Post by Esmeralda on Mar 16, 2014 11:16:11 GMT -5
‘HARMED- The Sorta-Story
NOTE FROM ES: After reading "A Halliwell Christmas Carol" and getting a huge kick out of it, I decided to give fellow Charmed fans a treat myself.
Of all the Charmed items I have, my favorite is an interactive game written by Teshik and illustrated by Paydnz called "'Harmed, the Game", which I found thanks to my friend, Primrose_Empath – I will ALWAYS remember playing the game in Chicago the first time we met in person and me getting SUCH a kick out of it!. Unfortunately, when others have tried downloading the game, the link no longer works and both Paydnz and Teshik have gone on to other things.
BUT after my friend StoryGirl83 tried to load it and couldn't, I decided to play the game, using hints whenever possible and turned the results into a sorta story, a very farfetched story that hopefully you'll enjoy and which I'd like to share with you guys as your Halloween treat..
FAIR WARNING - THIS GAME IS PURE PARODY, MAKING FUN OF ALL THE THINGS THAT MOST FANS COULDN'T STAND ABOUT SEASON 8! If you liked Season 8, you probably won't like this!
FINAL WAARNING: If you don't like anything in Paydnz's illustration of his 'Harmed Ones, you probably want to stop reading right now?
Still here? Okay, here we go!
The Charmed Ones have vanquished a warlock named Teshik, but before they did he cast a strange spell on their home, Halliwell Manor. The Charmed Ones and their family can’t move out of the rooms they are in, and the only way they can move is if YOU, dear Charmed fan, become one of the Charmed Ones and move for them, BUT you can only be ONE of them at a time, and you can only carry two items at a time, so you’ll have to manage your inventory carefully.
Oh, there’s another caveat--that Charmed One has to let you. Phoebe won’t—she has her own needs that must be taken care of first and you don’t have the items needed to take care of those needs…she’s still trying to get a hold of the sperm that will let her conceive her daughter, you know. (Who cares who the sperm comes from? She sure doesn't.)
Paige won't let you be her either—well, let’s put it this way, you don’t want to be Paige until you get Piper to do a couple of things for her first, although you definitely want your chance to be Paige. You see, thanks to Teshik’s spell, Paige’s powers have developed so much that if you can become Paige, you can orb your sisters or Leo anywhere, even if you yourself aren’t there - although you can only orb one of your sisters or Leo or yourself, no one else, and you can only orb one of them at a time. But being able to do that could be very helpful in finding the others.
Unfortunately, those powers also make Paige’s facial hair grow even faster than usual and her powers tend to act up when that her moustache gets too long, and Paige can’t use her razor if she doesn’t have her medicine to calm all of her twitches. And Paige keeps her meds in her bedroom and the razor in the bathroom, but thanks to Teshik’s spell, the second floor is now a trans-dimensional portal so that no matter which room you go into, when you go out of the room, you either end up back in the room where you started or you end up in a completely different room on the second floor!
But Piper will let you become her—she needs your help. You see, disturbed by the arrival of a mysterious letter that informed her that the Charmed Ones have been 'cancelled', whatever that means, Piper has decided to make sure that no matter what happens, she’ll have one perfect family photo to remember everyone by. The problem is, to get this, she knows she will have to:
-get the co-operation of Paige and Phoebe
-keep Wyatt and Chris out of the same room unless their mother is with them so there won't be any magical sibling rivalry hijinks
-make sure that Billie's maggot neck isn't in the picture (and you'll have to help Piper recover the Book of Shadows from her – she thinks it's hers now that Piper and her sisters have been cancelled, since she's certain that her spin-off, whatever that is, will start at any moment)
-rescue Leo from wherever the hell he's been frozen,
-and last but by no means least, have a smile on her own face, and that might be the toughest thing of all...
So guess what, you are now Piper. You are a whining passive-agreessive woman with long shiny hair, the only beautiful thing about you. You're standing in the Solarium, glaring at Billie. Billie Jenkins is a wretched little bimbo with a mouth angled at 90 degrees to the normal, a segmented maggot neck, bleached roots and an infuriating hissing lisp. She's wearing so many layers of makeup that it's a wonder her face doesn't crack every time she opens her mouth. It's like an archaeological dig of Revlon.
Billie has somehow wormed (or maggoted) her way into the Manor, and now, like the stench of a dead rat under the floor, just won't go away. She's carrying the Book of Shadows around with her because she’s sure she now owns it
But where is everyone? After yelling and getting no response, you decide to try hunting. Billie grins at you and says, “Only blondessss are beautiful, and I'm sssso blonde I musssst be ssssimply sssstunning!”
You have had it with Billie! You decide to freeze the bimbo. BUT good witches don’t freeze! Unfortunately. Raising your hand, you try to give Billie a mighty SLAP! But Billie uses her segmented maggoty neck to dodge her head out of the path of the blows raining down on her.
Again Billie grins. 'Sssscrew Leo, we need to find my ssssisssster, Chrisssstie!'
That does it! You BLAST the bimbo! Billie dodges your blast, giving you a nasty, slanted, excessively lip-glossed pout in response.
Now you are very frustrated, but you also know that there isn’t anything you are going to be able to do about Billie, so you decide to go find your family instead. Maybe they can help you figure a way to get rid of her.
First you have to go get Paige, so you can get her to orb you places, and she was last in the attic, but first you better go get her meds and her razor. No way you want to get lost on the second floor, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to get Paige to help you!
So you go into the hall and then up the stairs to the second floor landing. Billie follows you everywhere you go, still being very, very irritating, constantly blathering about how beautiful she is and demanding that you help her find Christy. Oh, how you wish you could blast the bimbo, but you knows you can’t - well, at least not yet...
Going into the bathroom, still followed by Billie, who annoys the crap out of everyone ON THE FREAKING PLANET with her very existence, you are shocked to find out that it is indeed the bathroom and there’s the razor.
Taking the razor, you go back into the hall and into Paige’s bedroom. Unfortunately, you end right back in the bathroom! GRRR that Teshik warlock! Why did you vanquish him before finding out how to fix all of this??
