's coffee.'

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 7
The Letters

Downstairs, the three girls pulled all the ‘Ask Piper' letters out, each taking a pile to work through. However, as soon as they started, as if by magic, three letters on blue paper rose to the top of each of the piles.

‘Another clue’ cried Paige, observant as ever. ‘What does yours say?’

Piper read her letter out loud:

Dear Piper,
Help me! A while ago, my friend and I got into a ‘bad scene’. Initially, I was well-treated and invited to appear regularly with these people. However, they soon got taken over by an evil influence and suddenly turned on me, threw me out and seemed to forget I ever existed! My friend however (I’ll call her ‘Conny Trivance’) is flourishing with these people, showing up all the time and having fun at my expense, while I’m languishing in the wasteland.
What did I do wrong?
Please help me!
Yours,
Conny Tinuity

Phoebe read her letter out loud:

Dear Phoebe,

She looked up. ‘See, I told you they were spelling Piper wrong!’ She went back to reading her letter out loud:

I have a major problem. I keep going back to the past to try to undo things that cause unspeakable pain and evil in the future, but I can never fix it due to the Time Paradox. Have you any ideas who I can turn to that could help me fix this once and for all?
Yours,
Christopher Big

‘What does paradox mean?’ she asked

Paige’s letter just read:

‘EVERYONE HATES BILLIE!’

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 8
Looking for Christy

Phoebe, Piper and Paige stood facing each other. As Paige had read out her letter, it was if their minds had cleared.

‘What the hell is going on?’ Piper glowered. ‘Paige, I really hope you’ve not messed up the club’s accounts. P3 has been through a lot recently what with us pretending to die, coming back, being popular, not being popular. Not to mention being the scene of a variety of demonic fights! It doesn’t make for a thriving clientele. I’ve got to make the most of what I’ve got there!.’

‘Before you pick on me’, began Paige. ‘What are we going to do about her?’ and she nodded towards the kitchen, where Billie was making tea.

‘Are you picking on my muffins again?’ pouted Phoebe, who was carefully going through the huge pile of letters, now clearly addressed to ‘Ask Phoebe’. ‘Oh my god, Piper, what on earth have you been telling people! You can’t write back and say things like this!’

‘Things like what?’ Piper asked.

‘Like – ‘you think you’ve got it hard? No-one wants to listen to a whiner. Get a life! Piper, that is not acceptable in the agony aunt world!’

‘Oh, they deserved it, whoever they were.’ Piper snapped. ‘it's more important that we get to the bottom of who altered our memories and what is going on here. And who the hell this Billie is and why she’s here!’

‘I don’t think we should trust her’ Paige warned.

‘But she’s your charge!’ cried Phoebe.

‘Yes, but I’m sure she’s got something to do with Leo’s disappearance’, Piper pointed out, ‘and that’s all I need to know to not trust, or like her.’

‘She does seem kinda stupid,’ Phoebe admitted.

‘Stupid?’ Paige rolled her eyes ‘ She’s a scene-stealing, scantily-clad blonde bimbo with powers she just shouldn’t have! It makes no sense whatsoever! And her voice is really irritating, with that whole pretend lispy thing!’ She looked over at the letters. ‘That’s it!’ she cried. ‘Its Billie! That’s what the letters mean. Think about it! She makes no sense, we’ve no idea why she’s suddenly moved in with us, she has awesome powers when she’s really young…..’

‘You’re right!’ cried Piper. ‘And that’s why I think she’s responsible somehow for Leo! She's the one who caused this memory lapsing and lack of continuity!’

‘But..’ Phoebe began ‘she seems to really like me and share my taste in clothes. She can’t be all bad!’

Piper glared at her. 'Well, she is pretty stupid. I’m sure she’s not capable of thinking this up herself. She’s possibly being used by a demon or something’

Just then, the kitchen door opened. ‘Did you mith me?’ Billie pranced in with tea for the sisters.

‘Um..no?’ Paige mumbled.

Billie looked disappointed. ‘Well’ she sniffed, ‘when I find my thithter, we’ll alwayth mith each other’

Paige paused. ‘Billie’, she started, ‘if we help you find your sister, will you go away and leave us in peace?’

‘Oh, yeth!’ Billie exclaimed ‘We’ll be thooooo buthy together you thee – having adventureth, fighting demonth, wearing fabulouth, thuper thexy clothths, being thuper-powerful witcheth!. We’ll probably have our own fan club too! Maybe even a tv thow – like ‘The adventureth of The Thuperwitch Thithters’ or thomthing! ’ Her face glowed with excitement at the prospect.

‘Hmmm’ muttered Paige. ‘I’m sure that's already been done’.

