OMG....He's A Demon!

[power3or4]

Piper: Billie have you see my keys?

Billie: Downstairs on the table.

Piper: Thanks, Leo will you watch the boys while I'm gone?

Leo: Yeah go ahead honey I'm just gonna take the boys to the park.

(Piper and Leo kiss each other goodbye)

(The camera flashes to Phoebe at her job in front of the computer working on her column and the phone rings)

Phoebe: Hello, Phoebe Halliwell?

Billie: Hey it's me how long will it be before you get home?

Phoebe: Not to much longer why? Don't tell we have to fight a demon.

Billie: No I just wanted to know if you could bring home some powdered toad stool

Phoebe: For what?

Billie: I'm creating my own spell.

Phoebe: To do what?

Billie: Im trying my hand at finding a new way to scry just in case we can't use our usual methods.

Phoebe: Ok I'll bring some home.

Billie: Thanks.

Phoebe: Your welcome, bye.

Billie: Bye.

(Meanwhile Piper returns home)

Paige: Hey Piper

Piper: Hi Paige how long you been here?

Paige: Not to long I walked when Leo was leaving with the boys.

Piper: Ok you need anything right now?

Paige: No I'm just stopping by.

Piper: Ok if you need me I'll be in the shower.

Paige: Alright.

(Piper walks up the stairs and Paige walks into the conservatory and she hears someone say in a deep and evil voice)

Demon: HELLO WITCH!!!!

(Paige turns around and she screams)

Paige: PIPER? PIPER?

(The demon with the flick of his hand tosses Paige across the conservatory into a wall and disappears right before Piper comes downstairs)

Piper: What happened?

Paige: A demon tossed me across the room like a rag dog that's what happened!

Piper: Did you see what he looked like?

Paige: Yeah, it was something strange about that demon.

Piper: What was that?

Paige: He looked really.......

Piper: Spit it out, he looked really what?

Paige: Familiar

Piper: Familiar?

Paige: Yeah!

Piper: Come on we have to figure out who this demon is! We need to call Phoebe.

(Phoebe then walks in with Leo and the boys. Leo looks into the conservatory.)

Leo: What happened?

Piper: Paige was attacked!

Phoebe: Let me guess your on your way to the Book of Shadows?

Paige: Yeah.

Leo: Are you okay? Do you need healing?

Paige: Just my pride.

(The sisters all head upstairs with the boys while Leo turns to close the door and in walks Billie.)

Billie: Hey Leo.

Leo: Hi Billie.

Billie: Whats going on? Where is everyone going?

Leo: Book of Shadows Paige was attacked!

Billie: Really? I'm going to the attack.

(Leo and Billie go to meet the sisters in the attic where they have already started searching for the demon that attacked Paige.)

Paige: No, no, no, no, not him either.

Phoebe: He's not in the book at all?

Paige: No!

Piper: So how does he look familiar?

Paige: I don't know I've just remember seeing him before.

Phoebe: Well then we have a problem.

(Billie and Leo walk in)

Billie: What problem?

Piper: Billie when did you get here?

Billie: Leo just let me in. What's going on?

Phoebe: Paige was attacked and the demon is not in the book.

Billie: How did the demon look?

Paige: Perfect hair, cleft chin, great looking minus the fact he tried to kill me.

Piper: Perfect hair?

Phoebe: Cleft chin?

Paige: Yeah

Billie: Sounds like you got attacked by a model.

Paige: Not funny!

(Piper, Paige, Phoebe, Leo, and Billie all stand around the book when another demon shows up with a surprise for the sisters, Leo, and Billie. This demon had green eyes, razor teeth, and shart finger nails the size of kitchen knives with red and black skin.)

Demon: Hello witches, missed me?

(Piper tries to freeze the demon but he doesn't freeze. She then tries to blow him up and that doesn't work either. Paige tries to orb a chair into him and just looks and gives off an evil laugh. He then waves his right arm and sends Phoebe and Billie flying into the wall knocking them unconcious. He then uses his left hand to send Paige and Leo into into a table and shelf leaving Piper the only one left standing with the demon. Then the demon shapeshifited into its human form.)

(Piper stands in shock and disbelief as she sees the human form of the shapeshifter.)

Demon: Remember me witch?

Piper: OH MY GOD!!!!!! DAN???

Let me know if i should keep going!!!!! Tell me what you think about it so far!!!!!!

[~B@MeLiSsA30@B~]

It's a good idea. I was not expecting it to be Dan that is the demon. It's good, but I just have one advice for you that someone very wise told me when I did my first story on here.


Don't write it in a script. Make it an actual story. Here is an example of a story by the lady who gave me that advice. You don't need to add all that extra stuff she did in the beginning, but what she does when the story is actually going on.

thecharmedcafe.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=charmedonesfanfics&action=display&thread=5494&page=1

[Astral Echo]

There is nothing wrong with writing in script...as long as it's done properly. What you've written is a script without the technical "stuff", it's not like it's even a merger between script and prose (like CRR) but it's just lacking some things. It's a good start but from what I have read, it feels as if you would be happier writing in prose as Melissa suggested.

