Masochism 1o1- P3Nathan's Season 8 Rewatch

[Deleted]

Oh...Great... They’re Alive
AKA- Rewitched

We open with Paige and Billie in the attic. Apparently three innocents have been killed in the last three weeks, near the hospital. Paige wants Billie to ID the demon and strongly insists that she do nothing more- so much so that she takes away all her potions. So when Billie inevitably sees an innocent being murdered, she’s just supposed to chill and eat some pop corn? Yup sounds about right.

And here we have said innocent. He rushes down an alley when some guy in a suit begs for someone to help his non-existent wife. As soon as the innocent runs  into the alley, the guy in the suit summons a swarm of what look like glowing red moths.

Billie arrives just in time and can’t help but save this guy; what with her being a half decent human and all. She gets a closer look at one of the red glowy things and upon closer inspection; they’re tiny flying monkeys. Billie vanquishes a few, but the majority of the swarm gets away and Billie gets the innocent to the hospital.

Little does Billie know that Agent Murphy is watching. DUN DUN. Only not, because how many times have we been down this road at this point?

Back at the Manor, Piper has organised a speed dating night at P3 and she wants Paige to take part. Paige is very reluctant because she thinks they’ll all be desperate... and you’re one to talk Paige!



Piper guilts Paige into it with this line-

Piper: What, do you wanna be homeless? Because that's what's gonna happen if we lose our only source of income.

She said this before in season 7 and once again I find myself screaming “Phoebe’s column?!?!” You spend enough time boring me to tears with it, you could at least remember it after!


Phoebe arrives to tell us that she's ovulating. Oh goody, just as I put this episode on, I thought "Oooh I wonder if Phoebe will be ovulating this episode", so it's nice of them to address that for me! So anyway, she’s off to claim Dex’s seed as her own. *Shudder*

Billie is back. Phoebe is spying on her and sees the cut on her arm. She immediately taddles to Paige. What a snitch. 

So it turns out we have two demons this episode. There’s the guy from earlier, who I’m going to call Monotone; because he seriously makes Dex look like a glowing beacon of personality. Then there’s a crazy professor type who I’ll call Igor. Turns out Igor is lord of the flying monkeys... or imps actually.

Murphy visits the Manor and asks Billie about the Halliwell sisters.

Phoebe: He must have known you were connected somehow. Otherwise he wouldn't be following you, right?

Hmm, yes he must have somehow known that she was connected. The girl who is constantly at Halliwell Manor with the sisters’ three “cousins” who just so happen to have all the same jobs. Wonder how he figured that out.


Anyway, the sisters are happy to let the innocents die, no surprise there. Paige and Piper are particularly horrid about it. Phoebe isn’t great either but she at least says to Billie:

Phoebe: It’s okay sweetie, it’s not your fault.

To which I respond: Too f’ing right it’s not her fault!!!



But this bit is. Billie tries to find something to solve the problem in the BOS, but as is often the case with this show, she gets totally side tracked by Phoebe’s love life. She finds a spell “to make a lover’s dream come true” which assaults Phoebe and Dex with some golden sparkles and then they run off together... with any luck they’re going to throw themselves into the ocean, but that's probably too much to hope for.

Piper shows us what a super fun boss she is before letting in the speed daters. Some poindexter enters and gives Paige the eye. This is such trash.

So Phoebe and Dex are married now, because he only has one episode left (hooray) so they need to get this whole thing moving as quickly as possible. The spell wears off as they enter the Manor and they’re both freaked. Phoebe hoots and yaps the way she often does as we establish that neither of them have any memory of what went on under the spell’s influence.

Speed dating at P3. Honestly, the less said about this, the better. All you need to know is, Paige meets a half decent guy called Wit (who looks like half her age by the way, but hey ho)

A reporter approaches Piper because he wants to do an article about how she made speed dating cool. Oh give me strength.

Piper’s new identity is called Jamie by the way.

Piper and Phoebe yell at Billie until Phoebe considers the possibility that maybe this was how it was all “meant” to happen. I’ll gripe more about this in a moment, but first let me address this stupid line-

Phoebe: Billie if we get exposed, we may never be able to help an innocent again!

Oh. Okay, thank you Phoebe. It all makes perfect sense now. You HAVE to stand back and let innocent people be slaughtered, because otherwise you won’t be able to save all the innocents that you have no intention of saving in the future! Now I understand.



Meanwhile, a nurse is killed by the flying monkeys.

So yeah, anyway, Phoebe is totally going to go through with this, putting it under the “everything happens for a reason” banner. I bet that idiot Dex thinks his free will actually means something, pfft!
Dex’s instinct is to get in annulled, but Phoebe talks him out of it.


Dex: Even though you have no idea how we got married?
Phoebe: I kinda feel like that parts irrelevant.

Erm, no Phoebe, it’s really not irrelevant. Not when you're lying; when you know full well what happened and are well aware of the fact that he was under magical influence. That is nowhere near the ballpark of irrelevant! I was about to write how baffled I am that the writers think this is fine, but then I remembered “Prince Charmed” so I guess this is nothing by comparison.



Meanwhile, Paige can’t have sex with Wit because he calls her Jo and can’t see the real her. Compare that to Phoebe, who is willing to build an entire future with someone based on lie after lie after lie. Heck, even an insufferable shadow of a human like Dex deserves better than that!

We’re back with the demons. Monotone’s actual name is Antosis... Think I caught that on a camping trip once; nasty stuff.