‘Right’ and Pipe rolled her eyes. ‘Lets get this sister back then! As soon as possible. Like NOW!’

‘How are we going to do that?’ Paige asked.

Piper shrugged. ‘I have no idea, but it if takes a power of three spell, while we dance naked in the street wearing clogs, filming it for Playboy tv, I’ll be happy to do it! I just want her gone!’


Later in the attic, the sisters and Billie gathered round. Together they had prepared the most powerful ‘to find a witch spell’ and potion ever made. Piper had rolled her eyes as Paige had explained Billie had the power of ‘projection’ which they could use to enhance the spell. ‘But hang on’, she’d said. ‘Potentially, that makes Billie even more powerful than Wyatt. And that’s not possible!’

Even Phoebe had conceded that this sounded unlikely. ‘Wyatt’s definitely the most powerful magical being ever’, she insisted. ‘That’s what the Crone said. That’s why Gideon tried to kill him! Billie was already born when Wyatt was born, so the Crone would've said she was and Gideon would've tried to kill her!’

'Don't we wish,' muttered Piper. 'Why did Leo have to kill Gideon? We could've used him to get rid of her!'

‘It's this whole messed up continuity thing’ sighed Paige. ‘The sooner we get wonder-witch – and sister - out of the place, the better’.

Billie looked up from where she was stirring the potion. ‘Can I thtop thtirring now, pleath’ she asked. ‘I’ve thtirred it for over an hour. It must be ready’.

‘Okay’ snickered Piper, who’d forgotten Billie was there, and they gathered around the cauldron where the potion bubbled. ‘Billie, when we finish saying the spell, I want you to think of your sister, say her name, and use your unlikely ‘projection power’ to find her and bring her here’.

They read out the spell. Billie frowned and pouted and held her temples as if her head was going to split open. ‘Chrithttthhhhhhhtttttttttttttttyyyyyyyyy’ she breathed.

There was a ripple in the air in the attic. ‘Oh my god, it’s working!’ Phoebe gasped. A form began to appear, misty at first and then slowly coalescing into solid matter. A human form. Soon a disheveled figure of a barely-clothed young woman stood before them. She looked around. She looked at the sisters and Billie.

‘Chrittttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ cried Billie and ran forward to hug her.

‘Woah!’ cried the girl, backing off. ‘Who the hell are you?’. She looked straight at the charmed ones, especially Piper. ‘Mom!’ she cried ‘What’s going on! Don’t you recognize me?’.

‘Huh?’ The sisters looked puzzled. ‘Maybe we’ve got an ancestor instead’ whispered Phoebe to the others.

‘Her name’s probably Melinda, then’ Piper whispered back.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 9
Not Christy, But...

'Its ME!’ the girl exclaimed. ‘Chris! Don’t you recognize me?’.

‘Yeth! Chrithty!’ Billie pouted.

‘Who’s the blonde bimbo?’ asked the now confused, recently appeared girl. ‘what is wrong with you? We knew something was happening, but I thought you’d at least recognize me!’.

The figure looked down. And then recoiled. ‘Oh no!’ she exclaimed. ‘What on earth…’ She looked at the sisters and then downwards again. ‘I’ve got….I’ve got…b00bs! I’m a ….girl! How can that have happened?’.

She looked at the sisters. ‘MOM!' She shouted ‘Help me! Wyatt must’ve done the spell wrong!’.

Piper looked puzzled. ‘Wyatt? You mean…my Wyatt?’

‘I mean, my brother Wyatt! I’m CHRIS’. The girl was yelling in her obvious distress.

‘Oh my God!’ gasped Paige and Phoebe. ‘Chris! Chris!’ and they ran forward to embrace their nephew, delighted that he was alive. Albeit in a girl’s body.

Piper ran to embrace him too. She hesitated slightly.

‘It really is me, mom’, he said. ‘I just need to get my own body back and you’ll see’.

Billie stood to one side. ‘What is going on!’ she shrieked ‘Thith is MY thithter!’.

‘Look, I’ve no idea who you are’, said Chris, ‘But I’m definitely Chris. From the future. Come back to warn the Charmed ones of a terrible evil that’s going to mess up the continuity in their lives and alter things that should never have been altered. I’m here to help put it right. Again’. The girl wriggled. ‘My god, these clothes are so uncomfortable! Who the hell invented thongs? Some evil demon? Can we blast them?’

‘We already did’, said Paige ‘But sadly the evil creations she invented are still in the world’.

Billie pouted. ‘You’re thupothed to be my thithter,Chrithty! I wath calling for her and you arrived tho you mutht be her! You look like her!’