So, still followed by Billie, you go back into the hall and into Paige’s bedroom. YOU’RE BACK IN THE FREAKING BATHROOM!
Billie looks around and then tells you, “I wassss down by the Bay and a fish ssssprang from the water and tried to eat my neck! What'ssss that all about?” GRRRRR!!!
AGAIN you try walking out of the bathroom and into Paige’s bedroom. FINALLY! You’re actually in Paige’s bedroom and there’s the medication! Compared with some of your wanderings around the second floor, this was actually fairly easy! Taking the medication, now all you need to do is find the landing again and go upstairs to the attic and find Paige.
Unfortunately, when you walk back into the hall, rather than the hall, you find yourself in your and Leo’s bedroom, STILL followed by that annoying blonde known as Billie. Oh, you wish you knew where Leo is! But Billie hears your mutter. “'Sssscrew Leo, we need to find my ssssisssster, Chrisssstie!”
You glare at her, desperately wishing you could explode good witches, or at least freeze her so you could shut her up! Just when you’re ready to try to strangle her, you see your diary by the bed, in which you no longer confide your innermost thoughts after Zankou put them on the Internet for everyone to laugh at.
Instead, it’s now full of tips like “PAIGE, DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORB TO P3 AND THE BAY MIRROR! Oh, and you can orb freaking guns too, you halfwit" and "Seriously. Paige. You can orb to any room of the house, even the ones lost in the swirling trans-dimensional vortex of the second floor. Think about it.” Oh, that's right! You’ll have to remind Paige about that!
Again you try walking back into the hall. Instead you end up in the Nursery, still followed by Billie.
There Wyatt STARES at his mother.
You gaze fondly at your son, the most wonderful, most blessed baby ever to exist. He can do no wrong.
Although you sometimes finds his staring a little unnerving.
Wyatt still STARES at his mother.
Smiling at Wyatt, telling him you’ll be back for him later, but you really can’t carry him while carrying Paige’s razor and medication, you try going out the door AND YOU’RE RIGHT BACK IN YOUR OWN FREAKING BEDROOM, still followed by Billie!
So you go back in the hallway AND YOU’RE BACK IN THE FREAKING NURSERY where Wyatt STARES at his mother.
Well, after an hour of wandering around the freaking second floor, Billie following you everywhere you go, you FINALLY find the second-floor landing and go up to the attic, where HALLELUJAH!
You spot Paige, a spasming, pouting dimwit with too much lipstick, appalling color co-ordination (she's dressed in bright lemon yellow, brighter lime-green and even-brighter orange!) and way too much facial hair.
You hand her the meds. She somehow manages to open the bottle and swallow a pill. Her spaz attacks and mugging ease...slightly.
So you hand her the razor. She quickly trims down her facial hair to an (almost) acceptable length.
Paige now has everything she needs to function as a normal woman... at least for the few hours before the spasms and bristles return. You can now become Paige, so you do. But now that you can become different sisters, but only one at a time, I'll try to make it easier on you by BOLDING when you're Paige.
Your half-sister Piper says, "I'll never be truly happy until I've blasted Billie's bony butt straight to Hell!" Although you wouldn't say it that way, you totally agree!
Billie tells you, "Only blondessss are beautiful, and I'm sssso blonde I musssst be ssssimply sssstunning!"
Well, dear Charmed fan, you couldn’t do anything about Billie as Piper, maybe you can as Paige. You try to orb her straight to Hell. Unfortunately, thanks to Teshik, you can only orb your sisters or Leo. Darn it anyway!
So you try to slap Billie, but again Billie uses her segmented maggoty neck to dodge her head out of the path of the blows raining down on her. Darn it!
Piper wants to try to find Phoebe, but you both know that Phoebe won’t do anything until you take care of her needs first, so you orb Piper to the dining room before becoming Piper again Somehow or another, Billie has followed you, caking on even more eye shadow. Part of Tesik’s freaking spell! You swear he was trying to drive you crazy!
Going into Gram’s sewing room, you are VERY surprised to see Teshik! But you thought you vanquished him! Der Über-Geek, Programmer of crappy applications and wannabe-author regards you with a mixture of antipathy and boredom.
“Pleaaaaase reverse the spell that prevents me from killing her!” and you point at Billie.
"That's what you get for vanquishing me rather than Bifi!" and smirking he vanishes and you go back to the dining room and then to the kitchen, Billie still following you,
In the kitchen, you spot the turkey baster, one of your multitudinous cooking implements, a large clear plastic pipette with a red rubber bulb on top. Useful for sucking up liquids. Hating to think about what you’re going to use it for, but knowing you have to, you take the baster.
Then you go into the laundry room, still followed by that annoying blonde known as Billie, or as Teshik called her, Bifi. There you see the Halliwell family washing machine, which has seen many a hideous garment over the years. There's something inside the washing machine - one of Phoebe's funbag-revealing strings... er, tops, a couple of pieces of blue string that when worn just about cover up her nipples. Although you know you'd never wear such a thing, that’s what Phoebe is going to want, so you take the skimpy top.
Now, thanks to that wonderful (for you, dear Charmed fan, not for Piper…) spell of Teshik’s, you become Paige again so you can orb Piper to the Bay Mirror before becoming Piper again, and there you find Phoebe, your selfish, egotistical, bony hag of a sister with fugly clothes, laughable fake breasts and a load of hideous and inappropriate tattoos.
Worst of all, she’s naked!
Phoebe poses like a superhero and cries: "I'm OVULA! Ting"
There is one good part, though--no Billie! Thanks to Teshik’s spell, she can’t follow you out of the Manor!
Closing your eyes so you don’t have to look at your naked sister, you hand her the skimpy top.
Without a word of thanks, she takes the skimpy top and puts it on. “I can't wait to get knocked up with Ladybug by some guy!”
You know you’ll have to shut her up, and you know how. Oh, how you hate to do the next part, but you know you have to. You look at Phoebe's office desk. It looks like it's been put to hard (and disgusting) use.
