Clarence

[noazmale]

CHARMED
"Clarence"
by J. B. Tilton
email: [e-mail]
Rating: K

Disclaimer: “Charmed” and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

* * *

(Authors note: This story takes place between season 3 episodes “Pre-Witched” and “Sin Francisco”.)

* * *

The sisters are surprised when a demon suddenly pops into the manor. They’re even more surprised when they learn why it’s there.

* * *

ONE

“I’m glad you guys decided to stay in the manor,” Prue said to Piper and Leo. “We could have been in real trouble if you hadn’t been here when that demon attacked.”

“I guess we’re just not ready to be on our own, yet,” said Piper. “And thanks for giving up your room for us. You don’t know how much we appreciate it.”

“It makes the most sense,” said Prue. “Besides, it’s worth it if it keeps you here.”

“We still appreciate it,” said Leo.

“Hey, that’s what sisters are for,” said Phoebe, coming into the living room.

“You should talk,” said Prue. “I gave up my room and a private bathroom. What did you give up?”

“I gave up Piper in the bathroom in the morning for you,” said Phoebe. “Believe me, that’s a lot to give up.”

“Oh, very funny,” said Prue, smiling. “You’re not exactly a blue ribbon winner in that department yourself, either.”

Leo and Piper just smiled at the two sisters. It was good they could joke like that. It hadn’t been so long ago that they couldn’t stand to be in the same room together. Now, they joked with each other about things that only a few months ago would have had them at each other’s throats.

“Hey,” said Piper in mock anger, “do I have to send you two to your rooms?”

“She started it,” giggled Phoebe.

“Did not,” laughed Prue.

“Did, too,” replied Phoebe.

Everyone just laughed.

“Remember how angry grams used to get when we were kids and did that?” asked Phoebe.

“Oh man, do I,” said Prue. “She used to threaten to take away our voices if we didn’t stop. If we knew then what we know now, maybe we might have taken her threats a bit more seriously.”

“I know I would have,” said Phoebe.

“Me, too,” said Piper. “Just seeing one demon in the house would have been enough to make me believe she could do it.”

Suddenly, a small pillar of flame erupted in the entryway. Everyone instinctively turned to look at it. When the flames died out, a demon stood in the entryway.

[noazmale]

TWO

“Demon,” cried Phoebe, jumping to her feet.

Everyone jumped up, ready for battle. The demon stood about four feet tall and was a light green. Its yellow eyes resembled cats’ eyes. Two small horns protruded from its forehead.

“Excuse me,” said the demon, holding up only a single finger, “I was wondering if you could help me. I seem to have gotten turned around somewhat.”

The demons’ politeness took everyone by surprise. The creature actually appeared to be a bit timid. It stood looking at the four with the most pathetic smile on its’ face.

“What?” asked Prue.

“I could use some directions,” said the demon. “I’m looking for the Halliwell manor.”

“This is the Halliwell manor,” said Piper.

“So you three would be the Charmed Ones?” questioned the demon. “I’m sorry if I don’t recognize you on sight. I haven’t been out of the underworld in four or five decades. And then I went to France. Not a very friendly people, the French. Did you know that?”

“Who are you?” asked Phoebe.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a name,” said the demon. “At least, not one you could pronounce. So, are you the Charmed Ones or not?”

“Yes, we’re the Charmed Ones,” said Prue.

Everyone was looking at each other in total confusion.

“Oh, thank goodness,” sighed the demon. “You have no idea the trouble I had getting here. First, I turned left instead of right at the River Styx. That was a mistake, let me tell you. I doubled back but I wasn’t sure if I had gone far enough.

“Then I had to make my way through the upper levels of the underworld. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? All the passages look alike, especially if you haven’t been in them for a while.

“Then I had to enter the mortal plane, which isn’t as easy as it sounds. The astral plane boarders it on the right side and it’s easy to overshoot your mark. Oh, moving around between the areas of the underworld is easy enough, but when it comes to entering the moral realm, it’s another story altogether.

“After that I had to make sure I was in San Francisco, because that’s where you guys live. And it wouldn’t do for me to pop up somewhere else. I’m not really familiar with the west coast of the United States. Like I said, I haven’t been up here in a while, and then I was in France. I wasn’t really crazy about being in France, though. Did I mention the French aren’t very friendly?”

“Neither are we,” snapped Prue. “Now, what do you want?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” said the demon.

He held his arms out at his side, lifted his head, and closed his eyes. His face was all scrunched up as if he was expecting someone to hit him.

“I’m ready to be vanquished,” he said.

[noazmale]

THREE

“You’re what?” asked Phoebe.

“I’m ready to be vanquished,” said the demon, looking at them. “Listen, you’re the Charmed Ones. Every demon knows that just coming here is reason enough for you to vanquish one of us. So, do your thing. Vanquish me.”

The demon closed his eyes again.