‘I do not, and I am not!’ retorted the girl. ‘Mom – tell her!’.

Piper hesitated. There had been so much weirdness recently in her life. Well, more weirdness than normal. Could this really be true? Could this nubile girl in front of her be her son Chris? ‘So – you say you’re Chris. From the future. Again. And this time Wyatt sent you back?’. She asked

‘Well, its more of joint decision this time’ he said. ‘Its not as if he’s evil anymore – we’re both good. Its just he’s suddenly not the most powerful, twice-blessed being anymore! And things keep happening completely randomly and we’ve both noticed that things seem to spontaneously change. Nothing makes sense anymore. So we decided to find out why. And he sent me back to find out and stop whatever it is. But I didn’t expect to come back here as a girl! I was definitely a man when I left!’. Chris looked dejected.

‘Wyatt must have done that at the same time we were doing our spell!’ cried Paige. ‘They’ve got confused!’.

‘If you’re really Chris’, said Piper slowly, unable to believe it really was him, ‘what happened last time you were here?’.

‘Well, I got turned into a spider monster, three blonde skanky witches almost took your place, Leo and I met a dinosaur’, the girl said ‘I had to encourage you to errr…‘forgive’ dad and not go off with a fireman…’

‘That’s enough!,’ snapped Piper ‘its lovely to see you Chris’, and she ran forward to embrace him.

‘Speaking of dad, where is he?’ asked the girl now known as Chris.

‘Ah, we don’t’ exactly know. He’s been turned into a giant Popsicle for some unknown and probably stupid reason’, said Piper, glaring at Billie.

Billie sobbed. ‘Thith is all very well for you – but he’th my thithter! Or ith thupothed to be! Whaaaaaa!’.

‘That’s a point’, said Phoebe. ‘if this is our Chris, where’s Billie’s sister?’

Chris’s eyes widened in horror. ‘Oh no! what if she is in my body somewhere? She might be doing irrevocable damage! The whole space/time continuum might be affected!’

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 10
Figuring Out the Clues

'Explain it again,’ said Phoebe, who had a few problems with Chris’s theory as to what was happening. They were all sitting in the living room. Billie was sulking in a corner.

‘Well, Wyatt and I think that either eddies in the space/time continuum are disrupting our continuity OR some powerful demon is just messing with our minds and managing to alter things. We’re not sure which.’.

‘And this demon – it's called Eddie?’, asked Phoebe, who was finding it hard to follow the explanation.

Chris rolled her eyes. ‘no aunt Phoebe, not Eddie but eddies – like ripples – little breaks in time, disrupting continuity’.

‘Any reason why it can’t be both – a demon causing the time shifts and the lack of continuity?’.asked Paige

‘We really don’t know’ admitted Chris. ‘We’d worked out when the single biggest continuity shift happened and we tried gently influencing things – like leaving a message in the Book of Shadows and sending mail to Ask Phoebe. Looks like it worked but sadly, things have got messed up again!’ he dropped his voice. ‘And what do we do about her’. He gestured towards Billie.

‘Well, we’re pretty sure now that she’s the cause of these problems’ said Piper. ‘Or if not the cause at the very least, a symptom’.

Paige groaned ‘I’ve been stuck with her the past few weeks as my new charge. She somehow manages to be awesomely powerful and unbelievably stupid, not to mention annoying. And she dresses worse than Phoebe does on a big night out!’.

‘Hey!’ Phoebe punched Paige’s arm. ‘You’re just jealous that you can’t fit into my red leather, lace-up, micro-shorts the way Billie can!’. Phoebe looked at Chris. ‘You know, they’d really suit you, you’ve got the legs for them! Wanna borrow them?’.

Chris looked horrified. ‘I’m a man,’ he hissed ‘I just look like a girl!’

Billie wandered over to the group. ‘Are you thure you’re not Chrithty?’ she asked again. 'And if you’re not, then where ith thee?’.

Phoebe took pity on the blondest bimbo, stood up and put her arm around her. ‘Look Billie’ she began to explain ‘This really isn’t your sister. Its not even a real woman. It’s a man. Called Chris. But he won’t always look like a woman. There’s an operation he can have. Its all to do with this demon called Eddie who’s somehow lost in space. Or time. Or maybe both. But we’re going to fix it, and then we’ll help find your sister. Who may or may not currently be a man. See?’.

Billie looked blanker than normal. ‘He lookth like a woman’, she said, looking at Chris.

Phoebe paused. ‘Well, Prue was once a man and we fixed her. Mind you she was a dog once as well.’.

Billie looked horrified. ‘Are you thaying my thithter might be a dog?’ she looked aghast.