There's something on the desk. It looks like... eeeurghh! A pool of semen! Taking a deep breath, so not wanting to do this, you use the turkey baster to suck up the semen. Eeuurghh!
You hand the baster, now full of semen, to your sister. Without a word of thanks, Phoebe takes the turkey baster, inserts it somewhere you really don't want to think about, and squeezes the bulb. “See you in nine months, Ladybug!”
Now that THAT horrible duty has been performed, you quickly become Paige again and orb Piper into Phoebe’s bedroom before becoming Piper again.
SIGH! Guess who’s back. Yup, you’re in the Manor again, so Billie is following you around again, the reason why Paige is orbing YOU rather than doing all of this herself!
(Maybe your half-sister isn’t as dumb as you think she is…)
Billie says “Remember when I turned my parentssss into assssssssassssssssinssss? Good timessss!”
First glaring at Billie, you look around and spot Phoebe's favorite pants, the ones that are cut so low they practically reveal the base of her pubic bone. They're specially tailored for maximum cooter tat revealage. Bleurgh.
Taking the cooter pants, you again become Paige, orb Piper back to the Bay Mirror and then become Piper again, where you hand Phoebe her pants. Without a word of thanks, Phoebe takes the cooter pants and puts them on.
Phoebe now has everything she needs to stop her being a self-obsessed hag. For now.
But before you become Phoebe, you know there’s something that Piper has been wanting to do ever since Phoebe had that darn vision quest, so you remain Piper for a few more minutes. Because now that your only living full sister (why did Prue die rather than her?) is fully dressed, you can finally give her a MIGHTY slap! Repeatedly. It's like years of therapy all in one go.
You can now become Phoebe. I know, I don’t either, but do it anyway. You'll be able to tell that you're Phoebe, because it's italicized. Let’s try out some of her powers. First let’s try to levitate the desk.
As Phoebe, you close your eyes, clench your fists, think really really hard, draw breath and concentrate.
“HRRRRNNNNNGGGGHHHHH!” *farrrrt* Oops. You blush and wish you weren’t her right now...
Meanwhile Piper is working herself into a passive-aggressive rage.
So let's try to get a premonition instead. Close your eyes, think real hard. You see yourself at the Bay Mirror, greeting a guy with "You know you want me, little Pizza Delivery Man!" Sadly, you can't tell if this is the future or already the past.
Piper says: 'Sabotage, I'm being freaking SABOTAGED!'
Sigh! Well, now knowing that your powers are useless, you decide to go do something instead. First, though, you become Piper and get her to take the newspaper that’s lying on the floor. It’s a copy of today's Bay Mirror, the masthead proclaiming 'Over 5000 jobs inside!'
Becoming Paige again, you orb Phoebe to P3 and orb Piper to the kitchen before becoming Phoebe again.
There you spot both a bottle and a pimp. The bottle is a large green wine bottle. It's long been emptied of its alcoholic contents, but Piper keeps it around for its nostalgic value, and because it makes her smile.
Smile!
Oh, didn't Piper say something about wanting a smile on her face in that picture she wants so badly? So you take the bottle.
Then you concentrate on the pimp….
He is of the garish clothes and street jive variety. In other words, a cheap stereotype. You consider having your way with him, after all it could be a useful source of income after this 'cancellation' business...
The pimp looks you up and down and says “Man, you sure one skanky crack 'ho! Get yo' skinny butt out on them streets, girlie - here's a rock from yo' poppa to keep you going!” and you’re now holding a vial full of crack, just what you need!
No, not to take it yourself (as tempting as that could be), no, you know someone else who might want it more!
Again becoming Paige, you orb Phoebe to the kitchen to join Piper, and, sigh, yes, Billie.
Billie says "Don't you think I'm the prettiesssst, ssssexiesssst, besssstesssst witch ever?" Sigh!
Taking turns becoming each sister, you go down into the cellar. Not quite sure why as Paige you didn’t orb them there in the first place, but, oh, well, after all, you were Paige!
As Piper in the cellar you see the Shadow AKA the Woogyman or more commonly just plain Woogs. He's been a resident at the Manor since 1906, and after the minor unpleasantness of his attempt to kill the sisters was put behind everyone, he's practically become part of the family.
His current job is hovering over the Nexus to make sure nobody goes down it. Not the most exciting work, as he's the first to admit, but at least it's not some stupid temp job like dog-walking or packing fruit.
As Piper, you gotta go down the Nexus to get to some place call the Real World. So you drop the newspaper.
Woogs floats over to the newspaper and starts reading the jobs pages. Suddenly he gasps. “I can get 20 bucks an hour plus tips working with the hippies in Haight-Ashbury! Screw guarding the Nexus--I'm gonna be a tourist attraction!”
He swirls into a cheesy-looking tornado of black smoke and flies out, leaving the Nexus accessible.
Switching over to Phoebe, you hand Piper her bottle, Piper takes the bottle, looks at it for a looong minute, but restrains herself. For now.
Then, still as Phoebe, you then go down the Nexus.
YAY! No Billie down here! Instead you recoil in horror at the sight of Brad Kern, the Ultimate Evil. With his devil-horn hair, giant fleshy earlobes and long, piton-like chin, he looks like some sort of sick cartoon character.
Kern looks you up and down and says, “Send the costume back to Goodwill, Alyssa - the show's been cancelled, remember?”
Alyssa? Who’s Alyssa? Remembering what Piper did to you, you slap Brad Kern. Hard. From somewhere outside, the sound of millions of people cheering can be heard.
Then you go into the writing room, where all of Kern’s poor crack monkeys are trapped. But somehow most of them must’ve escaped, because only Monkey #2 is here. It’s a monkey of indeterminate genus. One thing that is certain though is that it's a heavy user of very hard drugs. There are so many needle marks on its arm that the skin looks like a hairy teabag. It is busy typing on a computer. You look over its shoulder and see it’s working on a script calling “Billie, The Teenaged Superwitch”. You love the look of that computer, so you take it.
Monkey #2 shrieks, scratches, bites and throws poo at you until you let go of his precious (and expensive) toy. Why do you want it anyway? You have, like, twenty laptops scattered around the Manor.
