Not Exactly Evil

[noazmale]

CHARMED
“Not Exactly Evil”
By J. B. Tilton (a.k.a. NoAzMale) and Teresa Thibeault (a.k.a. Tessalynne)
Emails: [e-mail] [e-mail]
Rating: K

Disclaimer: “Charmed” and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

* * *
Summary: A mysterious intruder gives the Charmed One’s a whole new perspective on evil.

* * *

ONE

Phoebe slid down into the tub and closed her eyes with a sigh of contentment. The warm water surrounded her, a soothing balm to her aching muscles. It had been a long day. But it was finally over and she fully intended to enjoy a quiet, relaxing evening alone. She hadn’t decided whether to read the new book she had bought or to watch the video she had rented earlier that day.

Suddenly a sound caught her attention. Her eyes snapped open and she saw someone beginning to shimmer into the bathroom. Demons frequently shimmered into the manor but she had never known one to shimmer into the bathroom before. She might have thought it was Cole except for the simple fact that whomever it was seemed to be shimmering in on top of the sink.

“Good Lord, not even a hot bath is sacred anymore,” Phoebe grumbled.

The figure materialized before Phoebe could react further. The fragile sink, collapsing almost immediately under its weight, fell to the floor shattering into several pieces. The figure collapsed amid the debris on the floor. Phoebe screamed for Piper and Paige, grabbing for the towel next to the tub. The figure, which appeared to be male, didn’t seem to notice her as he flailed about trying to regain his footing.

“The bathroom?” he mumbled as he managed to rise from the floor. “How did I ….?”

Suddenly the figure seemed to realize he wasn’t alone. He glanced up and saw Phoebe standing there, a towel wrapped around her, dripping water all over the floor.

“Oh my,” he cried, clapping both hands over his eyes. Phoebe watched in stunned disbelief as he parted his fingers slightly to peek at her and then quickly closed his fingers covering his eyes completely. “I-I-I is dweadfuwwy sowwry. I had no idea anyone was in here.”

Phoebe stared in stark amazement as the figure turned and literally ran from the room. Unfortunately he had no way of seeing where he was going. With his hands over his eyes he had no way of knowing the bathroom door was closed and ran head first into the door, knocking himself out cold. Phoebe watched as he crumpled to the floor.

* * *

“You think it’s dangerous?” Paige asked as everyone stood staring at the rather odd looking unconscious figure on the floor.

The 5’8” frame was draped in a ghastly leisure suit that appeared to be burnt orange in color, though this was difficult to determine with any certainty through the fine coat of porcelain dust that covered the figure. The color clashed mightily with his red tinged skin. Though this conflict paled in comparison to the one created by the brilliant purple shirt that stretched tightly across a paunchy mid section. Black framed glasses with heavy lenses hung crookedly from his ears, one of which appeared completely normal, while the other was sharply pointed. His hands lay slack upon the floor and though human in most respects they sported clearly demonic-like claws.

“What is it?” Piper exclaimed.

“I think it’s a demon,” Leo began uncertainly, “But it doesn’t look like any demon I’ve ever heard of.”

“It’s almost like it’s only partially transformed,” said Phoebe. “As if it started to change to its demonic form but never quite finished.

“And you said it knocked itself out?” asked Piper.

“Ran right into the door,” said Phoebe. “It acted like it was embarrassed when it saw me wrapped in a towel.”

“An embarrassed demon?” questioned Paige. “That’s a new one. What do we do with it?”

“Cole should be home in a few minutes,” said Phoebe. “Maybe he’ll know what it is.”

A low moan brought their conversation to a halt as the figure stirred and opened its eyes. A hand to its head nursed the bump caused by its collision with the door and further mussed the wispy hair covering its scalp. Sitting up and adjusting the crooked spectacles with a squint, it gazed somewhat sheepishly at the four figures gathered around it.

“Oops.”

“Oops?” questioned Piper, tapping her foot impatiently. “Is that all you have to say for yourself? Just who are you anyway?”

“Who me?” the creature asked. “Oh, I’m nobody. I, uh, er, that is, I seem to have made a wong turn somewhere. Dweadfully sowwy. I’ll just be going now.”

He closed his eyes and squinted very hard. He started to shimmer but the shimmer was abruptly cut short. He opened his eyes and looked nervously at the girls and Leo.

“Oh deaw,” he exclaimed.

“It appears you aren’t going anywhere,” said Paige.

“Stand back,” said the figure, raising his hands menacingly. “I am the gweat Maladwoit, tewwible scourge of the underworld. My power is legendawy. You cannot hope to stand against me. Do not oppose me and I may yet let you live.”

“Maladwoit?” questioned Phoebe. “You sound more like Elmer Fudd to me.”

“Oh, no, not Elmer, Elbert,” said the figure. “Elbert Egbert Klinehopper IV, Esquire, at your service,” he announced proudly before remembering where he was. “Stand back. I am not to be twifled with. Do not force me to vanquish you.”

“I don’t think you’re going to be vanquishing anyone,” Piper shook her head at the ridiculous looking creature before them. “Let’s all go downstairs and see if we can sort this out. Leo, under the circumstances, you think you could do something about the sink?”

“I guess so,” said Leo. “Good thing the pipes weren’t damaged. That will make it easier.”

He raised his hands and the sink magically reassembled itself.

“White Lighter!” Elbert exclaimed his voice squeaking with fear. “You’re a White Lighter? Oh no! No, no, no. Not a White Lighter. We’re all going to die! We’re all doomed. You’ll never get me, White Lighter!”

They all stood mystified and watched as he turned and ran at full speed into the shower away from Leo. And once more their mystery guest crumpled unconscious as he collided with the back wall of the shower.

[noazmale]

TWO

The demon opened his eyes cautiously and looked around. He was lying on the sofa in the living room. Everyone was gathered around watching him. He had reverted to a fully human form without any hint of his demonic heritage.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” said Piper. “Now you can answer a few questions.”

The demon was on his feet in an instant. He eyed Leo suspiciously and raised his hands in a defensive manner.

“Stand back. You got the dwop on me once but that won’t happen again. I am the gweat and powerfuw….”

“Yeah, Maladwoit, you said that all ready,” said Paige. “Since when is such a powerful demon afraid of a White Lighter?”

“Oh, uh, I was startled, that’s all,” said the demon. “Suwwender now or I shall be forced to vanquish all of you.”

“You aren’t going to vanquish anyone,” said Piper. “I don’t know who or what you are but it’s quite clear you’re in over your head. Why don’t you just calm down and tell us why you’re here?”

“I am the tewwible scouwge of the underworld come to spwead my evil to all mankind.”

“You’re not much of a scourge,” said Phoebe. “What kind of a name is Maladwoit anyway?”

“Not Maladwoit, Maladwoit,” said the demon. “Maladwoit, with an aw.”

“An aw”? Piper questioned.

“An aw,” repeated the demon. “Maladwoit with an aw.”

“I think he means R,” said Leo.

“Yes, an aw,” said the demon.

“So, you’re name is Maladroit?” questioned Paige.

“Exactly,” said the demon.