‘Well, she might be. After all, she’s been living with demons for years’, said Phoebe. ‘She’s hardly going to have been having regular facials and highlights. Not to mention the personal hygiene issues. But that’s neither here nor there’. She patted Billie’s arm. ‘Why don’t you go think of ways of getting your sister back while we sort out Chris?’.

‘Ok’ lisped Billie. ‘I’m gonna thit over there and uthe my awethome power of projection to alter time and variouth dimenthionth and thee if I can find her’.

‘Oh whatever’ muttered Paige ‘whoever heard of such a nonsense power? We might as well not exist due to her ‘awesome projection power’ Kinda makes the Charmed Ones obsolete!’.

Chris looked after Billie as she sat in the corner, holding her temples and pouting really, really hard. ‘She can alter space and time and dimensions?’ he asked ‘Cause if that’s so, then she really is the cause of all the trouble!’.

‘I knew it’ cried Piper triumphantly. ‘Now can we vanquish her?’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 11
Another Visitor Appears

'Vanquish her? I’m not entirely sure we can’ said Paige ‘no matter how much I’d like to. She is, apparently, human’.

‘How can she be responsible for it all?’ asked Phoebe

‘She’s messing with time and space, dimensions. Don’t you see?’ Chris looked determined. ‘She’s got powers that make no sense and make yours look well, quite honestly, a bit old and tired. And obsolete. You can hardly call yourselves the worlds most powerful witches ever with her around! She’s even more powerful than Wyatt! But she seems too stupid to actually be the evil power behind the scene. We should use her to get to the bottom of it all’.

They all looked at Billie. She was concentrating hard, head in hands, muttering. Above her head ripples could be seen in the air.

‘Oh no! its happening again!’ cried Paige and she jumped out of the way as a figure stepped the ripples in the air as if it were climbing out of a window.

A handsome young man stood before them. ‘Wyatt!’ exclaimed Piper, joyfully rushing to hug him.

‘Oh great’ Chris rolled her eyes. ‘He gets to turn up as a man!’.

‘Mom!’ the man cried hugging Piper back ‘Various Aunts!’ he hugged them all in turn. ‘I’m looking for Chris. He came back to help, but its not worked.’ He spotted Chris and Billie. ‘Who are they?’ he gestured towards them.

‘Well, that’s Billie, Chief bimbo of the bimbettes’ said Piper ‘and um..that one is Chris’.

‘Hi bro’ said Chris, waving feebly.

‘Chris!’ Wyatt exclained ‘Dude, what happened? You're not a dude anymore! You’re a girl !’ Wyatt grinned, staring at Chris, unable to help himself. ‘Err…nice body you landed in! Good choice, girl’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 12
Finding Christy...

'Tell me about it!’Chris groaned ‘And no leering! I got mixed up between our spell and their spell and now I’m here and the blonde bimbo’s sister is probably in my body creating chaos’.

‘No’ Wyatt said ‘Your body is safe in our time – I kept it safe. Its just your spirit is here. I knew something was wrong. Your body just fell to the ground instead of disappearing and yet, I could tell the spirit had gone. There was this strange feeling pulling at me. It was like being sucked into a black hole. I could feel myself just falling into it and couldn’t stop it’

‘A black hole of suckiness?’ asked Paige as Billie wandered back over to them.

She looked at Wyatt. ‘You’re not Chrithy’ she said sulkily. ‘I want Chrithty. I want Chrithty NOW!’. And she stamped her foot. With her face a mask of full-on temper tantrum she pouted and lisped her way through a rant ending with a scream of ‘Chrithty!’ that made the glasses in the kitchen shatter.

Wyatt and the charmed ones took their fingers out their ears. ‘Look at Chris’ shouted Piper.

‘What? I can’t hear you’ shouted Paige back. She’d been standing nearest to Billie during the shouting.

‘Its Chris! Something is happening’, said Wyatt ‘Chris, are you ok?’.

The girl known as Chris stood jerking around, grimacing, like a puppet whose strings had been caught up in a gale-force wind, but her eyes had turned black. ‘Billie – help me!’ she said. ‘I’m sharing my body with a man and not in a good way!’.

‘Chrithty!’ cried Billie happily and ran over to hug her sister.
‘
What did she say?’ asked Paige who was still deaf. ‘What’s going on?’.

‘Christy appears to have taken over her body!’ shouted Wyatt. ‘Chris, Chris – dude, are you in there?’.

‘He is, but not for much longer!’, snapped Christy. ‘This is my body now!. I’m not sharing. Especially not with a wimpy guy like this!’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Does he have issues or what! Talk about a mama’s boy….'

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 13
Will the Real Ultimate Power Please Stand Up?