Dropping the computer (and breaking it and that script), you give the vial of crack to Monkey #2. The monkey totally forgets about the script as he snatches the crack from you, drops it in a pipe and starts smoking. In gratitude, it gives you something in return. It’s The Ludicrous Contrivance, which smells like it's been pulled out of a monkey's butt and bears a remarkable resemblance to an iPod. It has only one song on it - Michael Jackson's “Bad”. Wouldn't it be terrible if someone with the power of projection started singing “I'm bad! I'm bad!”?
You return to Kern’s office, give him another slap, just to hear all those cheers, then go back up to rejoin Piper (and Billie) in the cellar. Become Paige so you can orb yourself there and join in the upcoming fun.
Piper toys with her shiny, shiny hair.
Phoebe says, “You know you want me, little sister!” You consider orbing back up to the attic…
Billie admires her slanty mouth and maggot neck in her makeup mirror.
Switching back to Phoebe, you try to give Billie the Ludicrous Contrivance. She grabs the iPod of Contrivance from you and puts it on. She starts dancing to the music, singing 'I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm really, really bad!' It seems like her stupid projection power ought to act on that...
Quickly switch back to Piper and FREEZE BILLIE! FWOOMP! Now that Billie is bad, you can freeze her! Which you do, with glee.
Phoebe still has only one thing on her mind: “I can't wait until I finally have Ladybug!”
Paige says “My FAVorite ACtor? WILLiam SHATner!”
Billie does...nothing, actually, since she is frozen. Refreshing. Very refreshing.
Now, as Piper, you can do what you’ve been wanting to do—slap Billie! In revenge for a year of annoyance, you slap the frozen bimbo repeatedly around the face until your palms sting.
You can’t let Piper have all the fun, can you?? Change into the other two sisters and let them slap Billie , too!
When everyone has taken out their frustration, you switch back to Piper and do what you’ve been wanting to do ever since Billie first appeared—now that she’s bad and not a witch, you whoop “YES! At last!” and unleash your full destructive power on Billie, who has just enough time to scream before being blown to crap. You let out a long moan of pleasure, the first time you’ve done that since you and Leo had that fun in that other foggy dimension…
Best of all, just before she exploded, Billie dropped the Halliwell family Book of Shadows. Older entries are gorgeously calligraphed with ornate illustrations; newer entries are crudely scrawled in felt pen with crude doodles and Polaroids stapled to the pages.
The pages magically flap to a particular entry, headed 'How to Vanquish a Nrek Darb', accompanied by a picture of a malevolent-looking man with a long pointed chin and hair forming devil horns. It reads: “This Power of Three spell is so strong it will work even in the 'real world', whatever that is. To carry out the vanquish, confront the Ultimate Evil and use the command 'VANQUISH KERN'.”
Become Paige and take the Book, because you recognize that picture and lead your sisters down the Nexus.
Kern blinks in confusion and says “Shannen's replacement! What are you doing here? The show's been cancelled, remember?”
Piper sings: “Ding dong, the teenage witch is dead, dead, DEAD!”
Again Kern blinks in confusion and says “Holly Jo! You, too? I thought you’d remember that the show's been cancelled!”
First, naturally, everyone has to slap Kern, just to hear all of that cheering!
Then you all say those magic words: “VANQUISH KERN!” Brad Kern is engulfed in flames, shrieking 'You can't do this! I created you! Well, one of you!' He spins around like an idiot, then explodes in a greasy ball of fire. Something drops from the explosion as it dies away.
It’s the soul of Brian Krause, whoever he is, a glowing sphere the size of a tennis ball. A faint image of a man's face can be seen swirling inside it. Curiously, he looks an awful lot like Leo. It seems a shame to keep him trapped - the soul should be released somewhere it can do some good.
Paige knows what to do. Become her and taking the soul, you orb to the Garden. There you find Paydnz, drawing on an easel. The mighty Creator of all things that are ‘Harmed and Holy casts you a side-glance, then continues drawing. You try to take a peek, but Paydnz blocks you, mumbling that the comic's not done yet. You try to take the easel anyway, but Paydnz politely, but firmly refuses to let go of his tool. So you slap Paydnz. (remember, you are Paige and not particularly bright any more…) But, since you are currently playing the game HE invented, how about you show a little more respect?
He’s right about that, so you leave him alone and go into the garage. There you find a large chest freezer that despite being cold, on closer inspection isn't connected to any source of power. The freezer is locked tightly shut with a padlock. There's something about it that suggests it's been magically treated to resist Piper's power of blowing crap up...
That doesn’t stop you. You just orb the padlock somewhere. Where? Who cares! You try to take the freezer. (we warned you that you’re now Paige…) A whole freezer. Large enough for a man. Uh huh. Nice try, Hulk Hogan.
Opening the freezer instead, you see that inside the freezer is...
Leo! Frozen in a block of ice!
You drop the sphere. That breaks it and releases the soul of Brian Krause, whoever he is. The soul floats over to the frozen Leo, then passes through the ice and enters Leo's body - and the ice melts!
Leo is free!
Leo says 'Your powers come from your emotions. Remember that.'
You’ve heard that once too many. You slap Leo. He whines “What was that for?” and looks hurt, but otherwise does nothing. He's so much Piper's little errand boy!
For now, you just orb him to the attic so he’ll be ready for that picture Piper wants so badly. Hey, let’s do the same thing and orb up there ourselves then we’ll be ready, too. Now we almost have everything we need, I mean everyone we need, but not quite. So once there, you orb Piper to the front closet and Phoebe to the Nursery.
Become Piper in the front closet and there you see your other son. The one who isn't Twice Blessed. He’s so terrified of Wyatt that the only one who he will let pick him up is his mother. Oh, that’s you! You keep forgetting that you have two sons. Pick this one up, then have Paige orb you, him (and your bottle) to the attic.
Now become Phoebe in the nursery where you can pick up Wycho, I mean, your nephew. Even as a small child he's clearly already a cold-eyed psychopath plotting sadistic death and mayhem, but you’re not going to say that in his earshot. Paige might; you won’t!