“Doesn’t Maladroit mean clumsy?” asked Paige.

“Do not be fooled by the human definitions of your words,” said the demon. “I am the scouwge of….”

“Oh, stop saying that,” said Piper in annoyance. “You don’t even seem to be a threat let alone a scourge.”

“You mock me,” said the demon, forming a fireball. “Now I shall have to…. Oh… Ow, ow, ow!”

He jerked his hand back blowing on it as the fireball burned him. The fireball fell to the floor and rolled across the room setting fire to the drapes. Piper reached up and froze the fire.

“Hey watch it!” she shrieked. “Some scourge. You can’t even control your own fireballs. Leo, would you get some water and put that out, please?”

“You fwoze it,” said the demon in astonishment.

“That’s what I do,” said Piper. “I also blow things up. Like body parts. Now if you don’t settle down and start answering some questions I might just blow you up.”

“Well, that’s just not possible,” said the demon. “The way I hear it the only ones who can do that are the Charmed Ones.”

“Just where do you think you are, Disneyland?” asked Phoebe.

“But I was told,” started the demon. “I mean, he just said to get…. he didn’t say anything about…. Oh dear. There seems to have been a dweadful mistake. I’m sowwy. I’ll just be going now. No harm no foul, as you humans say.”

As he was talking he was slowly edging his way toward the front door. Piper simply stepped over blocking his exit.

“Not so fast,” she said. “What do you mean ‘he said to get’? He who and what were you sent to get?”

“He who?” repeated the demon. “Who he? I didn’t say he. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb with us,” said Piper.

“I’m not playing,” said the demon.

“You just said ‘he said to get’,” said Phoebe. “Then you said ‘he didn’t say anything about’. Now, unless you want things to start getting nasty I suggest you start talking.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said the demon. “You must be heawing things.”

“Paige,” said Piper, “go check the Book of Shadows. Maybe our friend here is in there. It might also have a vanquishing potion for him in there. Maybe that will loosen his tongue.”

“Uh oh,” said the demon as Paige headed for the attic. “Look, there’s been a bit of a mistake. I obviously have the wong place. I’m not saying I was sent by anyone but I obviously misunderstood where he sent me. What say we just mawk this up to expewiance and fowget the whole thing? What do you say?”

“Not likely,” said Leo.

“I want some answers, bub, and my patience is wearing very thin,” said Piper. “Especially since you just burned up my new drapes.”

“Not bub, Elbert,” said the demon in frustration. “Elbert Egbert Klinehopper IV, Esquire. How many times do I have to tell you?”

Just then they heard they heard the front door open and then close.

“Phoebe?” Cole called out, “I’m home. Is everything okay? What happened to Piper’s drapes? From the outside they look like someone took a flamethrower to them. I’ll bet she’s fit to be tied. Was there a demon attack while I….?”

His voice trailed off as he stepped into the living room and saw the demon sitting on the sofa. A look of near shock crossed Cole’s face as he stared at the demon.

“Elbert?” Cole breathed the stunned question.

“Pudge!” the demon cried out gleefully.

The confusion in the room grew as the others glanced between Cole and their odd visitor.

[noazmale]

THREE

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here,” said the demon. “Can you please tell these lovely ladies there’s been a mistake here?”

“Pudge?” Paige questioned as she came down the stairs.

“You know him?” Piper raised an eyebrow in Cole’s direction.

“We’ve met,” said Cole, a sound of resignation in his voice.

“Sure, Cousin Pudge knows me,” said the demon. “He’s my bestest friend in the whole underworld.”

Four heads spun to look in Cole’s direction.

“Cousin Pudge? You’re related to him?” Phoebe’s voice raised a notch with the last question.

“Only by marriage,” Cole explained nervously. “And Elbert I’ve asked you not to call me Pudge.”

“Pudge? He calls you Pudge?” questioned Paige. “What’s that all about?”

“Nothing,” said Cole nervously, “nothing at all.”

“Oh that’s not true,” said Elbert. “Pudge was always big for his age. I have some pictures here somewhere.”

Elbert reached into his pocket, fumbled around and finally pulled out some very old snapshots. Like a child showing off Christmas presents he passed the snapshots around. The pictures showed a young boy of about twelve. The boy was wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with the ribbon dangling from the hat. His hair was so curly he looked more like Shirley Temple. He was also the most rotund little boy any of them had ever seen. The makeup the boy was wearing actually accentuated the boys’ blue eyes. Blue eyes that were the exact shade as Cole’s eyes.

“Is that you?” Piper gasped at Cole, unable to stifle a laugh as everyone else also began to chuckle.

“Elbert,” Cole nearly shouted as he quickly snatched the pictures out of everyone’s hand, “I thought you destroyed these?”

“No, you asked me to get rid of them,” said Elbert. “So I hid them in my coat.”

“Oh, Cole,” Phoebe teased in her baby voice and pinched Cole’s cheek, “you were such an adorable little boy.”

“That’s not funny,” Cole snapped. “Elbert what are you doing here?”

“That’s what we’ve been trying to find out,” said Leo. “He apparently shimmered in while Phoebe was taking a bath.”

“While she was taking a bath?” Cole snapped at Elbert. “Elbert, how many times have I told you to make sure where you’re shimmering to?”

“How was I to know she was in there?” Elbert asked. “Besides, I didn’t see anything. Well, not much anyway.”

“Hold on,” said Paige. “Back up a second. You said you were related to him by marriage?”

“Oh yes,” said Elbert. “My mom and Pudge’s mom are sisters.”

“Elbert, you call me Pudge one more time and I’m going to bring Belthazor out to play.”

“Oh no, not him,” said Elbert, fear in his voice. “I don’t want to play with him. I’ll be good. How do you feel about Slim?”

“Just call me Cole. That is my name.

“You don’t like Belthazor?” Phoebe asked.

“He’s not very nice,” Elbert said quietly with a sidelong glance in Cole’s direction.

“So he’s afraid of Belthazor and White Lighters?” asked Piper.

“He always has been,” said Cole. “He’s always had a phobia about White Lighters.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” said Paige. “White Lighters are pacifists. Besides they don’t have any offensive powers.”

“Well, phobias by definition are irrational fears,” said Phoebe.

“That still doesn’t explain what he’s doing here,” said Piper. “He mentioned something about someone sending him to get something but he won’t say what.”

“That’s hard to believe,” said Cole. “Has he pulled his ‘scourge of the underworld’ routine bit yet?”

“You mean Maladroit?” asked Paige. “Yeah, he did that a couple of times. But that doesn’t make sense either. Maladroit means clumsy.”

“It was a joke,” said Cole. “Elbert was never given a demonic name and an upper level demon once called him a maladroit. Only Elbert could be so impressed with it to call himself that.”

“But it has a ring to it,” protested Elbert. “Maladroit, scourge of the underworld. Sounds real impressive to me.”

“Elbert, it’s an insult,” said Cole. “I’ve told you that a hundred times. Anyway, he was born during an eclipse on a full moon at midnight on Friday the 13th. Now, any other demon would have been extremely powerful because of that. For some reason it had the opposite affect on Elbert. But it also means no demon will hire him.”