‘Hey – that’s my son in there!’ shouted Piper, preparing to blast Christy.

‘No! Wait Mom, you might hurt Chris!’, cried Wyatt, leaping in front of Christy.

‘Oh stand aside, puny man!’ Christy snarled., ‘Or I’ll blast you!’.

‘Chrithty’ , Billie cried ‘You can’t do that! Itth not very nithe!’.

‘Nice?’Christy shouted ‘I’ve been living with demons for 15 years! You think I spent that time being ‘nice’? What do you think demons do? Help the needy and play with puppies?’ she turned to Wyatt. ‘Stand aside or be blasted!’.

Billie looked uncomfortable. ‘But Chrithty – it ith Wyatt. He’th like a ..a …good witch’.

‘You mean the most super powerful magical being in the world!’ snapped Piper, proud of her son

‘Uh huh, twice-blessed too’, added Phoebe for good measure.

‘PAH!’ Christy glowered ‘I think you’ll find I’m the most powerful magical being, Or at least, I’m part of the most powerful magical force ever!’ she looked at Billie. ‘You are the Ultimate Power and I am the Key’.
‘
‘the what?’ asked Phoebe

‘Are you thure I’m the ultimate power?’, asked Billie

‘No you’re not’ said Piper firmly. ‘Wyatt is’.

Christy stamped her foot. ‘Foolish people! Bow before me! Bow before us, Billie and Christy the most powerful witches EVER’.

‘Oh I like the thound of that’, Billie smiled to herself whilst repeating ‘motht powerful witch in the world’.

‘I think you’ll find that I am the most powerful witch the world has seen’ said Wyatt calmly.

Christy glowered and glared. She drew herself up to her full height – about 5’ 4’ in heels. ‘You might be reasonably powerful’, she conceded, ‘But I have the demonic edge! I think you’ll find that we’re not only the Ultimate power, but also, Evil !’.

‘Evil?’ Billie looked puzzled. ‘you thure?’.

Christy rolled her eyes ‘Get with the program sister! You know. Raised by demons. Blah blah bitty blah. You think they did that to teach me knitting? We’re the Ultimate Power together. We’re gonna uleash untold terror and mayhem! Its going to be a glorious day for evil-kind! We’re the most evil beings the world has ever seen’.

‘No!’ cried Phoebe ‘that can’t be!’

‘She’s right’, said Paige ‘The Source was the most evil being the world has ever seen’.

Christy glared. ‘The Source? I spit on the Source! He’s as evil as a kitten!’

‘The Triad’ offered Piper ‘they’re definitely very, very evil’

‘But were they as evil as Cole after he got those powers from the Wasteland?’ Asked Phoebe, ‘Or was he just mad at the end?’

Paige added ,‘And what about the avatars? They were certainly far more powerful than any of us witches or demons, but were they evil? Or ‘well -intentioned but wacky’?’

Christy stamped her foot . ‘I WAS TALKING!’ she screamed, and a fireball erupted from her mouth.

Suddenly, with no warning or reason, a column of black smoke appeared. A figure appeared in the midst of it, with a face that was blank and expressionless.

‘Who the hell are you?’ demanded Piper, angry at the constant disruptions and the fact that it’d take ages to get the smoke stains out of the woodwork.

[Esmeralda]

Note from Es: And this is when I first got introduced to the demon known as Kernus! I'll always be grateful to JustRo for introducing him!

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 14
The Ultimate of Ultimate Evils Appears

'I’m Kernus, the Demon of Discontinuity – and you are all pawns in a trap! My trap! Bwhahahahaha!’ sneered the demon. ‘Feeble humans, why do you think your lives are so disjointed? Why else would you constantly have to face incoherent, nonsensical demons, who are all the Ultimate Evil? Its because I, Kernus, have been manipulating your lives for years! And now , I – the ULTIMATE of Ultimate evils, of all time - will destroy you!’ The demon broke into another bout of evil, demonic laughter while both sets of sisters and Wyatt looked at each other.

‘Is he for real?’ asked Paige ‘He sounds like a vaudeville villian--where's his moustache he should be twirling’?

‘He doesn’t look so good either’ Phoebe put in. ‘Too wrinkly'!

Piper stood glaring at him. ‘So you’re the Ultimate of Ultimate Evils, are you?’ she questioned.

‘Yes’ he replied proudly.

‘More powerful than the Triad?' asked Phoebe.

‘Yes. They were my servants. How else could they come back to life after Cole vanquished them? Because I, the Demon of Discontinuity, made it so! Mmwhahahahaha’, Kernus laughed the evil laugh of the demonically insane.

‘More powerful than the Source?' Wyatt continued the questioning.