Pick him up, then have Paige orb you, him (and the Book) to the attic.
There you spot Prue's old camera, set up on a tripod with a flash, ready to take the family portrait. For a good picture, the whole family - and nobody else - needs to be there, along with the Book of Shadows on its stand. Oh, and if Piper had a smile on her face, that would be a huge help.
HEY, CHARMED FAN!
-Piper here with her bottle so she has a smile on her face? Check!
-Phoebe here? Check!
-Paige here? Check!
-Leo here? Check!
-Wyatt here? Check!
-Chris here? Check!
-Book of Shadows on its stand? Check!
-Billie nowhere in sight?? Double check!
We’ve got everything we need for Piper’s picture! And SNAP! The spirit of Prue appears and takes the perfect family photo. Now the Halliwells can go happily into cancellation!
And look what shows up on your screen when you hit Enter!
Oh, there’s another caveat--that Charmed One has to let you. Phoebe won’t—she has her own needs that must be taken care of first and you don’t have the items needed to take care of those needs…she’s still trying to get a hold of the sperm that will let her conceive her daughter, you know. (Who cares who the sperm comes from? She sure doesn't.)
Paige won't let you be her either—well, let’s put it this way, you don’t want to be Paige until you get Piper to do a couple of things for her first, although you definitely want your chance to be Paige. You see, thanks to Teshik’s spell, Paige’s powers have developed so much that if you can become Paige, you can orb your sisters or Leo anywhere, even if you yourself aren’t there - although you can only orb one of your sisters or Leo or yourself, no one else, and you can only orb one of them at a time. But being able to do that could be very helpful in finding the others.
Unfortunately, those powers also make Paige’s facial hair grow even faster than usual and her powers tend to act up when that her moustache gets too long, and Paige can’t use her razor if she doesn’t have her medicine to calm all of her twitches. And Paige keeps her meds in her bedroom and the razor in the bathroom, but thanks to Teshik’s spell, the second floor is now a trans-dimensional portal so that no matter which room you go into, when you go out of the room, you either end up back in the room where you started or you end up in a completely different room on the second floor!
But Piper will let you become her—she needs your help. You see, disturbed by the arrival of a mysterious letter that informed her that the Charmed Ones have been 'cancelled', whatever that means, Piper has decided to make sure that no matter what happens, she’ll have one perfect family photo to remember everyone by. The problem is, to get this, she knows she will have to:
-get the co-operation of Paige and Phoebe
-keep Wyatt and Chris out of the same room unless their mother is with them so there won't be any magical sibling rivalry hijinks
-make sure that Billie's maggot neck isn't in the picture (and you'll have to help Piper recover the Book of Shadows from her – she thinks it's hers now that Piper and her sisters have been cancelled, since she's certain that her spin-off, whatever that is, will start at any moment)
-rescue Leo from wherever the hell he's been frozen,
-and last but by no means least, have a smile on her own face, and that might be the toughest thing of all...
So guess what, you are now Piper. You are a whining passive-agreessive woman with long shiny hair, the only beautiful thing about you. You're standing in the Solarium, glaring at Billie. Billie Jenkins is a wretched little bimbo with a mouth angled at 90 degrees to the normal, a segmented maggot neck, bleached roots and an infuriating hissing lisp. She's wearing so many layers of makeup that it's a wonder her face doesn't crack every time she opens her mouth. It's like an archaeological dig of Revlon.
Billie has somehow wormed (or maggoted) her way into the Manor, and now, like the stench of a dead rat under the floor, just won't go away. She's carrying the Book of Shadows around with her because she’s sure she now owns it
But where is everyone? After yelling and getting no response, you decide to try hunting. Billie grins at you and says, “Only blondessss are beautiful, and I'm sssso blonde I musssst be ssssimply sssstunning!”
You have had it with Billie! You decide to freeze the bimbo. BUT good witches don’t freeze! Unfortunately. Raising your hand, you try to give Billie a mighty SLAP! But Billie uses her segmented maggoty neck to dodge her head out of the path of the blows raining down on her.
Again Billie grins. 'Sssscrew Leo, we need to find my ssssisssster, Chrisssstie!'
That does it! You BLAST the bimbo! Billie dodges your blast, giving you a nasty, slanted, excessively lip-glossed pout in response.
Now you are very frustrated, but you also know that there isn’t anything you are going to be able to do about Billie, so you decide to go find your family instead. Maybe they can help you figure a way to get rid of her.
First you have to go get Paige, so you can get her to orb you places, and she was last in the attic, but first you better go get her meds and her razor. No way you want to get lost on the second floor, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to get Paige to help you!
So you go into the hall and then up the stairs to the second floor landing. Billie follows you everywhere you go, still being very, very irritating, constantly blathering about how beautiful she is and demanding that you help her find Christy. Oh, how you wish you could blast the bimbo, but you knows you can’t - well, at least not yet...
Going into the bathroom, still followed by Billie, who annoys the crap out of everyone ON THE FREAKING PLANET with her very existence, you are shocked to find out that it is indeed the bathroom and there’s the razor.
Taking the razor, you go back into the hall and into Paige’s bedroom. Unfortunately, you end right back in the bathroom! GRRR that Teshik warlock! Why did you vanquish him before finding out how to fix all of this??
So, still followed by Billie, you go back into the hall and into Paige’s bedroom. YOU’RE BACK IN THE FREAKING BATHROOM!
Billie looks around and then tells you, “I wassss down by the Bay and a fish ssssprang from the water and tried to eat my neck! What'ssss that all about?” GRRRRR!!!
AGAIN you try walking out of the bathroom and into Paige’s bedroom. FINALLY! You’re actually in Paige’s bedroom and there’s the medication! Compared with some of your wanderings around the second floor, this was actually fairly easy! Taking the medication, now all you need to do is find the landing again and go upstairs to the attic and find Paige.
Unfortunately, when you walk back into the hall, rather than the hall, you find yourself in your and Leo’s bedroom, STILL followed by that annoying blonde known as Billie. Oh, you wish you knew where Leo is! But Billie hears your mutter. “'Sssscrew Leo, we need to find my ssssisssster, Chrisssstie!”
