Charmed Lost?

[~:*Destiny*:~]

Charmed Lost?

By: Destiny or "Des"

Prue walked home really tired from work. Prue looked around the house and saw Piper in the kitchen making dinner. Prue rolled her eyes and thought,'Poor Piper. She has so much to deal with. I hope her and Leo are going to be ok after what happened."Prue didn't even want to think about what happened a few weeks ago with Leo. Prue layed down on the couch thinking.

Phoebe was in her room studying thinking,"Cole,how could he do this to me. He's been gone since that day."Phoebe coughed and sighed. Phoebe didn't want to think about it at all. Phoebe continued on with her studies.

Piper cooked her famous meal while sighing. Piper thought about all that has happened and started remembering the first day of that week it was a Sunday and she was being suspicious.

Sunday

Piper was baking cookies for Phoebe, Prue, and Leo. Piper saw Leo orb in quietly. Piper yelled,"Leo! Come here! Come taste this cookie!" Leo laughed. Leo says,"Yeah sure of course." Leo tasted the cookie. Leo gave her a tumbs up. Leo says,"It was very good." Piper says,"Aww thanks." Piper kisses Leo.

Prue walked in the room with the smell of cookies. Prue answered,"Mmmm cookies." Prue took a cookie and sat down eating it. She looked at Phoebe who was eating cookies while studying. Prue giggled. Prue says,"Phoebe did you go to sleep at all?" Phoebe answered,"Huh? No!" Phoebe says,"Finals are tommorow and I need to ace it." Phoebe yelled,"Bye!" Phoebe ran out of the house.

Prue says,"I got to get going to 415 magazine needs me to take pictures of famous models." Piper yelled,"Well good luck!" Prue answered,"Thanks." Prue walked out of the house. Piper looked at Leo who looked nervous. Piper asked,"Baby what's wrong?" Leo says,"I've done something bad." Piper asks,"What have you done?" Leo answers,"I helped Cole kill your witch you were suppose to save, you remember Leona?" Piper asks,"What!?" Piper drops a plate.

Wanna find out what Leo and Cole did? Comment to find out!

[pipercharmedphreak]

Oh! You've caught my attention with this one! I really wanna know what they did!

[Honey Halliwell <3]

Oh you got my attention too lol and thats a tough thing to do hehe

[~*Alicia*~]

Yeah, I am wondering what happens. Des got my attention as well, lol

[♥ Frozen Piper ♥]

that was really interesting! i want more

[*Sammi!*]

Leo helped Cole kill??!!

Need to know more please!

[~:*Destiny*:~]

Thank you soo much for all these comments! :]] That was really nice. Well here's the next update.
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Sunday(continued)

Piper looked at Leo and she sat down. Piper says,"How could you do this!? Prue and Phoebe are gonna freak!!" Leo says,"I know, I know. That's why I want you to keep it a secret!" Piper yelled,"Keep it a secret to my sisters!?" Leo says,"Just for a little while." Piper answered,"No. I can't Leo! I can't!" Piper sat down.

Phoebe was walking out feeling good about her studies because next week is her finals. Phoebe saw Cole walking up at her. Phoebe yelled,"Cole!?" Phoebe ran up to him. Phoee gave him a big kiss. Phoebe asked,"What's wrong?" Cole answered,"What? Oh nothing's wrong." Phoebe smilied and hugged him. Phoebe says,"I haven't seen you in a week where were you?"

Prue walks in the house from after work. Prue looks at Leo and Piper looks back. Prue thought,"Ugh oh what's going on?" Prue asked,"What's going on?" Piper says,"You can't tell Phoebe this yet but Leo helped Cole kill that innocent named, Leona, and don't tell Phoebe yet." Phoebe walked in and heard everything. Phoebe said,"Why didn't you tell me earlier." Phoebe sat down upset with Cole.

Cole shimmers in to tell them about another innocent being slashed named Leona. Phoebe yells,"The one we were suppose to protect! but you and Leo killed her!" Phoebe cried and went upstairs Piper followed her.