‘Yes. Another one of my servants. Should've put the power of possession that I gave him to better use! He thought he was the Source of All Evil, when it was really me!’ Kernus paused for another bout of demonic, evil laughter. ‘Why do you think he was so easy to vanquish just a few months ago? Because I, the Demon of Discontinuity, wanted it so!’

‘More powerful than Zankou?' asked Phoebe, pausing to remember the hottest of evil demons, bar Cole.

'Yes! My best servant!’ Kernus paused, reflecting on Zankou. ‘He was smarter than all of you combined! How else could your astral projections which have no powers blow up him and the Nexus without destroying the entire Manor? Because of Because I, Kernus, the Demon of Discontinuity, made it so!’

‘Wait!’ Phoebe protested. ‘What about the baby of ultimate evil that the Seer stole?’

‘Yes – that too! Had he lived he would've served me, too’! Kernus tapped his foot impatiently, ‘Look, I’ve told you. The Ultimate evil is me! ME! ME! ME!’

‘Oh – touchy aren’t we?’ Paige mocked. ‘Look, we’ve faced evil – Ultimate evils, multiple evils, non-vanquishable evils, supreme evils….'

‘Big evils, ugly evils, really nasty evils, evil with bad teeth..’ continued Phoebe

‘Good guys gone bad evils, well-intentioned evils, ghostly evils, witchy evils…’ Wyatt carried on.

Piper just stood, eyes narrowing, glaring at the demon standing before her.

‘Uh oh’, muttered Paige ‘she’s gonna blow – any minute now!’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 15
The Contract

‘Hold on a minute’ snapped Christy ‘We’re the Ultimate Evil! It says so right here in our contract!’

‘What contract?’ asked Billie looking more confused than usual.

‘The one we signed when we were kids!' Christy hissed. ‘You know – become the human incarnation of evil, get free foot massage with every innocent soul collected; kill the Charmed Ones, get shopping bonus…’

‘Oh’ cried Billie. ‘That contract. I’d forgotten about that. You’re right, I am evil!’.

Christy sighed. She couldn’t believe her bad luck – saddled with a bimbo sister who had mush for brains, as well as being stuck sharing a body with some wimpy witch from the future who wouldn't stop whining. ‘Honestly!’ She thought. ‘It’s the sort of unlikely thing that happened in stupid television shows when the writers ran out of ideas’. She pretended to smile at Billie while trying hard not to blast her into ashes. If only she didn’t need Billie's projection power in order to be the Ultimate Evil!

Kernus snickered. ‘Silly little girls’, he scoffed. ‘You are only evil because I have made you that way! Who do you think organised the unlikly powers? How else do you think you’ve never been picked up by the police while you've been wearing those outfits in the street? It is because, I, Kernus, evil Demon of Discontinuity, has made it so! Mhuhahahaha’.

‘Will you stop with the evil laughter!’ Paige's ears still hurt from when she lost her hearing.

Christie glared at Kernus. She hated being told what to do. ‘Billie' Christy ordered. 'Get him!’

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 16
The Black Hole of Suckiness

‘Now wait a minute!’ screeched Piper. ‘This is our house and our attic! Any vanquishing of demons - ultimate evils or not - is OUR job! We get first shot!’

‘Oh yeah?’ sneered Christy. ‘We’ll see about that!’. And she aimed a fireball at the sisters, who ducked behind the sofa.

‘Enough!’ cried Kernus. ‘Christy, you are answerable to ME. I created you. Your ultimate evil powers only exist because of me’.

Christy paused for a second. ‘Really?’ she scoffed. ‘Billie, concentrate now!’ and as Christy directed another huge fireball against Kernus, a huge black swirling vortex began to appear mid-air.

Kernus put his hands up in horror. ‘No! he cried. ‘No! Not the black hole of suckiness! Aahhhhhhhhh! This wasn’t in my plan! d**n the discontinuity aaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’ and he howled as he was sucked , robes flapping, headlong into the swirling, seething black hole.

‘Ha!’ sneered Billie, finally relishing her true evil potential, ‘you’re not tho powerful now, are you?’ and she turned towards the sisters ‘Charmed Ones indeed! I’ll thhow you ‘Charmed’ !’ and she began to project the vortex towards them.

‘Help!’ screamed Paige as she felt herself being sucked into the hole. Piper and Phoebe grabbed a hold of her and tried to anchor themselves against the whirling vortex.

‘Try chanting a power of three spell!’ cried Wyatt, hoping that the distraction would give him a few moments to work.

The sisters looked at each other in confusion--Say a spell? ‘Dammit’, cried Piper 'We’ll have to think quickly! Can either of you remember how it goes?'.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 17
The Power of Three Shall, Huh?