You glare at her, desperately wishing you could explode good witches, or at least freeze her so you could shut her up! Just when you’re ready to try to strangle her, you see your diary by the bed, in which you no longer confide your innermost thoughts after Zankou put them on the Internet for everyone to laugh at.
Instead, it’s now full of tips like “PAIGE, DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORB TO P3 AND THE BAY MIRROR! Oh, and you can orb freaking guns too, you halfwit" and "Seriously. Paige. You can orb to any room of the house, even the ones lost in the swirling trans-dimensional vortex of the second floor. Think about it.” Oh, that's right! You’ll have to remind Paige about that!
Again you try walking back into the hall. Instead you end up in the Nursery, still followed by Billie.
There Wyatt STARES at his mother.
You gaze fondly at your son, the most wonderful, most blessed baby ever to exist. He can do no wrong.
Although you sometimes finds his staring a little unnerving.
Wyatt still STARES at his mother.
Smiling at Wyatt, telling him you’ll be back for him later, but you really can’t carry him while carrying Paige’s razor and medication, you try going out the door AND YOU’RE RIGHT BACK IN YOUR OWN FREAKING BEDROOM, still followed by Billie!
So you go back in the hallway AND YOU’RE BACK IN THE FREAKING NURSERY where Wyatt STARES at his mother.
Well, after an hour of wandering around the freaking second floor, Billie following you everywhere you go, you FINALLY find the second-floor landing and go up to the attic, where HALLELUJAH!
You spot Paige, a spasming, pouting dimwit with too much lipstick, appalling color co-ordination (she's dressed in bright lemon yellow, brighter lime-green and even-brighter orange!) and way too much facial hair.
You hand her the meds. She somehow manages to open the bottle and swallow a pill. Her spaz attacks and mugging ease...slightly.
So you hand her the razor. She quickly trims down her facial hair to an (almost) acceptable length.
Paige now has everything she needs to function as a normal woman... at least for the few hours before the spasms and bristles return. You can now become Paige, so you do. But now that you can become different sisters, but only one at a time, I'll try to make it easier on you by BOLDING when you're Paige.
Your half-sister Piper says, "I'll never be truly happy until I've blasted Billie's bony butt straight to Hell!" Although you wouldn't say it that way, you totally agree!
Billie tells you, "Only blondessss are beautiful, and I'm sssso blonde I musssst be ssssimply sssstunning!"
Well, dear Charmed fan, you couldn’t do anything about Billie as Piper, maybe you can as Paige. You try to orb her straight to Hell. Unfortunately, thanks to Teshik, you can only orb your sisters or Leo. Darn it anyway!
So you try to slap Billie, but again Billie uses her segmented maggoty neck to dodge her head out of the path of the blows raining down on her. Darn it!
Piper wants to try to find Phoebe, but you both know that Phoebe won’t do anything until you take care of her needs first, so you orb Piper to the dining room before becoming Piper again Somehow or another, Billie has followed you, caking on even more eye shadow. Part of Tesik’s freaking spell! You swear he was trying to drive you crazy!
Going into Gram’s sewing room, you are VERY surprised to see Teshik! But you thought you vanquished him! Der Über-Geek, Programmer of crappy applications and wannabe-author regards you with a mixture of antipathy and boredom.
“Pleaaaaase reverse the spell that prevents me from killing her!” and you point at Billie.
"That's what you get for vanquishing me rather than Bifi!" and smirking he vanishes and you go back to the dining room and then to the kitchen, Billie still following you,
In the kitchen, you spot the turkey baster, one of your multitudinous cooking implements, a large clear plastic pipette with a red rubber bulb on top. Useful for sucking up liquids. Hating to think about what you’re going to use it for, but knowing you have to, you take the baster.
Then you go into the laundry room, still followed by that annoying blonde known as Billie, or as Teshik called her, Bifi. There you see the Halliwell family washing machine, which has seen many a hideous garment over the years. There's something inside the washing machine - one of Phoebe's funbag-revealing strings... er, tops, a couple of pieces of blue string that when worn just about cover up her nipples. Although you know you'd never wear such a thing, that’s what Phoebe is going to want, so you take the skimpy top.
Now, thanks to that wonderful (for you, dear Charmed fan, not for Piper…) spell of Teshik’s, you become Paige again so you can orb Piper to the Bay Mirror before becoming Piper again, and there you find Phoebe, your selfish, egotistical, bony hag of a sister with fugly clothes, laughable fake breasts and a load of hideous and inappropriate tattoos.
Worst of all, she’s naked!
Phoebe poses like a superhero and cries: "I'm OVULA! Ting"
There is one good part, though--no Billie! Thanks to Teshik’s spell, she can’t follow you out of the Manor!
Closing your eyes so you don’t have to look at your naked sister, you hand her the skimpy top.
Without a word of thanks, she takes the skimpy top and puts it on. “I can't wait to get knocked up with Ladybug by some guy!”
You know you’ll have to shut her up, and you know how. Oh, how you hate to do the next part, but you know you have to. You look at Phoebe's office desk. It looks like it's been put to hard (and disgusting) use.
There's something on the desk. It looks like... eeeurghh! A pool of semen! Taking a deep breath, so not wanting to do this, you use the turkey baster to suck up the semen. Eeuurghh!
You hand the baster, now full of semen, to your sister. Without a word of thanks, Phoebe takes the turkey baster, inserts it somewhere you really don't want to think about, and squeezes the bulb. “See you in nine months, Ladybug!”
Now that THAT horrible duty has been performed, you quickly become Paige again and orb Piper into Phoebe’s bedroom before becoming Piper again.
SIGH! Guess who’s back. Yup, you’re in the Manor again, so Billie is following you around again, the reason why Paige is orbing YOU rather than doing all of this herself!
(Maybe your half-sister isn’t as dumb as you think she is…)
Billie says “Remember when I turned my parentssss into assssssssassssssssinssss? Good timessss!”
First glaring at Billie, you look around and spot Phoebe's favorite pants, the ones that are cut so low they practically reveal the base of her pubic bone. They're specially tailored for maximum cooter tat revealage. Bleurgh.