“That’s not true,” protested Elbert. “Tazak recognized my true potential.”

“Tazak?” questioned Paige.

“Oops,” said Elbert. “I didn’t say that. Forget I said that.”

“Who is Tazak?” Phoebe asked.

“A very powerful demon,” Cole said. “And if Tazak sent him that probably means he’s after the Book of Shadows.”

“But evil can’t touch the Book of Shadows,” said Leo. “How did he expect Elbert to get it?”

“Because Elbert isn’t exactly evil,” said Cole. “At least not on purpose anyway.”

“I try,” said Elbert.

“Okay,” said Piper. “Other than the obvious reasons, why would this Tazak be so interested in the Book of Shadows?”

“Tazak collects artifacts for the underworld,” said Cole nervously. “The Book of Shadows would just be another acquisition for him.”

“Yeah, he thought it would be a good way to impress Uncle Elbert,” said Elbert.

“Uncle Elbert?” Phoebe questioned. “There’s another demon named Elbert?”

“I told you I was Elbert Egbert Klinehopper IV, Esquire,” said Elbert. “I was named after uncle Elbert. Elbert Egbert Klinehopper III.”

“Elbert, you’re not an esquire,” said Cole. “Esquire refers to lawyers and you’re not a lawyer.”

“I could be,” said Elbert. “Sort of.”

“So this Tazak wants to impress your uncle,” said Piper. “Your uncle must be pretty high up in the demonic hierarchy.”

“Oh, you could say that,” said Cole.

“He is,” said Elbert. “Everyone looks up to him and admires him. He’s really important in the underworld.”

“Well, if he’s so important why isn’t he in the Book of Shadows?” Paige asked.

“Really?” questioned Elbert. “That doesn’t make any sense. Maybe you just missed him.”

“I didn’t miss him,” said Paige. “I just looked through the Book of Shadows looking for you and there wasn’t any demon in it named Elbert. I know I would have noticed a demon by that name.”

“I just don’t understand it,” said Elbert. “You’d think someone like Uncle Source would be in there.”

[noazmale]

FOUR

“Elbert, he’s told you not to call him that,” Cole said with exasperation.

“Wait a minute,” Piper sputtered. “Uncle Source? As in the Source of all Evil? Are you telling us that you’re the nephew of the Source?”

“Yep,” said Elbert, grinning from ear to ear.

“And the Source is named Elbert, too?” questioned Paige.

“Elbert Egbert Klinehopper III, just as I told you,” said Elbert.

“Now you know why he simply goes by the Source,” said Cole.

“So,” said Phoebe, to Cole, “if Elbert is your cousin, and his uncle is the Source, that means you’re related to the Source?”

“Only distantly,” Cole hedged. “Like a great many other demons. The Source’s demonic name is unpronounceable by the human tongue. His brother married my mother’s sister. When his brother was vanquished about seven hundred years ago, the Source inherited all of his brother’s property and possessions, which includes Elbert and his mother.”

“Let me get this straight,” said Piper, obviously struggling for calm. “We’re playing host to a demon who was sent by another demon to get the Book of Shadows. And the demon we have here is a blood relative to the Source of all Evil, our arch nemesis who will do whatever he can to destroy us?”

“Well, when you put it that way it doesn’t sound very nice,” said Elbert.

“And just how would you put it?” asked Paige.

“A series of unfortunate coincidences?” offered Elbert.

“Look, it’s not as bad as it sounds,” said Cole.

“Oh really?” asked Phoebe. “You’re related to our worst enemy and you’ve neglected to share that little fact. Care to explain that one now?”

“And just how wold you have reacted if I had told you?” Cole asked. “Prue especially never trusted me. Can you imagine how she – or you – would have reacted knowing that not only was I sent to kill you, but the demon who sent me was a blood relative?”

“He’s got a point,” Leo said. “I never told you who I was when I first came here.”

“You had good reason,” said Phoebe. “And you eventually did tell us.”

“Only because you discovered who I was,” said Leo. “Not unlike Cole’s situation.”

“Whose side are you on?” demanded Piper.

“Yours of course,” said Leo. “But speaking from personal experience I can understand about Cole keeping that little secret. It kind of goes with the territory,”

“Besides,” said Cole, “I’m now under a sentence of death from the Source. Not exactly a close knit family.”

“Well, we’d better do something,” said Paige. “When Elbert doesn’t return with the Book of Shadows Tazak will probably send someone else for it.”

“That won’t happen right away,” said Cole. “He’ll wait for a while for Elbert to return before he does something.”

“Paige is right,” said Piper. “We need to formulate a game plan for that event.”

“While you do that,” said Elbert, “do you have a notepad and a pen I could borrow?”

“Why?” Phoebe asked. “Want to make out your last will and testament?”

“Oh no,” said Elbert. “I have this great idea for my next book.”

“Book?” questioned Paige. “You want to write a book?”

“Sure,” said Elbert. “I’m going to call it ‘Love’s Tender Fury’. Kind of a catchy title, don’t you think?”

“’Love’s Tender Fury’?” questioned Paige. “That sounds like a romance novel.”

“Yeah,” said Elbert. “I’m just not sure whether to make it a Temptation or a Blaze story?”

“You want to write a romance novel?” questioned Phoebe. “I’m not sure one of those written by a demon would be any good.”

“Well the others were pretty good,” said Elbert. “At least that’s what my publisher says.”

“Others?” Leo asked.

“Guys, let’s focus,” said Cole. “We have Tazak to contend with, remember?”

“You said yourself we have some time,” said Phoebe. “I, for one, want to hear about these ‘other books’ Elbert mentioned.”

“I really don’t think we have time for this,” said Cole.

“It shouldn’t take long,” said Paige. “Elbert, what about these other books?”

“Okay, let’s see,” said Elbert. “There was ‘Love And Honor’, ‘Love Out Of Season’, ‘Passions Playground’, and ‘Lucky In Love’ just to name a few. They were the last four I had published.”

“Wait a minute,” said Paige. “I’ve read those books. Two women, not a demon, wrote them. And they’re the best selling authors for those types of books.”

“I write under the pen name Elie Hopper,” said Elbert. “My publisher suggested it since most of those books are written by women. He thought it would be better that way.”

“You’re Elie Hopper?” Paige asked in astonishment.

“Sure,” said Elbert. “Everyone needs a hobby.”

“Now I’ve heard everything,” said Phoebe. “A demon that writes romance novels.”

“Oh, my new idea is going to be great,” said Elbert. “It’s about three sisters. One is married to a doctor. One is involved with a man from the wrong side of town. And the third is still looking for Mr. Right. It’s all about their quest for love and happiness. And all the problems they have to overcome.”

“You want to use the girls as the basis for your next book?” questioned Leo.

“Why not?” Elbert asked. “I’ve done it before. Of course my partner is really good at adding in the real steamy scenes.”

“That’s right,” said Paige. “There are two of you writing those books. The other one is Colina Benjamin.”

“Yeppers,” said Elbert. “So, what do you say Pudge? Want to resurrect the old pseudonym for another of our best sellers?”

