Post by noazmale on Nov 19, 2006 18:20:38 GMT -5
CHARMED
"THE CABLE GUY"
by J. B. Tilton
email: noazmale@isot.com
Rating: K
Disclaimer: “Charmed” and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.
* * *
Just a short nonsensical thing suggested by a friend as a joke. It’s a parody so please don’t be too critical.
* * *
Piper looked out the living room window and scanned up and down the street as Phoebe came bounding down the stairs.
“Still not here, yet?” asked Phoebe, looking at her watch.
“No,” said Piper, exasperated. “They said between nine and four.”
“Well,” said Phoebe, “it’s only three- forty-three. They still have seventeen minutes.”
“Very funny,” said Piper. “I don’t know why they can’t give you a specific time. Why do they make you wait around all day before they show up?”
“Can’t answer that,” said Phoebe. “I’m still trying to figure out why the cable company has to change distributors. What was wrong with the old ones?”
“I don’t know,” said Piper. “Something about changes in the law requiring them to make it more accessible for people to choose a different company or something.”
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Piper let out a thankful sigh and walked over and opened the door. Standing on the porch was a man about thirty wearing the uniform of the local cable company. He had the obligatory tool belt and was holding a clipboard in his hand.
“Halliwell?” he asked, chomping on a wad of gum in his mouth.
“Yes,” said Piper. “I’m glad you finally made it. I’ve been waiting all day.”
“Lots of calls to make,” said the man. “I’ll need to check your outlets. Then I’ll check the junction box outside. Then we’ll see what we have.”
“Will this take long?” asked Piper.
“It will take as long as it takes, lady,” said the man, still chomping his gum. “Can’t say until I take a look.”
“Okay,” said Piper. “Come on in.”
Piper told him which rooms had the cable outlets in them. Then she went into the kitchen to begin dinner. Phoebe sat on the sofa in the living room watching television while the man went through each room checking the outlets.
Then he went outside to check the junction box. He was outside nearly forty minutes before he came back inside. When he did, he was looking over the papers on his clipboard. He walked into the living room where Phoebe was watching television.
“Where’s the lady?” he asked.
“I’m her sister,” said Phoebe. “I can help you. What do you need?”
“Well,” said the man, “we got a lot of work to do here. Yer outlets are out of date and will have to be replaced. That junction box is older than I am. It’s gonna have to be replaced. The wires are showing signs of extreme wear. We’ll probably have to restring them.”
“Sounds like a lot of work,” said Phoebe.
Just then, Piper came into the living room. The cable guy told her the same thing he had told Phoebe.
“How long will all this take?” she asked, just a bit angry.
“Can’t say,” said the man. “Depends on how long it takes to string the wires. That could be kinda tricky.”
“Do you smell that?” asked Phoebe suddenly. “Smells like sulphur.”
“Yeah,” said the man. “Kind of an occupational hazard, you might say. I try to keep it down, but some times a bit of it sneaks through.”
That’s when Piper and Phoebe noticed the mans’ eyes were glowing slightly. As he spoke to them, they glowed brighter, then returned to their normal state. But even in their normal state, they glowed just slightly.
“Demon,” said Piper.
Phoebe moved over next to Piper, ready for a fight. The man continued to look over the papers on his clipboard.
“We’re start by ripping out the outlets in the house,” he said, as if he hadn’t heard Piper. “Then, we’ll pull the wires and try to restring them through the walls. But I gotta warn ya, a lot of time we have to rip out some of the walls to get the wires strung properly.”
“What do you want?” demanded Piper.
“Listen, lady,” said the man, “I know you don’t like any of this. But I’m telling you there ain’t no other way. We can’t use the equipment as it is. I’m surprised you’re still getting a signal with this stuff.”
“Leo,” called Piper into the air. “Leo, get down here.”
Leo orbed in almost immediately. As he was orbing in, Paige and Cole came in the front door.
“Hey, guys,” said Paige, seeing Piper and Phoebe standing in the entryway, “Look who I found coming up the walk.”
Just then, Leo finished orbing in. The five of them stood looking at the cable guy who was still looking over papers on his clipboard.
“He’s a demon posing as a cable man,” said Phoebe. “We don’t know what he wants. He keeps going on about wires and outlets and such.”
“Okay,” said the man, “like I told these ladies, we gotta rip everything out. It ain’t gonna last much longer. And we can use fiber optics instead of regular wires. Should give you better reception.”
“Oh my God,” said Cole. “Piper, Phoebe, tell me you didn’t invite this guy into the house.”
“Yeah, we did,” said Phoebe. “We thought he was the cable guy.”
“I am the cable guy,” said the man. “Listen, I need to get started here. This is gonna be a big job and the sooner we get started, the quicker it will be over.”