Phoebe and Paige wallow in front of the fire. I’ll give Phoebe her due, she does admit that Billie is right, but then she spoils it with this-

Phoebe: Thanks to Billie, we're gonna have to come up with a plan pretty soon. She made me feel pretty guilty about not helping her with this demon.

Oh you poor, poor dear. There she was, so wrapped up in thinking about those innocents being shredded to pieces that she didn’t take enough time to soothe your guilty conscience. Bad Billie, very bad! Know your priorities girl!




Murphy talks to Piper. He doesn’t want to bust them, just to work with them. So Brody 2.0 then? Although he does give us this bit of dialogue which I kinda want to applaud him for.

Murphy: Of course, like everything else, there are good things and bad things. But if you're not doing anything to stop this, then, as far as I'm concerned, you're on the wrong side. And I don't know how you could live with yourselves.

Wow, go Murphy! So glad the writers will actually let the sisters hear it without the sugar coating.




After saving another innocent, Billie is followed to the Manor by the demons. Billie vanquishes Igor and his flying monkeys with a potion. It’s quick, but it’s actually a pretty cool vanquish, with the imps exploding around him like fireworks before Igor himself goes up in sparks. Then the sisters arrive to kill Monotone with the power of three, that one's pretty standard.

They reverse the identity spell, not happy with how it’s working out. Goodbye crappy mirror green screen.

Urgh then there’s this. The sisters march slow motion into Homeland Security. Everyone is really shocked to see them and it’s all just painful “look at how cool and amazing and famous the sisters are!” stuff that makes me hack.

They meet with Murphy. They offer to help him with cases if he covers for them. So Murphy tells everyone that the sisters were witnesses to a crime that endangered national security and they had to fake their deaths to smoke out the perpetrators. Fine, whatever, you’ve written yourselves out of that corner; let’s just move on from this mess please.

(Sigh) No such luck. Phoebe visits Dex’s apartment. Phoebe glamours into Julie right in front of him. Dex says nothing and faints. Yeah, that wasn’t funny when Jason did it and it aint funny now.

Piper and Paige reveal themselves to a huge crowd at P3. They’re cheering, taking photos, the works. I have no idea why people care so much, but there you go. Now all three of the sisters are super famous. Oh joy.


Next up- We learn more about Billie’s past and say “bye, see you never” to the ever exciting Dex Lawson.

[Deleted]

We open with Paige and Billie in the attic. Apparently three innocents have been killed in the last three weeks, near the hospital. Paige wants Billie to ID the demon and strongly insists that she do nothing more- so much so that she takes away all her potions. So when Billie inevitably sees an innocent being murdered, she’s just supposed to chill and eat some pop corn? Yup sounds about right.

Save Innocents?  Buzz off, Billie, we have shopping to do and a baby daddy to find.

Billie arrives just in time and can’t help but save this guy; what with her being a half decent human and all.

This scene is where the Budget Nuke Of 2005 really stands out.  Watch where Billie stuffs the guy into a taxi cab.  It's quite obvious that this is a studio set.  And let's not even talk about that same alley appearing again and again...

She said this before in season 7 and once again I find myself screaming “Phoebe’s column?!?!” You spend enough time boring me to tears with it, you could at least remember it after!

That darn memory virus strikes again.

Phoebe arrives to tell us that she's ovulating. Oh goody, just as I put this episode on, I thought "Oooh I wonder if Phoebe will be ovulating this episode", so it's nice of them to address that for me! So anyway, she’s off to claim Dex’s seed as her own. *Shudder*

Can't have an episode without mentioning Phoebe's quest for her baby daddy, right.

The girl who is constantly at Halliwell Manor with the sisters’ three “cousins” who just so happen to have all the same jobs. Wonder how he figured that out.

Funny how a mere humans can put this all together, yet both the Elders and Demons remain totally clueless.

Anyway, the sisters are happy to let the innocents die, no surprise there.

Their Innocent saving days are long behind them.

But this bit is. Billie tries to find something to solve the problem in the BOS, but as is often the case with this show, she gets totally side tracked by Phoebe’s love life. She finds a spell “to make a lover’s dream come true” which assaults Phoebe and Dex with some golden sparkles and then they run off together... with any luck they’re going to throw themselves into the ocean, but that's probably too much to hope for.

Yeah, because Phoebe's love life trumps saving Innocents every time.

Speed dating at P3. Honestly, the less said about this, the better. All you need to know is, Paige meets a half decent guy called Wit (who looks like half her age by the way, but hey ho)

Sounds like the episode ran short and they had to pad it out.

Oh. Okay, thank you Phoebe. It all makes perfect sense now. You HAVE to stand back and let innocent people be slaughtered, because otherwise you won’t be able to save all the innocents that you have no intention of saving in the future! Now I understand.

Good old Phoebe logic.  Clearly her libido had destroyed her brain.

Erm, no Phoebe, it’s really not irrelevant. Not when you're lying; when you know full well what happened and are well aware of the fact that he was under magical influence. That is nowhere near the ballpark of irrelevant!

Yeah, but she's PHOEBE.  F*ck the fact that it was based on a lie.

Meanwhile, Paige can’t have sex with Wit because he calls her Jo and can’t see the real her.

Good for Paige.  At least she's not willing to build a relationship based on a lie.

Oh you poor, poor dear. There she was, so wrapped up in thinking about those innocents being shredded to pieces that she didn’t take enough time to soothe your guilty conscience. Bad Billie, very bad! Know your priorities girl!