Taking the cooter pants, you again become Paige, orb Piper back to the Bay Mirror and then become Piper again, where you hand Phoebe her pants. Without a word of thanks, Phoebe takes the cooter pants and puts them on.
Phoebe now has everything she needs to stop her being a self-obsessed hag. For now.
But before you become Phoebe, you know there’s something that Piper has been wanting to do ever since Phoebe had that darn vision quest, so you remain Piper for a few more minutes. Because now that your only living full sister (why did Prue die rather than her?) is fully dressed, you can finally give her a MIGHTY slap! Repeatedly. It's like years of therapy all in one go.
You can now become Phoebe. I know, I don’t either, but do it anyway. You'll be able to tell that you're Phoebe, because it's italicized. Let’s try out some of her powers. First let’s try to levitate the desk.
As Phoebe, you close your eyes, clench your fists, think really really hard, draw breath and concentrate.
“HRRRRNNNNNGGGGHHHHH!” *farrrrt* Oops. You blush and wish you weren’t her right now...
Meanwhile Piper is working herself into a passive-aggressive rage.
So let's try to get a premonition instead. Close your eyes, think real hard. You see yourself at the Bay Mirror, greeting a guy with "You know you want me, little Pizza Delivery Man!" Sadly, you can't tell if this is the future or already the past.
Piper says: 'Sabotage, I'm being freaking SABOTAGED!'
Sigh! Well, now knowing that your powers are useless, you decide to go do something instead. First, though, you become Piper and get her to take the newspaper that’s lying on the floor. It’s a copy of today's Bay Mirror, the masthead proclaiming 'Over 5000 jobs inside!'
Becoming Paige again, you orb Phoebe to P3 and orb Piper to the kitchen before becoming Phoebe again.
There you spot both a bottle and a pimp. The bottle is a large green wine bottle. It's long been emptied of its alcoholic contents, but Piper keeps it around for its nostalgic value, and because it makes her smile.
Smile!
Oh, didn't Piper say something about wanting a smile on her face in that picture she wants so badly? So you take the bottle.
Then you concentrate on the pimp….
He is of the garish clothes and street jive variety. In other words, a cheap stereotype. You consider having your way with him, after all it could be a useful source of income after this 'cancellation' business...
The pimp looks you up and down and says “Man, you sure one skanky crack 'ho! Get yo' skinny butt out on them streets, girlie - here's a rock from yo' poppa to keep you going!” and you’re now holding a vial full of crack, just what you need!
No, not to take it yourself (as tempting as that could be), no, you know someone else who might want it more!
Again becoming Paige, you orb Phoebe to the kitchen to join Piper, and, sigh, yes, Billie.
Billie says "Don't you think I'm the prettiesssst, ssssexiesssst, besssstesssst witch ever?" Sigh!
Taking turns becoming each sister, you go down into the cellar. Not quite sure why as Paige you didn’t orb them there in the first place, but, oh, well, after all, you were Paige!
As Piper in the cellar you see the Shadow AKA the Woogyman or more commonly just plain Woogs. He's been a resident at the Manor since 1906, and after the minor unpleasantness of his attempt to kill the sisters was put behind everyone, he's practically become part of the family.
His current job is hovering over the Nexus to make sure nobody goes down it. Not the most exciting work, as he's the first to admit, but at least it's not some stupid temp job like dog-walking or packing fruit.
As Piper, you gotta go down the Nexus to get to some place call the Real World. So you drop the newspaper.
Woogs floats over to the newspaper and starts reading the jobs pages. Suddenly he gasps. “I can get 20 bucks an hour plus tips working with the hippies in Haight-Ashbury! Screw guarding the Nexus--I'm gonna be a tourist attraction!”
He swirls into a cheesy-looking tornado of black smoke and flies out, leaving the Nexus accessible.
Switching over to Phoebe, you hand Piper her bottle, Piper takes the bottle, looks at it for a looong minute, but restrains herself. For now.
Then, still as Phoebe, you then go down the Nexus.
YAY! No Billie down here! Instead you recoil in horror at the sight of Brad Kern, the Ultimate Evil. With his devil-horn hair, giant fleshy earlobes and long, piton-like chin, he looks like some sort of sick cartoon character.
Kern looks you up and down and says, “Send the costume back to Goodwill, Alyssa - the show's been cancelled, remember?”
Alyssa? Who’s Alyssa? Remembering what Piper did to you, you slap Brad Kern. Hard. From somewhere outside, the sound of millions of people cheering can be heard.
Then you go into the writing room, where all of Kern’s poor crack monkeys are trapped. But somehow most of them must’ve escaped, because only Monkey #2 is here. It’s a monkey of indeterminate genus. One thing that is certain though is that it's a heavy user of very hard drugs. There are so many needle marks on its arm that the skin looks like a hairy teabag. It is busy typing on a computer. You look over its shoulder and see it’s working on a script calling “Billie, The Teenaged Superwitch”. You love the look of that computer, so you take it.
Monkey #2 shrieks, scratches, bites and throws poo at you until you let go of his precious (and expensive) toy. Why do you want it anyway? You have, like, twenty laptops scattered around the Manor.
Dropping the computer (and breaking it and that script), you give the vial of crack to Monkey #2. The monkey totally forgets about the script as he snatches the crack from you, drops it in a pipe and starts smoking. In gratitude, it gives you something in return. It’s The Ludicrous Contrivance, which smells like it's been pulled out of a monkey's butt and bears a remarkable resemblance to an iPod. It has only one song on it - Michael Jackson's “Bad”. Wouldn't it be terrible if someone with the power of projection started singing “I'm bad! I'm bad!”?
You return to Kern’s office, give him another slap, just to hear all those cheers, then go back up to rejoin Piper (and Billie) in the cellar. Become Paige so you can orb yourself there and join in the upcoming fun.
Piper toys with her shiny, shiny hair.
Phoebe says, “You know you want me, little sister!” You consider orbing back up to the attic…
Billie admires her slanty mouth and maggot neck in her makeup mirror.