Prue says,"How could both of you!?" Prue asks,"Why did you need to kill her?" Cole answered,"She was trying to make a film about warlocks and demons. Kinda like that movie The Blair Witch Project. She went out in the woods with a bunch of friends and well got freaked out. So I needed to kill her and I needed Leo to orb her and bring her to me. So that way we can make sure no one finds out. So we throwed all the footage in a volcano."

Prue looked at both of them and said,"What warlock or demon was she looking for?" Cole answered,"Some old women named I don't know. But, it was out in the woods of Maryland and the same as that movie." Prue says,"I'm going to look for this warlock and get answers. Who's with me?" Cole and Leo raised their hands. Phoebe and Piper overheard and raised theirs. Prue says,"Ok we'll start tommorow!"

Wanna find out what happens in the woods? Will they find the warlock? Comment to find out.

[Esmeralda]

Decided to give this one a try, Des, and I really like what I've read thus far.

CHAPTER ONE:

Your "prologue" was beautifully done, showing everyone doing their own thing, but upset by what had happened. You really had me curious as to what exactly Cole had done.

And then, the rest of this chapter! Holy mackeral, did you catch my attention with that one! Right in the midst of all that normality, Prue and Phoebe leaves and Leo tells Piper WHAT??? Our pacifist whitelighter Leo helped Cole do WHAT?

Oh, man, do I have to run to read the next chapter! Great cliffie!!

CHAPTER TWO

I'm still a bit confused as to why they had to kill the girl; there's always another way. But I like the idea of mixing in the idea of Blair Witch (as long as it's NOTHING like "That Old Black Magic"--for as much as I love S2, I *hate* that eppi!) and am curious to see what happens next.

I have one main suggestion for you, and it's one I give to a lot of young writers...watch your tenses. You mix them up a lot and it's very distracting. Choose one, either past or present, and just write in that one.

[~:*Destiny*:~]

Thank you Es for your wonderful comments and suggestions. I do get mixed up with my tenses and I will make sure I use the right ones. It's like in That 70's Episode when Prue got confused with her tenses. haha. Lemme give you the update! ;D
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Monday

Prue woke up still wondering why Cole needed to kill that girl. Prue thought,"Did he need to kill that girl to make sure the world wouldn't find out about demons?"Prue got ready and packed up. Prue called 415 Magazine to let them know. Of course, they didn't like her skipping work for a day.

Phoebe was in her room changing she was really mad at Cole and Leo. Phoebe didn't like the idea of going into the woods. Phoebe just wanted to know more about why they wanted to kill that girl Leona. Phoebe knew she had finals coming up but today will be a study or class free day. Phoebe sighed and packed her books anyway.

Piper packed up. Piper hated that Leo helped Cole. That was such a shocker to her but he had to do what he had to do. Piper went downstairs and saw Phoebe whispering stuff to Cole. Piper says,"Ok so we orb to Maryland or what?" Prue answers,"Leo's going to orb us there." Piper says,"ok then."

Once they all get orbed to Maryland. Piper says,"Ok so where did you kill her?" Cole pointed and says,"Over by that lake." Prue sighed. Prue saw Leona's dead flayed body. Prue yelled,"ugh! yuck" Phoebe began to tear up. She hated when she had to see the dead bodies. Cole says,"The reason why we had to kill her was to keep evil from being known to the public." Phoebe answers,"Like that demon that killed one of my college friends."

Prue looked at the dead body. Prue saw something in the lake it looked like a witch filled with blood and guts glued on to her. Prue screamed. Prue yelled,"I saw saw the witch witch in the water!" Piper looked at the water and saw nothing. Piper answers,"nothing's there Prue." Prue yells,"But I saw her!"

Leo says,"She likes to trick her enemies." prue says,"Well she just did!" Cole says,"It's becoming night time." Prue asks,"Why so fast?" Cole answers,"The witch controls the weather in the woods. Weird I know." Piper says,"Where's Phoebe?" Cole yells,"Phoebe!?" Prue yells,"Phoebe!?" Leo looked around and yelled,"Phoebe!?"