Lupa was sure right when she called out the Charmed Ones on how selfish they've been here, right.

They meet with Murphy. They offer to help him with cases if he covers for them. So Murphy tells everyone that the sisters were witnesses to a crime that endangered national security and they had to fake their deaths to smoke out the perpetrators. Fine, whatever, you’ve written yourselves out of that corner; let’s just move on from this mess please.

The new identities thing was not a bad idea, however, the Budget Nuke screwed it up because they couldn't build any new sets.  So the writers had to keep them in the Manor and the same jobs, which stretched the suspension of disbelief to the breaking point.  They were wise to drop it as soon as possible, because, under the circumstances, it just wasn't going to work.

Phoebe glamours into Julie right in front of him. Dex says nothing and faints. Yeah, that wasn’t funny when Jason did it and it aint funny now.

They weren't even trying anymore, were they.

bye, see you never” to the ever exciting Dex Lawson.

Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out, Dex.

Another great review.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2015 12:14:50 GMT -5 @p3nathan said:

Piper guilts Paige into it with this line-

Piper: What, do you wanna be homeless? Because that's what's gonna happen if we lose our only source of income.

She said this before in season 7 and once again I find myself screaming “Phoebe’s column?!?!” You spend enough time boring me to tears with it, you could at least remember it after!

Wasn't that line trotted out in 'Pre-Witched' as well? (incidentally by Piper)? Given the fact that the Manor has been in the family for several generations, losing it doesn't seem immediately likely considering it probably doesn't have a mortgage anymore :shakeshead:

Back at the Manor, Piper has organised a speed dating night at P3 and she wants Paige to take part. Paige is very reluctant because she thinks they’ll all be desperate... and you’re one to talk Paige!

Ah, more of Paige's descent from kooky-but-kind club kid who wanted to be a social worker to dumb, shallow Valley Girl who was too lazy to get a job. 

Phoebe arrives to tell us that she's ovulating. Oh goody, just as I put this episode on, I thought "Oooh I wonder if Phoebe will be ovulating this episode", so it's nice of them to address that for me! So anyway, she’s off to claim Dex’s seed as her own. *Shudder*

Ah the incredible ovulating woman returns! We do I feel like we've been transported back to the latter part of Season 6?

Hmm, yes he must have somehow known that she was connected. The girl who is constantly at Halliwell Manor with the sisters’ three “cousins” who just so happen to have all the same jobs. Wonder how he figured that out.

He's been putting Phoebe's premonition power to good use, seeing as she isn't bothering.  

So Phoebe and Dex are married now, because he only has one episode left (hooray) so they need to get this whole thing moving as quickly as possible. The spell wears off as they enter the Manor and they’re both freaked. Phoebe hoots and yaps the way she often does as we establish that neither of them have any memory of what went on under the spell’s influence.

Is there any particularly reason the spell made them lose their memories and run off to get married? Wouldn't a weekend in Vegas have sufficed?

Piper’s new identity is called Jamie by the way.

Hmm, cousins who all have J names... just like those sisters who all had P names. 

Phoebe: Billie if we get exposed, we may never be able to help an innocent again!

Oh. Okay, thank you Phoebe. It all makes perfect sense now. You HAVE to stand back and let innocent people be slaughtered, because otherwise you won’t be able to save all the innocents that you have no intention of saving in the future! Now I understand.

Exactly, talk about contradicting yourself. 

Erm, no Phoebe, it’s really not irrelevant. Not when you're lying; when you know full well what happened and are well aware of the fact that he was under magical influence. That is nowhere near the ballpark of irrelevant! I was about to write how baffled I am that the writers think this is fine, but then I remembered “Prince Charmed” so I guess this is nothing by comparison.

Translation: It's irrelevant because I want it to happen, so you'll bloody well put up with it... and subsequently get me knocked up.

Phoebe: Thanks to Billie, we're gonna have to come up with a plan pretty soon. She made me feel pretty guilty about not helping her with this demon.

Oh you poor, poor dear. There she was, so wrapped up in thinking about those innocents being shredded to pieces that she didn’t take enough time to soothe your guilty conscience. Bad Billie, very bad! Know your priorities girl!

I can't believe that was an actual line. 

Urgh then there’s this. The sisters march slow motion into Homeland Security. Everyone is really shocked to see them and it’s all just painful “look at how cool and amazing and famous the sisters are!” stuff that makes me hack.

Again, why are they famous? A columnist from a local rag and a nightclub owner?

They meet with Murphy. They offer to help him with cases if he covers for them. So Murphy tells everyone that the sisters were witnesses to a crime that endangered national security and they had to fake their deaths to smoke out the perpetrators. Fine, whatever, you’ve written yourselves out of that corner; let’s just move on from this mess please.

... "And suddenly everything went back to normal." 

[Deleted]

Hey guys. Two things I just wanted to let you know.

Firstly, I haven't been replying, but just so you know, I am reading your responses and appreciate all of them. So thank you, I'm not ignoring you.

Secondly, my father passed away today. While we are of course mourning the loss, overall it's hard not to see it as a good thing, because this last week was beyond horrendous to be honest. Anyway, due to this, I probably won't be around for a few weeks as I'm going to be spending the majority of my time with my mum and the rest of the family making arrangements. Best wishes to you all.

[Astral Vision]

I am so sorry for your loss, P3Nathan.

[Deleted]

Sorry to hear about your dad, P3Nathan.

[adzpower]

Wishing you well p3nathan, stay strong.