“Okay,” said Piper, “I’ve had enough of you.”
She raised her hands and used her explosion power on the demon. The power simply passed around the demon and exploded the inn table next to the sofa behind him.
“I hope that wasn’t too expensive,” said the man. “At any rate, I ain’t paying for it. Now, we need to get a little information from you for the work order.”
He snapped his fingers and a desk with a woman sitting behind it suddenly appeared in the living room. The woman was going over papers on the desk and to her left sat a stack of papers some two feet thick.
“Gotta total redo here,” said the man to the woman. “They seem like nice ladies. Let’s use the short form. No sense making this any more difficult than necessary.”
“Okay,” said the woman, grabbing the stack of papers to her left. “Now, who’s gonna fill out the paperwork?”
“Phoebe,” said Piper, “we’re going to need a Power of Three spell. Obviously my powers aren’t going to help. We’ll keep them busy while you write it.”
“That’s not going to happen,” said Cole. “Not even the Power of Three is going to help here.”
“Cole’s right,” said Leo. “These are like no other demons you’ve ever encountered. Nothing you do will help. All you can do is fill out the paperwork. The sooner you do, the quicker they’ll leave.”
“Now,” said the woman behind the desk, “first I need complete family histories. A complete list of everyone who lives in the house. What types of shows you usually watch, what you’d like to see, what you don’t like, how often you watch television, what channels you usually watch, do you want premium channels, pay per view, that sort of thing.
“Next, we’ll need a complete sexual history on each person in the house. We’ll also need to have complete job histories, beginning with the most recent job. We also need to have you list any periods of non-employment and the reasons for that non-employment. After that, we’ll get started on the medical histories.”
“You’re insane,” said Phoebe. “I’m not filling out all that paperwork. You’re demons. What kinds of demons fill out paperwork?”
“Bureaucracy demons,” said Cole. “They’re the most heinous kind. All they care about is their paperwork. No spell, no power, no potion affects them. And if you annoy them, they just get worse. All you can do is do what they ask so they’ll leave.”
“Now,” said the woman behind the desk, “we really need to get started on this paperwork. Who’s first?”
“No,” cried Piper, falling to the floor in tears.
She lay on the floor sobbing as the woman behind the desk kept asking who was going to start the paperwork.
The End
If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find more of my stories for a variety of shows and subjects at www.geocities.com/killeenmale/ . You can also post your stories if you like to write fan fiction.
"THE CABLE GUY"
by J. B. Tilton
email: noazmale@isot.com
Rating: K
Disclaimer: “Charmed” and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.
* * *
Just a short nonsensical thing suggested by a friend as a joke. It’s a parody so please don’t be too critical.
* * *
Piper looked out the living room window and scanned up and down the street as Phoebe came bounding down the stairs.
“Still not here, yet?” asked Phoebe, looking at her watch.
“No,” said Piper, exasperated. “They said between nine and four.”
“Well,” said Phoebe, “it’s only three- forty-three. They still have seventeen minutes.”
“Very funny,” said Piper. “I don’t know why they can’t give you a specific time. Why do they make you wait around all day before they show up?”
“Can’t answer that,” said Phoebe. “I’m still trying to figure out why the cable company has to change distributors. What was wrong with the old ones?”
“I don’t know,” said Piper. “Something about changes in the law requiring them to make it more accessible for people to choose a different company or something.”
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Piper let out a thankful sigh and walked over and opened the door. Standing on the porch was a man about thirty wearing the uniform of the local cable company. He had the obligatory tool belt and was holding a clipboard in his hand.
“Halliwell?” he asked, chomping on a wad of gum in his mouth.
“Yes,” said Piper. “I’m glad you finally made it. I’ve been waiting all day.”
“Lots of calls to make,” said the man. “I’ll need to check your outlets. Then I’ll check the junction box outside. Then we’ll see what we have.”
“Will this take long?” asked Piper.
“It will take as long as it takes, lady,” said the man, still chomping his gum. “Can’t say until I take a look.”
“Okay,” said Piper. “Come on in.”
Piper told him which rooms had the cable outlets in them. Then she went into the kitchen to begin dinner. Phoebe sat on the sofa in the living room watching television while the man went through each room checking the outlets.
Then he went outside to check the junction box. He was outside nearly forty minutes before he came back inside. When he did, he was looking over the papers on his clipboard. He walked into the living room where Phoebe was watching television.
“Where’s the lady?” he asked.
“I’m her sister,” said Phoebe. “I can help you. What do you need?”
“Well,” said the man, “we got a lot of work to do here. Yer outlets are out of date and will have to be replaced. That junction box is older than I am. It’s gonna have to be replaced. The wires are showing signs of extreme wear. We’ll probably have to restring them.”