Piper saw by the tree a note that says,"Phoebe's gone and being a good little girl by the way. Phoebe is my child now because you forgot all about her." Piper cried. Piper screams,"No!" Piper says,"I can't believe this!" Prue runs up to her and reads the note. Prue begins to cry too. They wanted to find Phoebe soon.

Wanna find out what happens to Phoebe? And where she is? Then comment to find out!

[pipercharmedphreak]

I really enjoyed both updates (this one plus the one I missed).

I'm still not exactly sure why Cole and Leo had to kill the girl, but like Es I really like the idea. I am still in total shock about the whole story. You are amazing at ending the update at a cliff hanger. It makes me want to read even more to figure out what happens.

My only suggestion is to try and vary your sentence beginnings a little more. For example in the seconde paragraph, every sentence began with 'Phoebe'. However, despite this I am still loving the story! I can't wait to read what happens and how they save Phoebe. PLEASE update soon.

[~*Alicia*~]

I totally agree with everyone. I love it!! I do have to say that as everyone I was not sure of why Cole and Leo had to kill the girl, but I do have to say that I was quite surprised to hear that. Hope you post soon.

[Esmeralda]

Jun 9, 2008 13:03:57 GMT -5 ~:*Destiny*:~ said:

Thank you Es for your wonderful comments and suggestions. I do get mixed up with my tenses and I will make sure I use the right ones. It's like in That 70's Episode when Prue got confused with her tenses. haha. Lemme give you the update!

Prue had an excuse....she was talking about time travel! Truly, if you watch your tenses (and this chapter was just about as bad), this fic would be SOOOO much more enjoyable to read!

Here's an example:

Cole pointed and says,"Over by that lake."

. "Pointed" is in the past tense; "says" is in the present tense. Since most of your fic is written in the past tense, you should've written

Cole pointed and said, "Over by that lake."

If you don't use any verbs that end in "S" and don't use the words "is" or "are" unless either are in quotes, you'll do just fine.

I hope you realize that the only reason that I'm making this suggestions (and they're just suggestions; the fic is yours to do with as you wish) is because I'm enjoying the fic so much and hate being distracted by picky things like this. (The fact that my best friend in school was an English teacher doesn't help any, so I'm probably more pickier than most.)

Just like the last chapter, you really ratched up the tension in this one and I'm dying to find out what happens next.

I smiled at Phoebe packing up her books so she'd get a chance to study and can't help wondering if somehow one of those books will later come in handy. I'm also wondering if Prue is going to take along her camera--it would make her feel less guilty about missing work.

OMIGOD!! How did that "witch witch" steal Phoebe!! And will they be able to get her back!! And, oh, do I love the idea of the "witch witch" being able to control the weather! That should make a lot of fun!

Only one part continues to bother me. You've done such a good job of writing the characters just like they are on TV except for this one thing.

Killing an innocent in order to not allow magic to be revealed is not a good enough reason to murder, Prue. You know better than that and if you were truly in character, you would never even *think* that--unlike your sisters, your morals are too high! Although you wouldn't know anything about it, that's as bad as stealing Darryl's soul without his permission, which is when I started hating your sisters and half-sister! You would've never allowed them to do that, Prue...you would've told them that there has to be another way; there always is, just like there should be in this fic. Unlike your sisters, *you* always remember that Wrong Things Done for the Right Reasons are Still Wrong, one of the many reasons why *you're* my favorite of the sisters! So for you to just accept this as OK is SOOO out of character!! It sounds like something Piper would think, not you.

And Leo would NEVER agree to help Cole to do such a thing! Not our angel!!

Naturally, if the girl wasn't truly an innocent but a demon, that's a totally different story, like what happened to the one who killed Phoebe's college friend, but as is, that whole idea of the sisters being back on the track of "Wrong Things Done for the Right Reasons are OK" gives me the shivers. You just KNOW it's going to bite them in the end!! It's GOT to!

The funny thing about it is that if you'd had this be about the SECOND set of Charmed Ones with PIPER as the leader rather than Prue, Des, I'd have no complaints at all!

Despite that, however, you've really got me worried about Phoebe *and* wondering how they'll end up getting "Lost". Please update soon!!