[West]

So sorry to hear about your loss P3Nathan. My heart goes out to you.

[Melinda Halliwell]

Yes I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your dad also.

[Esmeralda]

Nov 25, 2015 17:13:21 GMT -5 @p3nathan said:

Hey guys. Two things I just wanted to let you know.

Firstly, I haven't been replying, but just so you know, I am reading your responses and appreciate all of them. So thank you, I'm not ignoring you.

Secondly, my father passed away today. While we are of course mourning the loss, overall it's hard not to see it as a good thing, because this last week was beyond horrendous to be honest. Anyway, due to this, I probably won't be around for a few weeks as I'm going to be spending the majority of my time with my mum and the rest of the family making arrangements. Best wishes to you all.

So very sorry to hear that, P3Nathan. Although I'm very happy for your dad, I feel badly for you and your family, since having gone through the death of a parent myself, I know how much it hurts and how much you'll miss him - losing a grandparent is not the same as losing a parent. I thought so until I lost my mom. Huge, huge hugs to you and your family, especially your mom. I remember when Mom died, the only good part about it was the hugs - the rest of it all sucked.

Take all the time you need, but when you need the distraction, you'll know we're here waiting for more.

[sol]

I'm really sorry, be strong, a big hug

[Chrisaholic]

Sorry to hear that, P3Nathan. Lost my Dad four years ago, so take your time.

As for the all S8's episodes mentioned:

[Deleted]

Thank you for all your condolences everyone, I really appreciate it. We had the funeral this Monday and I'm feeling okay at the moment, though things have been very hectic.

I'll be online a bit more now and I'll have a couple of reviews up for you either this weekend or Monday

[Deleted]

I'll have a couple of reviews up for you either this weekend or Monday

I look forward to them.

[Chrisaholic]

So do I. Since I have more free time starting December 22.

[Deleted]

Billie the Spin-off Slayer: Season One, Episode One.
A.k.a- Kill Billie vol.1

It’s Halloween in Charmed world. This is the first Halloween episode since season 3. I’m sure this will be just as good as “All Halliwell’s Eve”… he said sarcastically with a grimace on his face.

We’re in the kitchen with Piper and Paige. Apparently Oprah has called wanting to do a special on lady spies and a producer wants to make a movie out of the sisters’ amazing and well thought out story! Oh for crying out loud, stop trying to make them celebrities, it’s just stupid!

With the media storm going on, Piper mentions Prue’s death. Again guys, reminding me of season 3 really isn’t doing you any favors.

Billie has been tracking a demon. So of course Piper and Paige b!tch at her again for doing the exact thing she promised to do! Frankly, it’s good of her to hold up her end of the deal at least; since the sisters have taught her squat so far!

Piper has turned some of the reporters into rats… because once again, magic is the best thing since sliced bread when it suits her. As with Phoebe and Spencer Ricks in season 6, there are no consequences to this whatsoever, not that that’s a surprise.

Piper then sends Leo back out to buy some more candy because he bought the wrong kind. I only mention this because A) She’s a cow and B) This is the stirring of more super fun marital drama.

Paige tries to tell Phoebe about everything that’s going on, but Phoebe only cares about Dex. I’d b!tch about that far more if it wasn’t Dex’s last episode, which it is. CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!! Lalalala.

One of the reporters stalking the sisters works at The Bay Mirror. Apparently one of his sources got killed when he was working on a story about the mafia. Paige plans on exploiting this in order to get rid of him. And I suppose getting rid of this one reporter will also get rid of all the other reporters, because… tomato.

Phoebe thinks she might be pregnant and she’s sad about that because Dex might not want to be with her anymore. Funny, I would’ve thought this was the ideal way it could work out for her.

We meet today’s demon. He wears a lame half-mask. I’ll call him Phantom. Billie sees him and starts having flashbacks. We see a shadow doing a Dracula-esque cape flare, a pumpkin and we hear a scream.

Dex’s place. Since last episode, they apparently got their marriage annulled as Dex had originally suggested. Dex is pretty polite and patient about all of this; far more so than Phoebe deserves; which is often the case with her men. However, Dex has had enough when the reporters show up at his door.



Phoebe whines at Piper about all of this. She oversimplifies the issue completely and makes it all about Dex not being able to accept the fact that she’s a witch. Couldn’t be that she’s a liar who didn’t give a fig about starting a marriage orchestrated by magic and deceit.

Phoebe: “I just don't understand why I can't be with a guy who accepts me for who I am.”

Oh I swear, I just... GAAAH! Phoebe, he had his stupid fainting spell, sure, but now he's had a bit of time, he really doesn’t seem too freaked out by the whole witch thing. Granted, that would perhaps require exhibiting emotion beyond his capabilities, but still, maybe that’s not the issue here!!!




Piper suggests that she write him a letter in Ask Phoebe. Ah, her wonderful column is the answer to all life’s problems.

Billie casts a spell on herself to erase painful memories. I’ll be needing that immediately after 8x22.

Billie goes after Phantom again, but as soon as she sees his claws, the flashbacks come back. Well that memory spell was useless!



Dex got Phoebe’s message (of course) and he apologises to her. Yes, HE apologises to HER. Never been so close to kicking my own TV. Phoebe feels oh so very sorry for herself. “Every time I fall for a guy, this seems to happen.” One guy, Phoebe. There was a grand total of one guy who left you after finding out you were a witch. ONE!
Sigh. Anyway, she reveals the wedding spell to Dex and blames Billie for it. Um yeah, she did cast it Phoebe, but you decided to go with it and continue the lie, so shut up.