Wyatt rolled his eyes and started it for them. "Try this. The power of three shall set us free!"

The sisters nodded and finally began chanting their old faithful spell, whilst the twice-blessed child finally did his thing:.

‘Give me back again
what I had before
my wonderous strength and powers
return to me once more’

Wyatt felt his powers flow through his body once more. ‘Hey Bleach-for-Brains!’, he shouted at Billie, ‘Over here!’.

Billie turned towards him, ‘Are you talking to me?’ she squeaked.

‘Well, he wouldn’t mean me, would he’? Christy glared. ‘I’m the smart one. And I sense he’s got his powers back’.

The two sisters turned their full attention onto Wyatt.

The votex wavered and stopped moving.

‘Quick!', snapped Piper, 'let's use a spell to get Chris back!’

'Can you think of one?' Wyatt joked at them, dodging Christy's fireballs. But even as he spoke, Phoebe did:

‘Evil does as evil is
Remove this Christy,
And bring us Chris.’

‘Is that the best you can do?’ muttered Piper, chanting the spell along with her.

Meanwhile, Christy had begun to direct a sheet of flame towards Wyatt. ‘Use your powers on it’. She urged Billie.

Wyatt ducked the flames as they reached towards him. ‘You’ll never succeed!' he cried. 'We won’t let you!’.

Suddenly, Christy went into an eye-poppingly painful series of spasms and jerks the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the disco explosion in the 70’s. Her smug expression changed into one of surprise and then relief.

‘I’m back!' Chris cried joyfully. 'I mean…I’ve still got b00bs, but I’m BACK!’.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by Justro

Episode 18
Sisters Together Forever??

‘Chrithty’ wailed Billie ‘Where have you gone?’

‘I’m here’ responded Christy from Billie’s mouth. ‘Oh crap! What the hell am I doing in you?’.

‘Chrithty!’ cried Billie ‘Oh thith is wonderful! We’ll never be apart again!’

‘GET ME OUT OF HERE!’ screamed Christy, appalled at the thought of sharing a body and the bimbo’s limited brain capacity for an eternity.

‘Quick’ cried Wyatt ‘They’re sharing one body. The spell must have displaced Christy. and she's moved into the nearest vacant brain! Vanquish them!’.

The vortex slowly began to move back towards its creator, needing Billie’s concentration to keep it open and moving.

‘We can’t!' cried Paige. 'They’re human!’ .

‘But they’re evil’ whined Chris ‘They’ve turned me into a girl! Who knows what they’ll do next?’.

Billie and Christiy struggled within the bimbo’s shared body and mind. ‘Vanquish them!' snapped Christy.

‘But how?’ asked Billie, who was getting confused about which of them was talking and thinking.

‘Use your projection power, you idiot!’ screeched Christy ‘Or I’ll do it!’ and she attempted to wrest the power from her sister ‘How do you get this thing to work?’. Christy held Billie’s hands to her head and concentrated on projecting power. The vortex nearby received a sudden burst of energy and swooped towards Billie’s shared body.

‘What are you doing, Chrithty?’ squealed Billie ‘You can’t control it!’.

‘Shut up and let me concentrate!’ snapped Christy ‘Otherwise we’ll never get to be the ultimate power…and ahhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’

The vortex had swung dangerously close to the sisters and begun to pull at Billie’s body. Christy and Billie tried to move away, but the pull of the swirling centrifugal force was too great.

‘Help, Thomeone!' screamed Billie. 'Help! ‘ cried Billie as first her arms were tugged into the vortex.

‘Shall we?’ Paige asked, as one of Billie’s arm was tugged into the vortex.

‘Well, she is human,’ Wyatt reminded them as Billie’s other arm was dragged in.

‘But she’s also evil!’ Chris added as one of her legs was dragged in.

‘Hmm…’ Piper puzzled as her other leg was dragged in. ‘I wonder what we should do…’

And even as Billie’s body was pulled into the Black Hole of Suckiness, Paige made one half-feeble try at grabbing for her, then even tried to call for her. But it was much too late as the Black Hole of Suckiness had faded away, and with it, the Ultimate Power and its Key. Billie would truly have her ‘thither’ with her forever and ever.

Paige couldn’t help smiling, not able to think of a better reward/punishment for either of them, especially if it meant Billie would never be a part of their lives again, and neither would the Demon of Discontinuity.

[Esmeralda]

Everybody Hates Billie
Written by JustRo


Unfortunately, as JustRo put it:

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with reading this.
Here is the ending. I hope you enjoy it.

Me, too!


Episode 19
Happily Ever After??