“Leo,” said Prue, “do you have any idea what’s going on here?”

“Not a clue,” said Leo.

“Well, demons don’t just pop in here and asked to be vanquished,” said Phoebe.

“Maybe it’s a trick,” offered Piper. “To draw our attention away from something else.”

“Hey,” said the demon, a bit annoyed, “I came a long way for this. All my friends know I came here to get vanquished by you. A little less chatter and a little more vanquishing if you don’t mind.”

“Keep your pants on,” snapped Piper.

“I’m not wearing pants,” said the demon. “What’s the matter? I’m a demon. You’re the Charmed Ones. You vanquish demons. Is there something I’m missing? Is there a rule or something that says you can’t vanquish a demon unless it attacks you? Okay, fair enough.”

Before any of them could move, the demon formed an energy ball and cast it at Phoebe. The energy ball struck Phoebe and almost immediately dissipated. Phoebe didn’t even flinch.

“What was that?” asked Phoebe.

“It was an attack,” said the demon. “Hey, what did you expect? A fireball? I’m a very low level demon. Now, I’ve attacked you. Vanquish away.”

“That was an attack?” questioned Phoebe. “I’ve hurt myself worse than that blow drying my hair.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” said the Demon. “So what is it now? You need to write a spell or make a potion or something? I’ll wait.”

“Leo,” said Piper, “why don’t you go see if you can find out what’s going on?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that,” said Leo.

As Leo orbed out, the little demon looked on in surprise.

“Is he a White Lighter?” asked the demon. “Say, can we wait until he gets back? I’ve always wanted to meet a White Lighter.”

“”Listen,” began Piper. Then she looked at her sisters. “What do we call it? We can’t just say ‘hey you’.”

“I’ve always been partial to the name Clarence,” said the demon.

“Clarence the demon?” questioned Phoebe.

“Why not?” asked the demon. “Like she said, it’s better than ‘hey, you’.”

“Listen, Clarence,” said Piper. “Why don’t you go wait in the kitchen until we get this sorted out, okay?”

“Okay,” said Clarence. “Only don’t take too long.”

The sisters just watches as the demon turned and walked into the kitchen.

[noazmale]

FOUR

“They have no idea what’s going on,” said Leo after orbing back in. “Nothing like this has ever happened before.”

“Something’s going on,” said Prue. “Phoebe’s right. Demons don’t just pop in and ask to be vanquished.”

“Let’s ask Clarence,” said Phoebe. “Let’s find out why he wants to be vanquished.”

“Clarence?” questioned Leo.

“Yeah, we’ve named him Clarence,” said Piper.

“Clarence the demon?” questioned Leo again.

“I know,” said Piper. “Just doesn’t instill fear like a demon is supposed to do.”

“Come on,” said Prue. “Let’s go have a little talk with Clarence.”

The four walked in the kitchen. The refrigerator door was open and Clarence was bent over inside it. As they walked into the kitchen, he straightened up. In one hand was an opened stick of butter with a bite taken out of it. And there was butter smeared all over Clarence’s mouth.

“I hope you don’t mind,” said Clarence. “I got hungry. This is very good.”

“Would you like something to wash that down with?” asked Phoebe sarcastically.

“No thanks,” said Clarence, pulling an open bottle of cooking oil out of the refrigerator. He took a drink from it. “I’ve found something already. Do you eat this well all the time? Usually all I get is slugs.”

“You’re eating butter,” said Piper.

“Is that what it is?” asked Clarence. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“Clarence,” said Prue, “you said you came here to get vanquished?”

“Yeah,” said Clarence. “I figured you three could do it right. There’s nothing like a botched vanquishing. So I figured the Charmed ones could do it right.”

“Why?” asked Piper.

“Why what?” asked Clarence.

“Why did you come here to get vanquished?” asked Piper.

“I just told you,” said Clarence, “to make sure it was done right.”

“No,” said Phoebe, “why come to get vanquished at all?”

“Oh,” said Clarence. “Well, I figure it’s going to happen sooner or later. Why put it off? Just get it over with.”

“Again, why?” asked Prue.

“You have any idea what it’s like down there?” asked Clarence. “The backbiting, the subterfuge, the vying for power. I’m just tired of it. I’m real low level, like I said, so I don’t really have any chance for advancement. And since you three showed up, things have gotten a lot worse. I figure eventually you’ll come after us or I’ll be sent to distract you or something. So, if that’s going to happen, why wait?”

“So you came here to get vanquished because you’re tired?” asked Leo.

“Yeah, that’s about the size of it,” said Clarence.

[noazmale]

FIVE

“That’s just crazy,” said Phoebe.

“Not if you’ve put up with it as long as I have,” said Clarence. “I just don’t want to put up with it anymore.”

“Surely there are other options to being vanquished,” said Piper.