Speaking of Billie, she tries the useless memory spell again.

Then we have some more malicious magic which is totally cool apparently. Paige terrorises the reporter by orbing into his room in the middle of the night, making herself look like the ghost of his dead informant, strapping him to the bed, gagging him and then screaming right in his face. One positive thing I will say about this horrible scene is that the ghost is very well done… in fact despite the minute budget, I might even say this was one of the best ghost effects they did.

Billie goes after Phantom yet again. She dodges an energy ball with a slow mo Matrix stunt then proceeds to pound him with potion after potion. It appears as if Phantom is vanquished, but he instantly reforms at Notwarts.

Paige’s plan hasn’t worked and has in fact made the reporter even worse. Y’know, I’m kinda routing for him if I’m honest.



Phoebe: Sometimes I just wonder if it wouldn't be better to just let the truth out. I mean why not? It couldn't get any worse.

It couldn’t get any worse??? Um, I know you pissed off during, but remember that time Piper was shot and Prue ended up dead you stupid little snot? Or how about that time you getting caught got Darryl put on death row? It’s obvious she’s only coming out with this crap because she’s pouting over Dex and that just makes me wish even more that she’d been thrown through that damn wall!




Leo comes in with a bloody face. Apparently a reporter shoved a camera in Wyatt’s face and Leo got in a fight with him. Piper has the nerve to get up on a high horse and this leads to more bickering between the two.

Elder Cheapus meets Paige up on the bridge and tells her to just act normal. A mammoth task for the twitchiest witch, if ever a twitchy witch there was.

Phoebe’s test was a false positive. Aww, baloney. I was so routing for her.

Paige gives the reporters a tour of the Manor. She takes them into the attic and she hasn’t hidden the giant freakin magic book in the middle of the room, so just stands in front of it. Good grief, you guys so deserve to be exposed.

Phantom attacks Billie at her dorm room, but Paige orbs her out. I’ve noticed that Billie doesn’t often use her telekinesis in a fight. I thought the same when she went after The DORE and Black<3; they were bashing her around and she just took it… send them flying already!

Now we get the full story of Christy. She was kidnapped by a demon... oh okay, not that long a story then. Phantom shimmers in and grabs Billie, taking her to Notwarts.
What happens next is particularly stupid, even by this show’s standards. Billie tells Phantom that she got him confused with someone else named “Aaaaah” and when Phantom says “Aaaah?” she throws the potion in his mouth. We’ve had some really stupid demons on this show, but damn! Oh by the way, Phantom’s actual name is The Dogan. Not just Dogan; THE Dogan. No idea what a Dogan is supposed to be, not that it really matters.


Okay, last bit of Phoebe and Dex. They reach the conclusion that it all just happened too fast. They agree to take it slow so that they can figure out how they feel about each other without the magic. Not sure why they’re saying any of this since they have no intention of having Dex return after this episode, but whatever. Pointless Phoebe filler relationship number 598, complete.

Baby Chris is dressed as a wizard. That’s cute.

Billie is sad about Christy.

Next up (in like half an hour or so)- Sam is back to rehash Paige’s daddy issues. But don’t think you’re only getting one rehashed plot, oh no… Piper and Leo are going back to couple’s counselling. Yippee.

[Deleted]

The Lost Point of this Show
A.k.a- The Lost Picture Show

Billie has spent all night furiously scrying for Christy, because since she remembered about it last episode, she’s been on a mission. This is distressing for Paige, as this has nothing to do with her or her sisters, so she insists that Billie avoid obsessing and ensures her that they will find Christy. Pfft, yeah, I’m sure you three will get right on that... Christy should be out in time for her 70th birthday if she’s lucky.

We meet some photographer guy who I’ll call Kodak. Not much to say about him; he has the standard amount of charisma that you’d expect from a season 8 demon- i.e: not much. He has a big photo collage with lots of people’s shocked and confused faces. Kodak zaps one of the faces out of the collage and attempts to kill him with a fireball. The twenty something; apparently called JD; escapes by doing some sort of BS knock out neck pinch.

Urgh, I hate the twangy instrumental piece they’ve used for the credits. Gotta love that skip button.

Piper and Leo are sniping at each other yet again. Oh joy.

Paige is going to try and get her social services job back, because she suddenly remembered it. Don’t get excited, we’re really just killing time with her until they introduce Henry.

Phoebe wants to adopt now and talks some more about her eggs and her sperm hunt. She’s over Dex then huh?




Paige: How did I wind up the only sane one here?

Honestly Paige? I think you only wound up that way because the writers don’t even care about you enough to assassinate your character.




After seeing Piper and Leo fight some more, Paige suggests that Leo consider marriage counselling again. Shut up Paige, just let them kill each other, do us all a favour!

Sam orbs in all “Sam? Don’t you mean dad?” Um dude, you met her once and she hasn’t seen you since... so yeah she means Sam and hey, maybe call first?

So we have all the old daddy issues rehashed, along with Sam demanding that Paige embrace being a whitelighter, which is pretty damn rich given his past. That’s a theme of this episode by the way, Paige is dead set against being a whitelighter again. Fine by me, she sucks at it.

Piper and Leo go to their magical marriage counsellor. Apparently he’s a soothsayer and a gardener. I didn’t know what a soothsayer was, so I looked it up and from what I read, it’s basically a variation of an oracle.