‘How will we get you back home and into your own body?’ Paige asked Chris.

Wyatt stood thinking. ‘I think that once we get back to our own time, since Christy doesn’t exist there, Chris should return to his own body.’

‘And Christy’s body?’ asked Phoebe, who still wasn’t quite sure what had happened, since she was still busy congratulating herself for actually remembering how to come up with a spell.

‘Well, since she doesn’t exist anymore, her body can’t exist in the future, so it’ll probably just disappear.’

At this point, a swirling light appeared in the room and manifested into the campiest of camp Angels of Destiny ever seen.

‘Hello, lovelies,’ the white-robed Angel cooed. ‘I’ve got to say, it’s not quite how I imagined it would all turn out, but at least it's tidy!’

He minced over to Piper and beamed at her. ‘And I have got a surprise for you, darlin'!’

‘Well, you’d better have something,’ Piper snarled. ‘because I’ve got something for you!’ And she brought up her hands, ready to smite the Angel.

‘Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!’ Wyatt and Chris shouted, leaping at her and pinning her arms to her sides, while Phoebe and Paige jumped in front of the Angel.

‘Mom,’ Wyatt said firmly. ‘No blowing up the Angel of Destiny!’

‘Yeah,’ Chris added. ‘It's like really bad karma. And this family has more than enough of that!’

‘My, but she’s a snippy little madam, isn’t she?’ and the Angel brushed himself off. ‘But still…’ and with an ostentatious wave of his pudgy little hands and a sprinkle of glitter, a glowing figure appeared. The figure coalesced into the solid form of:

‘LEO!’ cried everyone, and all rushed forward to hug him.

‘Chris! Wyatt! Piper!’ Leo was smothered by the bodies trying to hug him ‘Gerroff a moment, I can’t breathe!’ Eventually he stood hugging only Piper, his usual huge goofy smile on his face.

‘I’m so pleased to see you, Leo,’ Piper smiled. ‘I’ve got this huge list of chores for you!’ She pulled a list out of her pocket. ‘You can start in the garden. It hasn’t been weeded in ages….’

Paige and Phoebe rolled their eyes. Wyatt and Chris looked at each other.

‘So she was always like this,’ Chris hissed to Wyatt.

‘Looks that way,’ Wyatt whispered back, sighing in relief. ‘At least we know it was nothing we did.’

‘I shall leave you happy family now’ chirruped the Angel, and with a flamboyant wave along with another shower of glitter, dissolved into a million whirling orbs.

‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ Piper screeched, proceeding to blast at the swirling orbs, failing to hit any of them. ‘Look at what he’s done!’ she raged.

‘Calm down, Mom,’ Wyatt soothed. ‘Dad’s back; the demon’s gone.’

‘Billie’s been sucked away – you’ll never have to see or hear her again!’ Paige offered. ‘And Christy got sucked away, too. So did the demon.’

‘I’ll do all the chores you need,’ Leo added.

‘Not to mention your sex life will return,’ added Phoebe, wishing hers would. Now where was that cute cupid when she needed him?

Piper glared at them all. ‘I know all that!’ she snapped. ‘But look at the mess in this place! Smoke and soot everywhere. And that damn Angel with his glitter – it's hell to get out of the floor boards!’

Wyatt and Chris exchanged glances. They recognized their mother’s ‘we need to clean’ rant a little too well. ‘Uh…I think we better get back to our own time. See you all in about 20 years!’ and with a wave of Wyatt's hands, a portal appeared and both boys ran through it.

‘WAIT!’ Piper screamed. ‘You boys helped make the mess; you should help clean it!’

But it was too late; the boys were gone. So Piper turned her rage on her sisters.

‘WAIT FOR ME!’ Phoebe screamed, eager to get out of the way of one of Piper’s tantrums which would be followed by a cleaning frenzy, in which Piper would no doubt allocate Phoebe a number of tasks. Phoebe leaped through the portal, which hadn't closed yet, following the sounds of Wyatt and Chris’ footsteps.

‘DON'T YOU DARE!’ Piper screamed, but it was too late, so she spun on Paige.

‘DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!’ and Paige quickly followed Phoebe.

So Piper turned to glare at Leo, her hands on her hips. ‘So you going, too?’

Leo watched the portal close. ‘I guess not.’ He hugged Piper. ‘Besides I don’t want to. Just think! This will give us plenty of 'alone time'!’ and he gave Piper a knowing look, hoping to make up for all those lost months of time together.

Piper began to remind him about the garden, but then realized that he wasn’t thinking about the chores.

‘OH, CRAP!’

THE END!!

[Chrisaholic]

A BIG LOL!!! Oh man, if this could only have been on screen!! *haha*