“Sounds like a lot of work,” said Phoebe.
Just then, Piper came into the living room. The cable guy told her the same thing he had told Phoebe.
“How long will all this take?” she asked, just a bit angry.
“Can’t say,” said the man. “Depends on how long it takes to string the wires. That could be kinda tricky.”
“Do you smell that?” asked Phoebe suddenly. “Smells like sulphur.”
“Yeah,” said the man. “Kind of an occupational hazard, you might say. I try to keep it down, but some times a bit of it sneaks through.”
That’s when Piper and Phoebe noticed the mans’ eyes were glowing slightly. As he spoke to them, they glowed brighter, then returned to their normal state. But even in their normal state, they glowed just slightly.
“Demon,” said Piper.
Phoebe moved over next to Piper, ready for a fight. The man continued to look over the papers on his clipboard.
“We’re start by ripping out the outlets in the house,” he said, as if he hadn’t heard Piper. “Then, we’ll pull the wires and try to restring them through the walls. But I gotta warn ya, a lot of time we have to rip out some of the walls to get the wires strung properly.”
“What do you want?” demanded Piper.
“Listen, lady,” said the man, “I know you don’t like any of this. But I’m telling you there ain’t no other way. We can’t use the equipment as it is. I’m surprised you’re still getting a signal with this stuff.”
“Leo,” called Piper into the air. “Leo, get down here.”
Leo orbed in almost immediately. As he was orbing in, Paige and Cole came in the front door.
“Hey, guys,” said Paige, seeing Piper and Phoebe standing in the entryway, “Look who I found coming up the walk.”
Just then, Leo finished orbing in. The five of them stood looking at the cable guy who was still looking over papers on his clipboard.
“He’s a demon posing as a cable man,” said Phoebe. “We don’t know what he wants. He keeps going on about wires and outlets and such.”
“Okay,” said the man, “like I told these ladies, we gotta rip everything out. It ain’t gonna last much longer. And we can use fiber optics instead of regular wires. Should give you better reception.”
“Oh my God,” said Cole. “Piper, Phoebe, tell me you didn’t invite this guy into the house.”
“Yeah, we did,” said Phoebe. “We thought he was the cable guy.”
“I am the cable guy,” said the man. “Listen, I need to get started here. This is gonna be a big job and the sooner we get started, the quicker it will be over.”
“Okay,” said Piper, “I’ve had enough of you.”
She raised her hands and used her explosion power on the demon. The power simply passed around the demon and exploded the inn table next to the sofa behind him.
“I hope that wasn’t too expensive,” said the man. “At any rate, I ain’t paying for it. Now, we need to get a little information from you for the work order.”
He snapped his fingers and a desk with a woman sitting behind it suddenly appeared in the living room. The woman was going over papers on the desk and to her left sat a stack of papers some two feet thick.
“Gotta total redo here,” said the man to the woman. “They seem like nice ladies. Let’s use the short form. No sense making this any more difficult than necessary.”
“Okay,” said the woman, grabbing the stack of papers to her left. “Now, who’s gonna fill out the paperwork?”
“Phoebe,” said Piper, “we’re going to need a Power of Three spell. Obviously my powers aren’t going to help. We’ll keep them busy while you write it.”
“That’s not going to happen,” said Cole. “Not even the Power of Three is going to help here.”
“Cole’s right,” said Leo. “These are like no other demons you’ve ever encountered. Nothing you do will help. All you can do is fill out the paperwork. The sooner you do, the quicker they’ll leave.”
“Now,” said the woman behind the desk, “first I need complete family histories. A complete list of everyone who lives in the house. What types of shows you usually watch, what you’d like to see, what you don’t like, how often you watch television, what channels you usually watch, do you want premium channels, pay per view, that sort of thing.
“Next, we’ll need a complete sexual history on each person in the house. We’ll also need to have complete job histories, beginning with the most recent job. We also need to have you list any periods of non-employment and the reasons for that non-employment. After that, we’ll get started on the medical histories.”
“You’re insane,” said Phoebe. “I’m not filling out all that paperwork. You’re demons. What kinds of demons fill out paperwork?”
“Bureaucracy demons,” said Cole. “They’re the most heinous kind. All they care about is their paperwork. No spell, no power, no potion affects them. And if you annoy them, they just get worse. All you can do is do what they ask so they’ll leave.”
“Now,” said the woman behind the desk, “we really need to get started on this paperwork. Who’s first?”
“No,” cried Piper, falling to the floor in tears.
She lay on the floor sobbing as the woman behind the desk kept asking who was going to start the paperwork.
The End
If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find more of my stories for a variety of shows and subjects at www.geocities.com/killeenmale/ . You can also post your stories if you like to write fan fiction.