Sam is annoyed about getting stuck in traffic because Paige insisted on driving... because now she is apparently against orbing all of a sudden. Whatever.

Murphy helps Paige and Sam out. Kodak sneaks into JD’s room and is about to finish the job, but Murphy gets rid of him with some ineffective bullets.

JD is from 1955.

The soothsayer yacks on about flowers and sh!t. Piper walks away after getting a text, but not before the soothsayer can switch their bodies, so that they can walk a mile in each other’s shoes... again. They look at each other and let out an embarrassing “comedic” scream.

Phoebe is at the donor agency and has vetoed about 50 donors, because she doesn’t feel that they can give her the exact little girl she wants. The woman who I assume runs the agency has had it with her idiot ways and politely tells Phoebe to p!ss off with her self-involved a$$, so that she can help families who want children but for whatever reason can’t have them.

As much as I hate this body swap thing, I will say that Brian does a pretty good Piper impression. All he really needs to do is be as loud and obnoxious as possible, but still, he does it well.

JD does several “person from the past scared by modern appliances” clichés like we’ve seen far too many times on this show and he runs away.

Okay, so we find out the demon’s deal. JD’s dad has just died and that’s why Kodak had no use for JD anymore... because Kodak feeds on the pain of his victims’ nearest and dearest. I’m not sure why that requires the victims being kept alive, but whatever.

Sam gets snapped by Kodak.




Phoebe gives a pep talk to Piper and Leo.

Phoebe: You guys have forgotten how great you are together. Everybody wants what you have.

Pah! Speak for yourself Phoebe. I’d sooner date the Slime Demon from the hippy episode than be in that marriage!




Paige goes after Kodak. She’s all tough for a moment and pins him with a tripod, but then gets slapped down very easily.

JD wants to save Sam, so he runs head first into Kodak’s fireball. Well that was stupid.

Billie is upset about JD’s death, but Phoebe gives her the “everything happens for a reason” shtick. This doesn’t seem to be much comfort for Billie since she... well, she’s not Phoebe or Piper.

Urgh, this is so stupid. Paige calls out “dad” and that frees Sam and brings him to the attic... not only that, but it frees everyone else in the collage. Why? Who knows?

Kodak shows up all angry. He hurls a fireball, but Piper reflects it with her explosion power, because freezing it would’ve made too much sense.

Paige snaps Kodak and he goes bye bye. The vanquishes/defeats this season are really anticlimactic.

Sam and Paige meet on the bridge. They apologise to each other, issues resolved again, yada yada.

Billie sits at JD’s grave and we hear an orby sound implying that he is now a whitelighter... despite not saving or really helping a single person. But hey, who isn’t a whitelighter these days?



Next up- More sexism, more forced gender issues, more horrendous costume atrocities.

[Deleted]

Billie the Spin-off Slayer: Season One, Episode One.
A.k.a- Kill Billie vol.1

It’s Halloween in Charmed world. This is the first Halloween episode since season 3. I’m sure this will be just as good as “All Halliwell’s Eve”… he said sarcastically with a grimace on his face.

Dream on, my, friend.

We’re in the kitchen with Piper and Paige. Apparently Oprah has called wanting to do a special on lady spies and a producer wants to make a movie out of the sisters’ amazing and well thought out story! Oh for crying out loud, stop trying to make them celebrities, it’s just stupid!

Must have been a reallllllly slow news day.

Billie has been tracking a demon. So of course Piper and Paige b!tch at her again for doing the exact thing she promised to do! Frankly, it’s good of her to hold up her end of the deal at least; since the sisters have taught her squat so far!

How dare Billie try to track down demons.  She should be shopping and trolling for men, like her "mentors".

Piper has turned some of the reporters into rats… because once again, magic is the best thing since sliced bread when it suits her. As with Phoebe and Spencer Ricks in season 6, there are no consequences to this whatsoever, not that that’s a surprise.

Of course there are no consequences.  This is the later seasons Charmed Ones.  That rule went out the window when Connie Burge was ousted.

Paige tries to tell Phoebe about everything that’s going on, but Phoebe only cares about Dex. I’d b!tch about that far more if it wasn’t Dex’s last episode, which it is. CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!! Lalalala.P

And the people thus did rejoice.

Phoebe: “I just don't understand why I can't be with a guy who accepts me for who I am.”

Yeah, Phoebe, because it's all about you, right.

Sigh. Anyway, she reveals the wedding spell to Dex and blames Billie for it. Um yeah, she did cast it Phoebe, but you decided to go with it and continue the lie, so shut up.

Of course she won't take responsibility for anything.  She's PHOEBE!

Then we have some more malicious magic which is totally cool apparently. Paige terrorises the reporter by orbing into his room in the middle of the night, making herself look like the ghost of his dead informant, strapping him to the bed, gagging him and then screaming right in his face. One positive thing I will say about this horrible scene is that the ghost is very well done… in fact despite the minute budget, I might even say this was one of the best ghost effects they did.

I wonder how they scrounged the money for that affect.

It couldn’t get any worse??? Um, I know you pissed off during, but remember that time Piper was shot and Prue ended up dead you stupid little snot?

Prue?  Who dat?

Okay, last bit of Phoebe and Dex. They reach the conclusion that it all just happened too fast. They agree to take it slow so that they can figure out how they feel about each other without the magic. Not sure why they’re saying any of this since they have no intention of having Dex return after this episode, but whatever. Pointless Phoebe filler relationship number 598, complete.