“Oh my God,” groaned Cole in embarrassment.

[noazmale]

FIVE

“Cole?” Paige managed to choke out. “You’re Colina Benjamin?”

“Elbert, I’m going to kill you,” said Cole in exasperation. “You swore you would never tell anyone about that.”

“Oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I,” said Elbert blithely. “Forget I said anything.”

“Cole Turner,” said Phoebe, “you’re a romance novelist?”

“Look,” said Cole, “it was a long time ago and we didn’t exactly co-write it together. I just sort of reworked it some because Elbert is dyslexic.”

“A dyslexic demon?” Leo asked.

“Don’t forget color blind,” said Elbert.

“Well, well,” said Piper. “It seems there’s more to Cole Turner than even we suspected.”

“Elbert,” said Cole, “did you forget our little deal? You were never supposed to tell anyone about Colina. Belthazor is not going to be a happy camper.”

“Oops,” said Elbert. “Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything, okay? What do you say?”

“Can’t unring that bell,” snickered Phoebe.

“Bell?” questioned Elbert. “I didn’t hear any bell. What bell?”

“It’s just a figure of speech,” Leo said with a wide grin. “But, as interesting as these little tidbits are, Cole is right about one thing. You still have Tazak to contend with. When he finds out that Elbert failed in getting the Book of Shadows he’ll probably hire someone else to come get it if he wants it that badly.”

“Leo has a point,” said Piper. “If he wants it that badly I doubt he’ll give up on it easily.”

“Then we’d better prepare for it,” said Paige. “I say we find this Tazak and vanquish his sorry butt before he has a chance to hire someone else.”

“Oh, that’s not a good idea,” said Elbert. “He’s very powerful and important. Nearly as important as Uncle Source, er, that is, Uncle Elbert.”

“Just call him the Source,” said Cole.

“He’s a demon,” said Paige. “We vanquish demons. It’s what we do.”

“Elbert’s right,” said Cole. “Tazak is not going to be easy to vanquish.”

“Well,” said Phoebe, “we do have an advantage. You and Elbert can tell us everything you know about him. And if he’s that important I’m sure he’s in the Book of Shadows. There might even be a vanquishing potion or spell for him.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” Cole muttered.

“It can’t hurt to look him up,” said Paige. “I’ll get the Book of Shadows.”

“Oh, I can do that,” said Elbert.

Suddenly he shimmered out and was gone.

“He suddenly got good at shimmering,” said Phoebe.

“Probably because I’m here,” said Cole. “He has trouble shimmering when he’s nervous. And I haven’t noticed him lisp once. I guess my presence makes him feel more at ease. When he’s nervous his ‘R’s’ become ‘W’s’.”

“Yeah, we noticed that,” said Piper. A look of horror abruptly crossed her face. “Wait a minute. Did he just say he was going to get the Book of Shadows?”

Before anyone could move or speak a blood-curdling scream emanated from the attic.

“What was that?” asked Leo.

“Nothing to be concerned with,” said Cole calmly. “Hang on a second.”

A moment later Elbert shimmered into the living room. He was cradling the Book of Shadows to his chest. He was also shaking violently.

“I-I-It’s weally, dawk up thewe, did you know that?” Oh, hewe you go.” Elbert held out the book in his trembling hands.

“He’s afraid of the dark?” Paige asked as she quickly took the Book of Shadows.

“Elbert, calm down,” said Cole. “The lights are on down here. You’re perfectly all right.”

“Yeah, but you don’t understand,” said Elbert. “It’s weally, weally dawk up thewe.”

“Cole, he had the Book of Shadows,” said Phoebe. “That can’t be. Evil can’t even touch the book. How can he pick it up and take it out of the attic?”

“The only thing that makes any sense is that the book doesn’t see him as a threat,” said Leo. “Although I’m at a loss to explain that about a demon.”

“This is not good,” said Piper. “A demon that can touch the Book of Shadows? Not good at all.”

“I told you he isn’t exactly evil,” said Cole.

“That’s not my fault,” Elbert muttered dejectedly.

“He’s still a demon,” Piper insisted. “And if he can take the Book of Shadows that makes him a threat. Especially if he’s trying to get it for a higher level demon.”

“Me?” questioned Elbert. “I’m not a threat. Really. I could have shimmered out with it. I didn’t. I brought it right down here just as you wanted.”

“He has a point,” said Leo. “He did bring it down here instead of taking it to the underworld.”

“He’s still a threat,” said Piper. “We can’t let him walk around free. The Book of Shadows would be at risk all the time.”

“I won’t do it again,” said Elbert. “You have my word.”

“The word of a demon?” Paige questioned. “Not exactly reassuring.”

“I think we should vanquish this Tazak, first,” said Phoebe. “Elbert doesn’t seem to be a threat especially with Cole here. If we take Tazak out he can’t hire anyone else to try to get the book. Then we can decide what to do about Elbert.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Piper.

“Except there’s no Tazak in the book,” said Paige. “So I guess we’ll have to rely on Cole and Elbert to fill us in on him.”

“Yes, well,” Cole began nervously.

“Oh, I can do that,” said Elbert. “He’s just about the oldest demon in the underworld. He’s got this big fancy office with some really nice chairs in it.”

“A demon with an office?” questioned Phoebe. “What is he, a lawyer?”

“Oh, no,” said Elbert. “He’s the Director of Bureaucratic Interdimensional Procurement and Artifact Acquisitions.”

“He’s what?” asked Paige.

“I’m one of his assistants,” said Elbert, grinning from ear to ear. “Right now I’m just a Probationary Pre-certified Clerk I. But he said if I got this book for him I’d get a real big promotion. I have the title here somewhere. Gee, I guess that won’t happen now.”

“Wait a second,” said Piper. “Those are some awfully fancy titles for demons. They sound like some of those titles for people at city hall. They almost sound like….”

Her voice trailed off as the realization sunk in. At almost the same instant Phoebe and Paige made the same realization.

“Bureaucracy demons,” gasped the three sisters in unison.

[noazmale]

SIX

Piper tried to steady her nerves as she poured herself a cup of coffee. After the realization of what Elbert was she hadn’t said a word. She had simply stood up and went into the kitchen where she made a pot of coffee.

“Are you okay?” Leo asked sticking his head in the door.

“Oh, I’m just peachy.” Her voice trembled slightly from the anger she was feeling. “I just found out bureaucracy demons are after the Book of Shadows. And from what you and Cole have said about them in the past we can’t vanquish them. Which means we have no way to protect the book from them. And Elbert in there has all ready proven he can pick it up and move it whenever he wants. What could possibly be wrong?”

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” said Leo. “Cole doesn’t seem all that concerned.”

“He’s a demon, for crying out loud.”

“Come on. Let’s hear him out. There’s probably a lot he hasn’t told us. Let’s find out what he has to say.”

Piper put her cup down and followed Leo into the living room. She noticed that Elbert was nowhere to be seen.

“Where is he?” demanded Piper.

“Right here,” said Elbert, shimmering in onto the sofa.

“He kind of shimmers in and out when he’s frightened,” said Cole.

“Are you going to blow me up?” Elbert asked Piper looking at her timidly.