Switching back to Phoebe, you try to give Billie the Ludicrous Contrivance. She grabs the iPod of Contrivance from you and puts it on. She starts dancing to the music, singing 'I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm really, really bad!' It seems like her stupid projection power ought to act on that...
Quickly switch back to Piper and FREEZE BILLIE! FWOOMP! Now that Billie is bad, you can freeze her! Which you do, with glee.
Phoebe still has only one thing on her mind: “I can't wait until I finally have Ladybug!”
Paige says “My FAVorite ACtor? WILLiam SHATner!”
Billie does...nothing, actually, since she is frozen. Refreshing. Very refreshing.
Now, as Piper, you can do what you’ve been wanting to do—slap Billie! In revenge for a year of annoyance, you slap the frozen bimbo repeatedly around the face until your palms sting.
You can’t let Piper have all the fun, can you?? Change into the other two sisters and let them slap Billie , too!
When everyone has taken out their frustration, you switch back to Piper and do what you’ve been wanting to do ever since Billie first appeared—now that she’s bad and not a witch, you whoop “YES! At last!” and unleash your full destructive power on Billie, who has just enough time to scream before being blown to crap. You let out a long moan of pleasure, the first time you’ve done that since you and Leo had that fun in that other foggy dimension…
Best of all, just before she exploded, Billie dropped the Halliwell family Book of Shadows. Older entries are gorgeously calligraphed with ornate illustrations; newer entries are crudely scrawled in felt pen with crude doodles and Polaroids stapled to the pages.
The pages magically flap to a particular entry, headed 'How to Vanquish a Nrek Darb', accompanied by a picture of a malevolent-looking man with a long pointed chin and hair forming devil horns. It reads: “This Power of Three spell is so strong it will work even in the 'real world', whatever that is. To carry out the vanquish, confront the Ultimate Evil and use the command 'VANQUISH KERN'.”
Become Paige and take the Book, because you recognize that picture and lead your sisters down the Nexus.
Kern blinks in confusion and says “Shannen's replacement! What are you doing here? The show's been cancelled, remember?”
Piper sings: “Ding dong, the teenage witch is dead, dead, DEAD!”
Again Kern blinks in confusion and says “Holly Jo! You, too? I thought you’d remember that the show's been cancelled!”
First, naturally, everyone has to slap Kern, just to hear all of that cheering!
Then you all say those magic words: “VANQUISH KERN!” Brad Kern is engulfed in flames, shrieking 'You can't do this! I created you! Well, one of you!' He spins around like an idiot, then explodes in a greasy ball of fire. Something drops from the explosion as it dies away.
It’s the soul of Brian Krause, whoever he is, a glowing sphere the size of a tennis ball. A faint image of a man's face can be seen swirling inside it. Curiously, he looks an awful lot like Leo. It seems a shame to keep him trapped - the soul should be released somewhere it can do some good.
Paige knows what to do. Become her and taking the soul, you orb to the Garden. There you find Paydnz, drawing on an easel. The mighty Creator of all things that are ‘Harmed and Holy casts you a side-glance, then continues drawing. You try to take a peek, but Paydnz blocks you, mumbling that the comic's not done yet. You try to take the easel anyway, but Paydnz politely, but firmly refuses to let go of his tool. So you slap Paydnz. (remember, you are Paige and not particularly bright any more…) But, since you are currently playing the game HE invented, how about you show a little more respect?
He’s right about that, so you leave him alone and go into the garage. There you find a large chest freezer that despite being cold, on closer inspection isn't connected to any source of power. The freezer is locked tightly shut with a padlock. There's something about it that suggests it's been magically treated to resist Piper's power of blowing crap up...
That doesn’t stop you. You just orb the padlock somewhere. Where? Who cares! You try to take the freezer. (we warned you that you’re now Paige…) A whole freezer. Large enough for a man. Uh huh. Nice try, Hulk Hogan.
Opening the freezer instead, you see that inside the freezer is...
Leo! Frozen in a block of ice!
You drop the sphere. That breaks it and releases the soul of Brian Krause, whoever he is. The soul floats over to the frozen Leo, then passes through the ice and enters Leo's body - and the ice melts!
Leo is free!
Leo says 'Your powers come from your emotions. Remember that.'
You’ve heard that once too many. You slap Leo. He whines “What was that for?” and looks hurt, but otherwise does nothing. He's so much Piper's little errand boy!
For now, you just orb him to the attic so he’ll be ready for that picture Piper wants so badly. Hey, let’s do the same thing and orb up there ourselves then we’ll be ready, too. Now we almost have everything we need, I mean everyone we need, but not quite. So once there, you orb Piper to the front closet and Phoebe to the Nursery.
Become Piper in the front closet and there you see your other son. The one who isn't Twice Blessed. He’s so terrified of Wyatt that the only one who he will let pick him up is his mother. Oh, that’s you! You keep forgetting that you have two sons. Pick this one up, then have Paige orb you, him (and your bottle) to the attic.
Now become Phoebe in the nursery where you can pick up Wycho, I mean, your nephew. Even as a small child he's clearly already a cold-eyed psychopath plotting sadistic death and mayhem, but you’re not going to say that in his earshot. Paige might; you won’t!
Pick him up, then have Paige orb you, him (and the Book) to the attic.
There you spot Prue's old camera, set up on a tripod with a flash, ready to take the family portrait. For a good picture, the whole family - and nobody else - needs to be there, along with the Book of Shadows on its stand. Oh, and if Piper had a smile on her face, that would be a huge help.
HEY, CHARMED FAN!
-Piper here with her bottle so she has a smile on her face? Check!
-Phoebe here? Check!
-Paige here? Check!
-Leo here? Check!
-Wyatt here? Check!
-Chris here? Check!
-Book of Shadows on its stand? Check!
-Billie nowhere in sight?? Double check!
We’ve got everything we need for Piper’s picture! And SNAP! The spirit of Prue appears and takes the perfect family photo. Now the Halliwells can go happily into cancellation!
And look what shows up on your screen when you hit Enter!
Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I do each time I do.