Bye Dex, don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Billie has spent all night furiously scrying for Christy, because since she remembered about it last episode, she’s been on a mission. This is distressing for Paige, as this has nothing to do with her or her sisters, so she insists that Billie avoid obsessing and ensures her that they will find Christy. Pfft, yeah, I’m sure you three will get right on that... Christy should be out in time for her 70th birthday if she’s lucky.

Of course, Billie did most of the searching herself, when she realized that the sisters would never bother to involve themselves in a case that did not affect them.

We meet some photographer guy who I’ll call Kodak. Not much to say about him; he has the standard amount of charisma that you’d expect from a season 8 demon- i.e: not much.

Said demon was played by Will Snow, from The Lost World TV series (he played Lord Roxton).  Guess that Plateau is looking pretty good now, right.

Piper and Leo are sniping at each other yet again.

Can't have enough of that, can we.

Paige is going to try and get her social services job back, because she suddenly remembered it. Don’t get excited, we’re really just killing time with her until they introduce Henry.

I guess Paige found a cure for that memory wiping virus she's been suffering for the last three years.

Honestly Paige? I think you only wound up that way because the writers don’t even care about you enough to assassinate your character.

Which is saying something.

After seeing Piper and Leo fight some more, Paige suggests that Leo consider marriage counselling again. Shut up Paige, just let them kill each other, do us all a favour!

No such luck.

So we have all the old daddy issues rehashed, along with Sam demanding that Paige embrace being a whitelighter, which is pretty damn rich given his past. That’s a theme of this episode by the way, Paige is dead set against being a whitelighter again. Fine by me, she sucks at it.

Sam really has done a 180 degree turn here, hasn't he.

Sam is annoyed about getting stuck in traffic because Paige insisted on driving... because now she is apparently against orbing all of a sudden. Whatever.

Paige actually used a car to go somewhere.  Of course, only because the plot called for it.

The soothsayer yacks on about flowers and sh!t. Piper walks away after getting a text, but not before the soothsayer can switch their bodies, so that they can walk a mile in each other’s shoes... again. They look at each other and let out an embarrassing “comedic” scream.

No wonder many think this the season of rip-offs.

Phoebe is at the donor agency and has vetoed about 50 donors, because she doesn’t feel that they can give her the exact little girl she wants. The woman who I assume runs the agency has had it with her idiot ways and politely tells Phoebe to p!ss off with her self-involved a$$, so that she can help families who want children but for whatever reason can’t have them.

Of course, selfish Phoebe doesn't give a toss about that.

JD does several “person from the past scared by modern appliances” clichés like we’ve seen far too many times on this show and he runs away.

Jeez, the guy is from 1955, not the Middle Ages. 

I’d sooner date the Slime Demon from the hippy episode than be in that marriage!

In a few episodes, Piper is gonna lose her whipping boy.

Billie is upset about JD’s death, but Phoebe gives her the “everything happens for a reason” shtick. This doesn’t seem to be much comfort for Billie since she... well, she’s not Phoebe or Piper.

Yeah, Billie actually gives a damn that an Innocent was lost.

Urgh, this is so stupid. Paige calls out “dad” and that frees Sam and brings him to the attic... not only that, but it frees everyone else in the collage. Why? Who knows?

They really weren't even trying anymore, were they.

Paige snaps Kodak and he goes bye bye. The vanquishes/defeats this season are really anticlimactic.

Wonder what they did with the picture he was stuck in.  Hang it on a wall somewhere?

Sam and Paige meet on the bridge. They apologise to each other, issues resolved again, yada yada.

And this is the last we'll ever see of Sam.

Billie sits at JD’s grave and we hear an orby sound implying that he is now a whitelighter... despite not saving or really helping a single person. But hey, who isn’t a whitelighter these days?

And yet, Joanne, Zankou's victim, still doesn't make the cut.  Why?



Good to have these reviews back.

[Chrisaholic]

The only good thing in those two episodes is baby Chris dressed as a wizard but the rest: no comment! I hate S8, except the last two episodes, a bit!

[Deleted]

Kern is from Mars, Billie is from Venus
A.k.a- Battle of the Hexes


Before we begin tearing into the latest train wreck of an episode that season 8 has to offer, I'd like to wish everyone on the boards a very merry festive season and a happy new year.



Piper: I've been helping Homeland Security. That even sounds ridiculous to me.

Try watching it Piper. Just try freakin’ watching it!


Leo is going to play golf (yes, he plays golf now) with some guy called Smiddy. Smiddy supposedly has music connections, so Piper wants Leo to let Smiddy win in order to try and get a band out of him for P3… which is apparently struggling (again) despite the ridiculous number of people there last time we saw, taking pictures of our super famous “heroines”.

Paige is going to meet a new charge and hopes he’s cute, because despite professional beginning with the letter p, we couldn’t possibly label any of the sisters with it.

Murphy has called, he wants the sisters’ help. Naturally they b!tch about it, despite this being the first thing he’s asked of them, after holding up his end of the deal and then some.



Phoebe: You are not dumping this in my lap, missy. I am very busy too. I have dates, lots and lots of dates.

If not for the much better hair and clothing; I could be watching season 6 all over again. Just shows how much character development we get in these later seasons.



Piper: “Are you trying to get pregnant again?”

I enjoy that line, simply because Piper has the most mockingly wicked smirk on her face as she asks her desperate loser of a sister the question. See Piper, I’d forgive you for so much more if you’d just use that spiteful streak of yours to rip into your pathetic sister a little more often.