“I haven’t decided,” said Piper.

“Oh, my goodness,” said Elbert as he shimmered out again.

“Elbert, she isn’t going to hurt you,” said Cole.

“You promise?” Elbert asked, shimmering back in.

“Yes, I promise,” said Cole, glancing at Piper.

“Not that it would do much good,” said Piper.

“Piper, I know how you feel,” said Cole. “But trust me it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Not as bad as it sounds? Demons are after the Book of Shadows and we can’t protect the book or vanquish the demons. I can’t really see how it could be much worse.”

“Oh, Pudge, I mean, Cole, is right,” said Elbert. “Most of the demons Tazak approached about getting the book turned him down flat. They said something about not wanting to go up against the witches to get it. He finally agreed to let me get it for him. Only he didn’t say it was the Charmed Ones’ book I was going after just a book belonging to some witches.”

“What do you mean ‘when he finally agreed’?” asked Cole.

“Well, I did have to ask him a few times before he said yes,” said Elbert. “At first he said no. But I finally won him over.”

“You mean you pestered him about it until he finally said yes just to get rid of you,” said Paige.

“I wouldn’t put it exactly that way,” said Elbert. “Even most bureaucracy demons weren’t interested.”

“The reward must not be worth much if so many demons turned it down,” said Leo.

“On the contrary,” said Elbert, beginning to remove items from his pockets. “Let’s see, I have that paper in here somewhere. It’s the promotion Tazak promised me.”

Everyone just stared in amazement as he removed many items from his pockets. Many of the items appeared to be too large to get in the pockets. There were several books, a variety of photos and scraps of paper and what appeared to be a coffeepot and dinner service. There was also a partially eaten ham sandwich and several packages of mini donuts.

At one point he removed a large, round fishbowl that was filled with water and contained a very large bloated fish. Its black body was covered in red tinged spiky protrusions resembling tiny horns and its blood red eyes seemed to regard the group suspiciously.

“Necromancer?” Cole questioned, looking at the fish in disbelieving wonder. “Elbert, what are you doing with Necromancer? I thought my mother set him loose in one of the Underworld ponds?”

“Necromancer? Phoebe asked. “Cole, didn’t you tell me that Necromancer was a demonic goldfish you had as a child. You said he would…. Oh, no. Piper, move away from him quick.”

Before Piper could move the fish suddenly lifted half of its body out of the fishbowl. It angled itself toward Piper who was the one closest to Elbert. Suddenly a green liquid shot out of the fish’s mouth covering the front of Piper’s blouse.

“Elbert!” Piper said, glaring at the little demon.

[noazmale]

SEVEN

“Piper, it’s okay,” said Phoebe, ushering her sister toward the stairs. “It’s just pea soup. Cole once told me about his pet goldfish that spit pea green soup at mortals.”

“And witches,” Cole interjected.

“Just put some club soda on it and it should be fine,” continued Phoebe. “Why don’t you go change your blouse while we try to get some more information out of Elbert?”

Piper didn’t say a word as she turned and headed upstairs. Elbert cowered behind Cole shimmering in and out.

“I weally am sowwy,” said Elbert. “I forgot I had him.”

“It’s okay,” said Cole. “She’ll calm down soon enough. What are you doing with Necromancer?”

“I couldn’t stand thinking of him swimming around with all those strange fish,” said Elbert. “I didn’t want him to be lonely. So I convinced your mother to let me have him.”

“You shouldn’t have brought him here,” said Cole. “They aren’t familiar with demonic pets.”

“I said I forgot I had him,” said Elbert. “I weally am sorry. I didn’t mean to mess up her blouse.”

“It will be okay,” said Paige. “I’m sure Piper knows you didn’t mean it.”

“Oh, here’s what my new title is going to be,” said Elbert, handing a piece of paper to Phoebe.”

“Assistant Director of Procurement of Non-Magical Tomes for the Underworld Library, Mortal Realm Branch?” Phoebe questioned. “What kind of a title is that?”

“Very impressive,” said Elbert. “It means I’ll be getting a promotion of about nine levels all at once. Faster than anyone else in the entire history of the bureaucracy. People will look up to me then.”

“What I don’t understand,” Paige said, “is why Tazak sent you after the book. If it’s that important to him why not send someone more powerful or more experienced?”

“That’s a good question,” said Piper coming down the stairs, noticing the piece of paper in Phoebe’s hand. “What’s that?”

“Oh, that’s my new title,” said Elbert. “I’m going to be….”

“I don’t want to know,” said Piper. “If bureaucracy demons want the Book of Shadows why send one lowly demonic clerk to try and get it? Especially knowing we’d be here to protect it?”

“Because the bureaucracy doesn’t want it,” said Cole. “Tazak does. You see bureaucracy demons aren’t evil per se. Demons by definition are evil. They fight in the war of good versus evil. Bureaucracy demons are different. They aren’t really good or evil. They are a bureaucracy. Their only interests are the rules and regulations pertaining to their particular duties. And they are sticklers for following the rules.”

“Great,” said Piper. “We have a whole slew of demons who want the book, we have no way to protect it, and no way to vanquish the demons who are after it. Could things get any better?”

“I don’t think we have to worry about that right now,” said Cole. “Only Tazak seems interested in the book. All we have to worry about is him. At least for the moment.”

“But if this Tazak is one of the senior bureaucracy demons,” asked Paige, “doesn’t that mean he can send anyone he wants after the book?”

“No,” said Cole. “Like any bureaucracy, bureaucracy demons are only concerned with their jobs. If it doesn’t pertain to their duties they aren’t interested in it. That’s probably why Tazak was turned down. And why he would send Elbert to get the book.”

“Well, I guess that means all we have to worry about is this Tazak,” said Piper. “Let’s see. We can’t vanquish him because he’s a bureaucracy demon. I don’t suppose we could protect the book magically. Put a spell on it or something that would hide it from him?”

“It probably wouldn’t work,” said Cole. “Remember, bureaucracy demons are immune to most offensive spells. And a protection spell would fall into that category when it pertains to bureaucracy demons.”

“Well then it seems simple,” said Phoebe. “We have to talk to Tazak. Convince him not to come after the book.”

“That isn’t going to happen,” said Cole. “If Tazak has decided he wants the book that will be his only concern at the moment. He can be very single-minded about such things. And since it falls under his purview he’ll be completely convinced he has every right to just take it.”

“You mean there’s no way to talk him out of it?” asked Piper.

“None,” said Cole. “As I said, he’ll be concentrating on the book. Which means he’ll be intent on getting the book. And when Elbert doesn’t return with it he’ll be left with only one option. He’ll have to come get it himself.”

[noazmale]

EIGHT

“I wish I had never taken this assignment,” Elbert said miserably. “I didn’t know witches could be such nice people. Most demons aren’t as nice. I’m sorry I caused you so much trouble.”

“I guess it’s not your fault,” said Piper. “You were just doing what bureaucracy demons do.”

“There must be something we can do,” said Paige. “There are always options.”

“I don’t know what we can do,” said Cole. “Bureaucracy demons are some of the most single-minded demons in the Underworld. It can be both a curse and a blessing.”