“Like what?” asked Clarence. “Look at me, lady. I’m a demon. It’s not like I can walk into the nearest McDonalds and say I’d like to apply for a job, you know.”

“He’s got a point,” said Leo.

“And I can’t go up there,” said Clarence. “They wouldn’t let me to begin with. Even if they did, they wouldn’t trust me. It would be almost as bad as being down here.”

“Why not take a human form then give up your powers?” asked Prue. “That would make you more or less human.”

“Yeah, and more or less dead, too,” said Clarence. “You know that guy you hire to come in and vacuum your office and empty your trash and things like that?”

“Yes,” said Prue.

“I’m the guy who takes orders from him,” said Clarence. “Take away what little power I have and there’s nothing left. Besides, I don’t have a human form. That’s reserved for higher level demons.”

“Well,” said Piper, “we could bind your powers. You’d still have them. You just wouldn’t be able to use them.”

“Oh, now there’s a good idea,” said Clarence sarcastically. “Bind my powers so that any other demon who comes across me can vanquish me without a fight. That’s a real smart move, that is.”

“Hey, we’re trying to help here,” said Phoebe.

“Well,” said Clarence, “so far most of your ideas end up with me being vanquished. Now you see why I came here. Just kind of cut out the middle man so to speak.”

“No offense,” said Prue, “but you’re just not enough of a threat for us to vanquish.”

“There’s got to be something we can do,” said Piper.

“He’s a demon,” said Leo. “You’re not supposed to be helping him.”

“Leo, honey,” said Piper, “he’s more or less looking to change sides. If he’s serious, I don’t think it would be right to vanquish him just because he’s a demon. He might be of some help to us.”

“Right,” said Phoebe. “Low level or not, he might know something that can help. Assuming he’s willing to tell us what he knows.”

“Oh sure, anything,” said Clarence. “They’re reorganizing down there again. I’m supposed to go work for Malevant. Trust me, I’d rather work for anyone else but him.”

“He’s pretty bad, huh?” asked Prue.

“You have no idea,” said Clarence. “If I go to work for him, I’ll end up vanquished anyway. He’s got kind of a temper.”

“Well,” said Phoebe, “I have an idea. But it involves Leo finding a place for our little friend.”

“What?” asked Leo. “You want me to help a demon? Phoebe, you know I can’t do that.”

“Just hear me out,” said Phoebe. “Just hear me out.”

[noazmale]

SIX

Leo orbed into the manor alone.

“Well?” asked Phoebe anxiously.

“The Elders went for it,” said Leo. “I didn’t think they would, but they did. They seemed to think it was a pretty good idea.”

“Of course it was a good idea,” said Prue. “Clarence may be only a minor demon, but he probably knows more than even he realizes.”

“Where did you put him?” asked Piper.

“There’s a little monastery in the Himalayas,” said Leo. “It’s run by an order of monks who’ve been there for centuries. I explained the deal to them and they agreed to let Clarence stay there. As long as he follows the rules and doesn’t cause any trouble, he’s welcome to stay with them as long as he wants.

“And Clarence seemed to like the place. He said when he wasn’t writing down what he knows about the underworld, the demons who live there, and the organizations, he can go exploring.”

“Considering how many demons there are,” said Phoebe, “it’s going to take him a while to write it all down.”

“Years,” said Leo. “He said he’d make the information as complete as he can. And a White Lighter will go there once a month to pick up what he has finished.”

“What about demons?” asked Phoebe. “Any chance of them showing up there?”

“I don’t think so,” said Leo. “Only the Elders, you, the White Lighter who picks up what Clarence writes down, and I know where he is. As long as they don’t know he’s there, there’s no reason for a demon to go there. And the Elders have placed an enchantment on the monastery that makes Clarence appear to be just another monk. The place just isn’t important enough for any demon to be concerned with.”

“Great,” said Phoebe. “We don’t have to vanquish Clarence, he gets away from the underworld, and the Elders get detailed information on the underworld. All in all, I’d say things worked out pretty well.”

“Got to hand it to you, little sister,” said Piper, “that was a pretty good idea you had there.”

“Yeah, I have to agree with Piper,” said Prue. “I wasn’t sure what we were going to do with him. Demon or not, it just didn’t seem right to vanquish him. He’s actually kind of pathetic for a demon.”

“Well, the monks will keep a close eye on him,” said Leo. “I don’t think they’ll have much trouble out of him. Of course, I think the brothers are going to have to increase their supply of butter.”

“He’s still eating that?” asked Piper.

“He loves it,” said Leo. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that eating raw butter wasn’t normal.”

“As long as he’s happy and safe,” said Phoebe. “Hey, Prue likes tuna right out of the can.”

“Once,” protested Prue. “I ate it once. And that’s because grams hadn’t gone to the store yet.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” said Phoebe, smiling.

“Oh, no,” laughed Piper, “here we go again.”

The End