We meet today’s villain at Notwarts. Klea, from The Brotherhood of the Thorn, apparently grew tired of all her male teammates getting their a$$es killed. So she went solo to do some man hating. Okay so no, this isn’t really Klea… Jennifer Tung is playing a much stupider character for us this time round. Her name is Zira and she’s a sorceress working for the latest black-wearing demonic nobody. She’s sick of working for him and thinks women should rule; by which she means she should rule, of course.


Then we go to Billie’s college for a lecture on yin-yang and the battle of the sexes. What course is she taking again? Anyway, a disinterested Billie very rudely pops her gum at the professor and then goes into a “stupid men” rant. Billie, it seems, will be playing a sexist idiot for next 30 minutes or so to serve the plot. Oh also, she has a couple of belching tools sat in front of her in order to aid her generalisations. I just pity the professor stuck having to teach this bunch of a$$holes. Billie gets a call and walks out. Can’t imagine why we never see her graduation!


P3. Piper can’t get a band or whatever, because Smiddy is a sexist pig or something. Urgh, I’m already sick of this forced plot. Wasn’t that blasted Godiva episode enough? Oh wait, I’m forgetting- tis the season to be rehashed.
Anyway, Smiddy thinks that Piper is irrational. I know right? Who’d ever believe such a thing?


Paige is trying to help some kid named Speed, but Henry shows up and arrests him. Yay, Henry. Finally, something good out of this season.



Billie is helping Phoebe go through Murphy’s cold cases and items related to those cases. So this is the emergency she walked out of class for? Billie is still ranting.

Billie: I’ve just had one too many lame dates lately.

That definitely sounds like a Phoebe line. Makes me wonder if Kern had written this early; before the leads refused to wear any more costumes and then he just gave all the appropriate lines to the new, young star.



So, we know how this goes. Billie puts on a stupid looking belt and is transformed into Wonder Witch. The costume is more or less like what they had the sisters in for “Witches in Tights”, minus the mask. They’ve made her hair look awful. Apparently this costume originally included a cape, but Kaley refused to wear it. Billie walks down the street mortified and if she wasn’t being such a d!ck this episode, I’d feel sympathy for her. I do however feel sympathy for Kaley, who apparently burst into tears upon seeing what they were putting her in.



Phoebe: Piper takes the car, Paige orbs. Does anyone stop and think that Phoebe can't orb? No, of course not. Why? Because it's all about them.

It’s true Phoebe, some people are just so selfish. Selfish people are the worst. I hate people like that. Always me, me, me. Good job you're above such things! Also, why are you walking Billie down the street when you could have just called a taxi to pick you up at Homeland Security?



Zira’s apprentice learns of the belt, but he can’t pronounce Gaea. That’s what it is, The Golden Belt of Gaea. Not sure what the Greek goddess of earth needed a superhero making belt for, but whatever. They want to use Billie to fulfil Zira’s goal. Zira can’t wear the belt herself, because it’ll vanquish anything evil that tries to put it on.


Paige goes to see Henry just as Speed is released. Henry just seems to think Paige is weird. Hehe.


Urgh, Piper is screeching at Leo about what happened with Smiddy.


So, as well as making her act like an angry nut job, the belt gives Billie the following powers: Super speed, lightning bolts, sensing women in danger and turning men invisible. Don’t really get the point of that last one. I could understand taking their voices away or something like that, but if your goal is to annihilate all the men-folk, I’m not sure how making them invisible would do you any good. Anyway, Billie accidentally makes Leo invisible and we get some unfunny invisible stuff.


Billie speeds away to help a woman being terrorised by Zira’s boss and his minions in order to lure her. Billie vanquishes the minions, but only wounds his shoulder.


Billie turns up at college for her mid-term exam with only 20 minutes left. She calls her professor a pig for having the audacity to not give an A+ to someone who didn’t bother to show up and then the belt’s mojo kicks in and starts a riot between the men and women. Check out the extras in this riot scene, because some of the acting is truly hilarious. Zira takes Billie away from the madness.


Piper suddenly cares about men being wiped out when she realises she has two sons. Good catch there Columbo! She sends Leo to play some more golf.


Zira tells Billie her intentions. She just wants world peace… y’know, after she’s done with all the genocide.


Piper and Phoebe summon Billie and try to trap her with the crystal cage. Billie literally whales the cage away and exclaims that “there’s no wrath like a woman scorned” before speeding out. You’d think naming an episode after that saying; they’d be able to quote it correctly! Oh who am I kidding? No you wouldn’t.


Billie is starting to feel fatigued by the belt’s power after destroying all of Zira’s male superiors and her apprentice.


Leo is invisible and finds the “Get the Stupid Belt off the Teenage Witch” spell in one of the books. He tackles Billie to the ground. Paige orbs the book and recites the spell, freeing Billie. Paige then orbs the belt around Zira’s waist and the belt blows Zira up. Also the belt explodes with her, which seems kinda stupid, but at least they won’t be bringing it back I guess.


Paige’s charge Speed is exonerated and Henry frees him. Henry calls Paige to tell her and their love story begins. Aww.


P3. Piper, Phoebe and Billie all look very nice, I must say. Liz Phair sings us out with a rather pretty song while Billie checks out a guy at the bar. Aww, there’s hope for men yet.



Next up- A virus that causes terribly dubbed dialogue spreads across the magical community; but Phoebe’s self-involvement proves to be the true threat to everyone’s safety.