“Maybe I could help,” said Elbert. “I could talk to Uncle Source. Maybe have him get Tazak to back off.”

“Somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen,” said Leo. “In all likelihood he’d help Tazak get the Book of Shadows.”

“Besides,” said Cole, “after what you did to him I don’t think he’s very likely to even listen to you.”

“What he did to the Source?” questioned Phoebe. “Just what did you do to him?”

“It’s been nearly five hundred years,” said Elbert. “I’m sure he’s forgotten about that by now.”

“He still won’t let you back in the Underworld,” said Cole. “You know as well as I do he can hold a grudge for a very long time.”

“Just what did Elbert do to the Source that was so bad?” Paige asked.

“The way the story goes,” said Cole, “when the Source had his ascension ceremony he opted for a traditional ceremony. In those days the leaders of the demonic hierarchy presented the new Source with a fireball or energy ball as a sign of loyalty and fealty. Also, his closest male relatives were present at the ceremony.”

“Don’t tell us Elbert lost control of his fireball like he did earlier,” said Piper.

“They’re hot,” said Elbert. “Besides, it was an accident. I’m sure he understands that.”

“He banished you from the Underworld proper,” Cole said dryly. “The Source forbad Elbert from ever setting foot in the main Underworld ever again. He can go to the outer fringes where bureaucracy demons live but he has to avoid any contact with upper level demons.”

“I’m sure he’s recanted that by now,” said Elbert. “No one can stay mad forever.”

“You set fire to his robes,” said Cole.

“Those fireballs are hot,” Elbert said again pitifully.

“According to the story,” continued Cole, “when the hierarchy presented their fireballs to the Source, Elbert lost control of his. It rolled across the floor of the ascension chamber and set fire to the Source’s robes. Then he tried to help put out the fire. Except the fireball just continued to roll around the floor. Within a few moments most of the demonic hierarchy had their robes set on fire. If it wasn’t for a water demon that happened to be in attendance Elbert might have vanquished the entire demonic hierarchy.”

“Way to go, Elbert,” said Paige. “Not even we have come that close.”

“Anyway,” said Cole, “I doubt if the Source would even talk to you, Elbert. And Leo is right. If he finds out what’s going on he’d be more likely to help Tazak than stop him. Going to the Source isn’t an option.”

“It was just a thought,” said Elbert. “I guess I won’t get my promotion now. Well, I knew it was a long shot. But I figured it was worth a shot.”

“We’re sorry about that,” said Phoebe. “You aren’t like any other demon we’ve ever met. I’m sorry we couldn’t help you out but giving you the Book of Shadows is just out of the question.”

“I guess the other demons are right,” said Elbert dejectedly. “I’m just not good for anything. I only had one job to do. Get the Book of Shadows and I get a promotion and I couldn’t even do that.”

“Elbert,” said Paige thoughtfully, “what did Tazak tell you? About getting the Book of Shadows?”

“Just what I’ve told you,” said Elbert. “If I could get him the Book of Shadows he’d give me the promotion I told you about.”

“What exactly did he say?” Paige asked.

“Paige, what are you getting at?” asked Piper.

“Hang on a second,” said Paige. “I need to know exactly what Tazak told Elbert.”

“’Elbert,’ he said. ‘If you can get the book I’ll promote you to Assistant Director of Procurement of Non-Magical Tomes for the Underworld Library, Mortal Realm Branch. You’ll have proven you’re worthy of the promotion so get the book and the promotion is yours.’”

“And that’s it?” Paige asked. “That’s exactly what he said?”

“Word for word,” said Elbert. “Believe me I remember every word. No one has ever put any trust in me before. It’s not something I’m likely to forget.”

“Cole,” said Paige, “you said bureaucracy demons are sticklers for the rules.”

“Yes,” said Cole. “It’s what defines them. Just as it defines any bureaucracy. Rules and regulations are all they are concerned with.”

“Can they be trusted?” Paige asked. “I mean do they keep their word?”

“Of course,” said Elbert. “A bureaucracy demon is worthless if his word can’t be trusted.”

“So if Elbert completes his assignment,” said Paige, “then Tazak would have to keep his word and give Elbert the promotion.”

“Of course,” said Cole. “In fact Tazak is even a more stickler for the rules than regular bureaucracy demons. He’s one of the oldest and highest-level bureaucracy demons. It’s his job to make sure that those under his rule follow all the rules and regulations. If anyone would keep his word it would be Tazak.”

“Well then,” said Paige smiling, “I think we may just have a way out of this. A way to get Elbert his promotion and still protect the Book of Shadows from Tazak at the same time.”

“What are you thinking?” Phoebe asked.

“Bureaucracies and them being sticklers for the rules,” said Paige. “That’s what I’m thinking.”

[noazmale]

NINE

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Elbert asked nervously. “No one can get an appointment with Tazak for weeks and weeks.”

The group was sitting in a very plush office. And this was just the secretary’s office. From the looks of it Tazak must be extremely important. Even Cole commented how luxurious the secretary’s office was. If her office was any indication, Tazak’s office must have been nearly palatial.

“Relax, it will work,” said Paige. “Working in the Social Services’ Office I’ve dealt with literally dozens of different bureaucracies. They all have certain things in common. Flash a title at them and they’ll bend over backwards for you.”

‘Yeah, but isn’t this the Underworld?” asked Phoebe.

“Well, yes, it is,” said Cole. “But it’s not the Underworld prime. It’s considered a separate plane. Paige’s plan just might get us in to see Tazak. Other than that I don’t know.”

Tazak’s secretary opened the door to his office and walked in. Tazak was currently on the phone and shouting loudly.

“No, no, no. No sharp objects in the Red Tape Division. How many times do I have to tell you? Sharp objects have a tendency to cut things. No sharp objects in the Red Tape Division.”

The secretary glanced out into her office then bent over and whispered in Tazak’s ear.

“Who?” Tazak questioned. “You’re kidding? He’s here now? Well, don’t keep him waiting out there. Send him in, send him in.”

The secretary walked back out into her office.

“Mr. Tazak will see you now, sir.”

“Thank you,” said Cole, somewhat self-consciously.

They all walked into his office together. Just as they suspected it was the most elaborate office any of them had seen. As they walked up to his desk he stood up with a broad smile on his face.

“Ambassador Belthazor, what a pleasure to meet you, sir. I’ve wanted to meet you for a very long time but my duties here keep me quite busy. My secretary said you had something very important you wanted to talk with me about.”

“Yes, Tazak,” said Cole. “First, may I introduce my companions? This is Piper and Phoebe Halliwell and their sister Paige Matthews.”

“The Charmed Ones,” said Tazak.

“And this is their White Lighter, Leo Wyatt.”

“Ambassador Wyatt? Well this is quite an honor. Two ambassadors in one day.”

“Hey there,” said Elbert, peering out from behind Leo.

“Elbert?” questioned Tazak.

“Hi, Tazak,” said Elbert. “Mom says hi.”

“Mom?” questioned Piper.