And for this update, you have been added to my "To-Be-Blessed" list.

[~:*Destiny*:~]

Wow! haha. Thank you gals for commenting my update. And Es, I am going to start fixing the tenses in this update and you will see why Leo helped Cole and why the sisters are acting so different about this. Also, Es, thank you for putting me on your To-Be-Blessed List. Lemme give you the next update!
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Monday (continued)

Prue cried and said,"What are we going to do?" Piper looked over at Prue and said,"I don't know." Prue walked over to Cole and slapped him. Prue yelled,"This is all your fault! You killed that innocent!" Piper walked up to Prue and grabbed her. Piper said,"It's ok. We'll find her." Prue pushed Piper away and said,"I can't believe you Leo! Why did you help this demon!? Especially Cole!" Prue continued to cry.

Leo said,"Because he threatened to hurt Piper and more innocents." Piper looked at Cole eyes wide. Piper punched Cole and yelled,"You think you can kill me!?" Cole said,"No! But in the future I do." Prue yelled,"What!?"

Cole looked at Prue who was about to throw a big rock using her mind. Cole said,"Listen. We are all going crazy here because of the witch! She wants to manipulate us! And once we're crazy she'll kill us or use us as her slaves!" Piper asked,"What about the future!?" Cole looked at Leo. Leo said,"In the future Cole was going to rule the Underworld with Phoebe and kill you Piper and Prue and our children."

Piper said,"This is so stupid!" Prue sat down and looked at the sky. It was snowing. Prue said,"Why is it snowing?" Cole said,"It looks like she's about to start her plan."

Wanna find out what's going to happen next with the witch? Comment to find out!

[Esmeralda]

First of all, *JUMPS UP AND DOWN AND CHEERS MADLY!* If I were an English teacher and grading you, you'd get an A+++ for tenses!! PERFECT!! Thank you *so* much for making the effort; it truly makes the fic *so* much easier to read! I hope that once you're finished and post this at ALTERNATE CHARMED that you'll fix the other tenses, too.

I hate to say it, but I also hope you skip this chapter when you do, or put it in a different spot, like before they spot the witch. For them to be talking about this right after Phoebe vanishes makes no sense whatsoever...you would think that they would be too worried about Phoebe to discuss why Cole and Leo are murderers, especially Leo. It also seems like this was just added for *my* sake, not for the fic's sake. And their reasons still aren't good enough--not for the original Power of Three. As I said before, there's got to be another way. If it was truly self-defense--if the girl tried to murder Piper and Leo stopped her-- that's one thing. But planning on murdering her because she hurts Piper in the future isn't. That is premeditated murder, which the Charmed Ones under Prue (and under Connie Burge) would definitely never have even considered or allowed--Wrong Things Done for the Right Reasons are Still Wrong), and most definitely not Leo before Chris banished him to Valhalla where he was taught him how to hate and how how to fight and how to murder.

I think that's still my main suggestion. You would truly do a lot better if you rewrote the fic with it starring the second set of Charmed Ones rather than the first, because then I wouldn't be complaining at all. That second set with Piper in the lead (and Brad Kern) believed that family came way before innocents and if someone wanted to hurt her family, then it's perfectly AOK for them to be murdered (think Billie & Christy). Chris taught them that Wrong Things Done For the Right Reasons are OK, which is why it was OK for him to murder the Valkyrie and for them to steal Darryl's soul without permission just to go save Leo (and one of the many reasons why I hate the little brat!). Prue would never even consider such a thing, and because she wouldn't, neither would Piper or Phoebe or Leo under her "reign" as head of the Charmed Ones. Cole, yes--he's half-demon--but not the others.

Or am I way off on this? What do you other readers think? If most of the others disagree with me, I'll back off this particular track.

Now let's not worry about why Leo did something he would never do and get back to finding out what happened to Phoebe... Although I wonder how Cole knows what the witch will do in the future (he's never time-traveled, unless he's still an avatar at this point, but then he'd only know what happens in alternate dimensions, not what will happen in the future of the real one), I love her using a snowstorm to try to distract the Charmed Ones.

Please update soon.