Scripts are written like this:

FADE IN:

INT. HALLIWELL MANOR - ATTIC

The attic is cluttered and untidy but serves it's purpose as a battle ground between good and evil. Stood around the infamous Book of Shadows are three sisters.

The first, PHOEBE HALLIWELL (30), is a beautiful, petite, brunette; the middle sister who has the ability to see into the past and the future.

In the centre is a motherly figure, who is dressed in comfortable clothing and has her hair tied back into a ponytail. This is mother of two, PIPER HALLIWELL (32).

Lastly, is PAIGE MATTHEWS (29), their half sister. Her skin, as pale as porcelain doll shimmers in the sunlight that bleeds through the stain glass windows all around them.

PAIGE
This is useless, I've already told you that he's not in the book!

PHOEBE
It's worth checking again, maybe you missed something.

PIPER
It's important to ID the demon, Paige. You know that, especially now Leo is human. What if next time none of us here, how is my family supposed to protect themselves!?

Paige sighs.

PAIGE
Alright, if it means that much to you, than we'll look again.

Beat.

PAIGE
But don't blame when we don't find anything!

Not a brilliant example but you get the idea. And as for prose, the best person to look at is Es. So follow the link that Melissa directed you to, it's defiantly a good example.

[Esmeralda]

Thank you, both of you.

A lot of first-time authors write their fics this way because that's the way that Shay Fitzgerald wrote out her transcripts for the scripts. That works fine if you're trying to remember what was said, but if you only read that and had never seen the show, it would be awful dull, which as an original work, this is. If you remember properly, Astral Sulu, it's the way you wrote your first ones yourself.

power3or4, this transcript version works perfectly as a rough draft--I often do my first versions this way myself. But you need much more--you should start by letting us know where it takes place, who is in that place and what they are doing before they start talking. Also, you need to let us know what the people are doing as they are talking besides letting us know what sort of emotions they are feeling as they speak. This is all stuff we know from the show because we've watched the show so it's not necessary for the transcripts but is very necessary for an original work like this.

But I do hope you decide to rewrite this either in prose form, which is much easier, particularly if you do it in past tense rather than present tense, or in a television-script form, the way that Astral Sulu showed you. (Although I find it funny that this isn't the method he and his fellow-writers use in their fantastic virtual series Charmed: Reality Reset.) You have a fantastic idea here and you have the characters down properly, both very important, but this form takes away the reader's enjoyment of the fic.

Best of luck!

[Astral Echo]

I do remember, Es. Not good times, bad times, very bad times. ;D I have learnt alot over the years and while your still a lot better than me, I feel I have progressed enough to make what I do write, readable.

As for CRR, the TV format lacks a lot of description and it's very constrained, you can't be particularly imaginative as alot of what you would see on screen, is difficult to write in script format. So a combination of the two makes it quicker and simpler to write and pleases both parties (prose & script). It's also a little easier to read in my opinion.

The other element is the time needed to write full script, it would be very difficult to churn out a script week in week out. The virtual series online are mostly completely written before one episode is even released but with CRR, we can write and release at the same time.

[Esmeralda]

You're absolutely right about that, Astral Sulu, which is why I wanted to be sure that our newer member knew that, no, he doesn't *have* to use the format that you showed if he wants to write in script. You made it sound like he did. Particularly for fan-written scripts, that's so unnecessary.

[Astral Echo]

As you said, it's unnecessary but as you also said, the way it's currently written makes the story a little dull. Which it isn't, Dan as a demon is an extremely interesting idea! But if it's not written well, it's not a desirable read.

I would prefer to see it written in prose but that's up to the writer.

[~B@MeLiSsA30@B~]

Yup, that is what I was getting at. That why I showed Esmeralda's Story. I said they didn't have to write exactly that way, bu to give them a better idea to make the story easier to follow, and to show emotion, and not just reading words. The story is for sure a good idea. I like the idea of Dan being a demon.


Of course, if they are basing it off the show. It will have to be after Dan got the blood test thing done by Piper to see if he was a demon or not. Or it can be this particular demon can bleed. That be interesting!

[Esmeralda]

Here's the difference, Melissa--that test was to see if they were warlocks. As we have seen from Cole and others, demons *can* bleed. And back in S2, there were only Demons of --- whatever, not just plain, ordinary, dull demons like we got in S3 onward. I'm asssuming this Dan is one of them.

I saw a similar story once where it was Greg the fireman who was the demon and Chris was actually *his* son--half-demon-firefighter, not half-whitelighter. That was fun, but with a little bit of editing, this one could be much, much better.

[~B@MeLiSsA30@B~]

I thought Cole only bled because he was half-human. Well, I don't really know about the small details like that as I only watch some episodes every now and than. It's quite interesting what u said though about Greg.