“I see,” said Tazak. “Well, I guess I know the reason for your visit, Ambassador. So, just exactly what did my brother tell you?”

“Brother?” Cole questioned, looking at Elbert. “You never mentioned that Tazak was your brother.”

“Half-brother, actually,” Tazak clarified, a look of distaste coloring the carefully schooled features. “Considering you’re all here together I assume this has to do with the Book of Shadows.”

“Yes, it does,” said Piper. “Look, you have to leave the book alone. Elbert told us you sent him to get it. We came to see if we could make some kind of deal.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” said Tazak. “Since you obviously caught Elbert I have no doubt he told you everything. He never could keep a secret. But as the Director of Bureaucratic Interdimensional Procurement and Artifact Acquisitions it’s my job to collect the items the Underworld needs to do its job. That, I’m afraid, includes the famed Book of Shadows.”

“So you sent Elbert to get the book,” said Paige. “And you promised him a big promotion if he got it.”

“Yes, that was the deal,” said Tazak. “I was going to promote him to Assistant Director of Procurement of Non-Magical Tomes for the Underworld Library, Mortal Realm Branch. But since you’re here with him it’s quite obvious he failed at his mission. So, Elbert, I’m afraid you don’t get the promotion. Rules are rules. You failed to get the book so you don’t get the promotion.”

“That’s not what they said,” said Elbert.

“What are you talking about?” Tazak asked.

“Oh, it’s very simple,” said Paige. “You told Elbert to get the Book of Shadows. He did that. And he brought it to me. So he did complete his mission.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Tazak. “My meaning was quite clear. He was supposed to get the book and bring it to me. He knew that was what I wanted. He didn’t bring it to me so he failed his mission.”

“You just said I was to get the book,” said Elbert. “I remember your instructions. ‘Elbert, if you can get the book I’ll promote you to Assistant Director of Procurement of Non-Magical Tomes for the Underworld Library, Mortal Realm Branch. You’ll have proven you’re worthy of the promotion so get the book and the promotion is yours.’ Those were your exact words. I remember them very clearly.”

“I meant for you to bring the book to me,” said Tazak, “and you know that.”

“Ah, but that’s not what you told Elbert,” said Cole. “You said ‘get the book’. If you had wanted him to bring the book to you, you should have said so. And according to your own rules and regulations Elbert fulfilled his mission to the letter.”

“Am I just supposed to take his word on it?” Tazak asked. “According to bureaucracy rules, completing the mission has to be verified. It will take more than just his word to verify the mission. And I can assure you the word of a witch holds very little credibility for verifying that a mission has been completed.”

“Oh, I think we can do better than that,” said Cole. “I’m willing to sign a legal affidavit testifying that he completed his mission. I was there when he completed it. So was Ambassador Wyatt and I’m willing to bet he’ll be more than happy to sign an affidavit as well.”

“Certainly,” said Leo.

“Well,” said Tazak, “I simply won’t accept any affidavits. It is my decision as to what constitutes credible verification. You’ll have to do better than that.”

“In which case Elbert will simply take you to court,” said Cole. “If you know who I am then you also know I’m an attorney by trade. Oh, you can fight it. That’s your right. But in the end you’ll loose. I can assure you that legally executed affidavits by two ambassadors will carry a great deal of weight in the Underworld court system. Not to mention the word of the Charmed Ones. I have no doubt the judge will rule in my favor. So after all the trouble you’ll be forced to give him his promotion anyway. Why not just save yourself the trouble and give it to him now?”

Tazak stared at Cole. He knew of Cole’s reputation as a lawyer. And he knew Cole was right. If it came to a court fight he didn’t stand a chance against the words of two ambassadors. Especially ambassadors of the status of Leo and Cole. And Cole was right. Technically Elbert has completed his mission. At least to the letter of his instructions.

“Okay,” said Tazak finally. “I guess you win this one. Elbert, effective immediately you are Assistant Director of Procurement of Non-Magical Tomes for the Underworld Library, Mortal Realm Branch. I’ll put the order through this afternoon and you’ll get your assignment then. We’ll decide where you will be assigned later. And I can assure you it will be quite far from Bureaucracy Headquarters.”

“Really?” questioned Elbert. “You’re really going to give me the promotion?”

“Well, as Ambassador Belthazor said, you apparently completed your assignment,” said Tazak. “So I have no choice but to give you the promotion. Rules are rules, after all.”

“I’m glad you see it our way,” said Piper. “In the future I suggest you be more specific with your instructions.”

“As for the Book of Shadows,” continued Tazak, “there’s still that little matter to take care of. And since Elbert failed to return it I seem to be left with only one option. I guess I’ll just have to get it myself.”

[noazmale]

TEN

“Yeah, I wouldn’t count on that if I were you,” said Paige.

“Why?” Tazak laughed. “You can’t vanquish me. I’m sure the two ambassadors have informed you that bureaucracy demons can’t be vanquished. And at my level you can’t hope to hide the book from me for long. Sooner or later I’ll locate wherever you have hidden it. Probably sooner than later. And even if you try to mask it magically I’ll find it. Let’s face it. There really isn’t much you can do about it.”

“I wouldn’t say that exactly,” said Paige, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket. “This might help.” At the same time Piper and Phoebe also pulled pieces of paper out of their pockets.

“A spell?” questioned Tazak. “You must know that most spells simply have no affect on bureaucracy demons.”

“Most offensive spells, yes,” said Piper. “Only this isn’t exactly an offensive spell. You might call it a binding spell. And since it’s a Power of Three spell we’re pretty certain it will work even against you.”

“A binding spell?” Tazak asked. “What type of binding spell? I can assure you that you can’t bind my powers if that’s your plan.”

“Oh we have no intention of binding your powers,” said Phoebe. “That probably wouldn’t work anyway. But like Piper says, we’re pretty sure it will work. I was very careful in how I worded it.”

“If you don’t plan to bind my powers,” Tazak inquired haughtily, “then just what kind of binding are you talking about?”

“Binding Elbert to you,” said Paige.

“Hey, boss,” said Elbert.

“W… what are you talking about?” stammered Tazak.

“Very simple,” said Cole. “With that spell, the Charmed Ones will permanently bind you and Elbert together. You’ll never be able to get rid of him. No matter where you go he’ll be with you. For all eternity.”

“You… you can’t do that,” stammered Tazak. “Ambassador Belthazor, you know what he’s like. I only gave him the assignment to get rid of him. What you are proposing is inhuman. Not even the Source would be so cruel. You’re supposed to be good. How can you even consider such an evil thing?”

“We’ve had years to learn,” said Paige. “And just in case the spell doesn’t work we have a backup plan. I’ll just have a little chat with some friends of ours. Well, maybe not friends exactly. But I’m sure they’d love to be pointed in this direction.”

“Friends”? Tazak croaked.

“Work Gnomes,” said Paige. “We ran into them a while back. It seems they just love office settings to work in. I’m sure they’d love to come by and help make Bureaucracy Headquarters more efficient.”

“You can’t do that,” said Tazak “Work Gnomes here? Have you any idea the type of disruption they could cause? How much trouble they could cause? Why, the thought alone is almost too horrible to contemplate. Even Malevant would not torture a creature so.”

“Well here’s the deal,” said Piper. “You forget about the Book of Shadows. Now and in the future. You don’t send anyone to get it ever. In return we’ll leave you alone. But if you ever try to get the book again we’ll come back here. And not only will we use the spell, I’ll make sure there are enough Work Gnomes for every department you control.”

“Yes, yes, anything, anything,” said Tazak. “You have my word. I’ll never come after it again. Please, don’t bring the Work Gnomes here. We’ve gone to a great deal of trouble to shield this place from them. If they should ever learn where it is, why, I shudder to think of the consequences.”

“Just make sure you remember that,” said Paige. “We’ll have the spell and I can always get hold of the Work Gnomes. Any bureaucracy demons show up looking for the Book of Shadows and we’ll be back. With friends.”

“You don’t have to worry,” said Tazak. “I’ll initiate a rule immediately. Your Book of Shadows will be off limits to all bureaucracy demons. Just please don’t let the Work Gnomes know where we are.”

“You have a deal,” said Piper. “But if any bureaucracy demon ever shows up looking for the book….”

“No, no,” said Tazak. “That won’t happen. You have my word.”

“Fine,” said Piper. “Come on. Let’s get back home. I’m tired of dealing with this guy.”

The group turned and left the office leaving Tazak and Elbert alone. As soon as they had left, Leo and Cole transported them back to the manor.

[noazmale]

ELEVEN

It had been three weeks since Piper and her sisters had gone to see Tazak. In all that time not a single bureaucracy demon had shown up trying to get the Book of Shadows. For the first couple of days they had nervously waited to see if Tazak would keep his word. Soon, however, they decided he had been honest with them. One evening they had just finished dinner and were sitting and relaxing in the living room when Elbert suddenly shimmered in.

“Hello,” said Elbert. “I hope you don’t mind my dropping in like this. I just wanted to thank you for all your help in getting me promoted.”

“As long as you aren’t here to get the Book of Shadows,” said Piper suspiciously.

“Oh, no,” said Elbert. “Tazak put out a directive as soon as you left. No bureaucracy demon is allowed to even touch the Book of Shadows. Not without your permission, anyway. He took you very seriously.”

“That’s good,” said Paige. “We don’t want any more bureaucracy demons trying to get their hands on it.”

“I’m glad you learned to shimmer properly,” said Phoebe. “I have to say I don’t care for someone shimmering in while I’m taking a bath.”

“I really am sorry about that,” said Elbert. “Pudge is right. I really need to make sure the place is empty before I try shimmering in.”

“Elbert,” said Cole, “please don’t call me that. It’s been a long time since I was that pudgy little boy. It really doesn’t apply any more.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, uh, Cole,” said Elbert. “I really will try not to call you that in the future. But I’ve called you that for so long it’s just hard not to, you know?”

“Yes, Elbert, I know,” said Cole, smiling slightly. “All I ask if that you try.”

“I will,” said Elbert. “I promise.”

“So, Elbert, how’s the new job going?” Leo asked.

“Well, to be honest, I don’t do that any more,” said Elbert. “After the first week I was doing such a good job that several other demons actually offered me other jobs. It seems there are a whole lot of things I can do that I never imagined I could do.”

“So what are you doing now?” Paige asked.

“I’m now Associate Professor of Applied Theory and Rhetoric at the Bureaucratic University for Wayward Administrative Associates,” said Elbert grinning from ear to ear.

“That’s very impressive,” said Cole. “It normally takes decades for someone to land one of those positions. You must really have impressed someone on the administration.”

“Just what the heck is that anyway?” Phoebe asked.

“The Bureaucratic University for Wayward Administrative Associates is a training center for bureaucracy demons,” said Elbert. “You’d be surprised how long it takes to train bureaucracy demons to properly perform their jobs. As Associate Professor of Applied Theory and Rhetoric it’s my job to help train those who are having trouble mastering some of the basic procedures.”

“Well, that does sound impressive,” said Piper.

“Yeah, it is,” said Elbert. “Chornack, the Chancellor, said he was very impressed with my mission here. Even though I didn’t bring back the Book of Shadows I went up against the Charmed Ones. Not only did I complete the assignment to the letter, but I also did so without being vanquished or even being hurt. And, partially because of my involvement, Tazak instituted a new bureaucracy demon policy. That’s very rare. Chornack said anyone that can do that must be a superior bureaucracy demon and should be teaching others proper procedures.”

“Congratulations,” said Paige. “Sounds like things are working out for you.”

“Oh, they are,” said Elbert. “Even some of the mainstream demons are talking to me now. And Chornack is very pleased with my performance. He said that in no time at all I should have a full professorship and will probably get tenure in record time.”

“Elbert, I’m proud of you,” said Cole. “It seems you finally found your niche.”

“Yeah, I have,” said Elbert. “They gave me a niche just last week. It’s in a very impressive section of the university and everyone comes to me for advice.”

“No, I meant you found something you’re good at,” Cole grinned and shook his head. “And you seem to like it, too.”

“Oh, okay,” said Elbert. “Yeah, it’s great. Well, I’d better get going. I have a lecture to give in about half an hour. It’s on the intricacies of defining and cataloging sub-texts of minor theoretical data cross-referenced by date, location, and geographical location. Really interesting stuff.”

“We’ll take your word on it,” said Piper. “Good luck with the new job.”

“Thanks,” said Elbert. “Pu. . .er, Cole, mom said for you to stop by for dinner soon. She wants to thank you for helping me out.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” said Cole.

Elbert shimmered out of the manor.

“I’m glad things are working out for him,” said Phoebe. “For a demon he’s not such a bad guy. Almost like he’s not a demon at all.”

“Well, bureaucracy demons aren’t really demons as I explained,” said Cole. “And Elbert is less like most other bureaucracy demons. He isn’t really bad just kind of incompetent.”

“He seems to have changed that,” said Phoebe.

“Well, I hope he doesn’t come back anytime soon,” said Piper. “Once is enough for me for quite some time.”

“No need to worry about that,” said Cole. “With his new position he’ll be much too busy to be making any house calls for quite a while.”

“At least the Book of Shadows is safe from bureaucracy demons,” said Paige. “Apparently Tazak took us seriously.”

“That doesn’t mean other demons won’t be after it,” said Leo. “It will still be quite a coup for any demon that can get their hands on it.”

“We’ll just have to keep an eye on it,” said Piper. “At least regular demons can be vanquished. We have that in our favor.”

“And evil can’t touch the book,” said Phoebe. “That’s another point in our favor.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about it for a while,” said Cole. “I’m sure news of what happened with Elbert has circulated around the Underworld by now. Other demons will be reluctant for a while to try it again.”

“That’s good,” said Piper. “Hey, who’s up for desert? I have a new cake recipe I’ve tried out. I’m really interested in seeing what everyone thinks about it.”

“As long as it’s chocolate I’m up for it,” said Phoebe.

“What else would it be?” Piper asked, getting up from the sofa.

Everyone followed Piper into the kitchen knowing that the cake would be another of her culinary masterpieces.

The End