The Grand Emperor Of Demondom

[noazmale]

CHARMED
“The Grand Emperor Of Demondom”
By J. B. Tilton (a.k.a. NoAzMale) and Teri Thibeault (a.k.a. Tessalynne)
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Rating: K+

Disclaimer: “Charmed” and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

* * *

With the Underworld in turmoil without a leader, one demon discovers an ancient tradition that will pick the next Source of All Evil.

* * *

ONE

Several demons stood gathered in a large cavern in the Underworld. They represented the most powerful factions within the Underworld. Ordinarily most of these demons would not hesitate to destroy the others. But these were hardly ordinary circumstances.

“Okay, we’re here,” said one of the demons. “The message I received said this had to do with the most ancient of traditions in the Underworld. Who has called us here and to what traditions does this message refer?”

“I have called you here, Reeltak” said a voice from the shadows.

A demon stepped out of the shadows in the chamber. Everyone recognized the demon. His name was Kringe and all had dealt with him at one time or another.

“Bureaucracy demon,” Reeltak spat the words in distaste. “What is this all about?”

“You all know me,” said Kringe. “For centuries I have maintained the traditions of the Underworld. And as you know over the past few decades I have been creating written accounts of what were before our oral traditions.”

“We know what you do,” said another demon. “Get on with it.”

“Patience, Blator,” said Kringe, “I’m coming to that. As I was saying, I’ve been writing down the traditions that have traditionally been passed down by word of mouth. I recently came across a very ancient tradition. One that impacts the entire Underworld.”

“What tradition are you talking about?” Reeltak asked. “We’re aware of most of the traditions that affect the Underworld.”

“This one is different,” said Kringe. “It involves the Source. Or rather, his successor.”

“We all know about the successor to the Source,” said a fourth demon. “When a Source is vanquished the strongest demon takes his place.”

“Yes, ComFrei,” said Kringe, “but it was not always so. Before the last Source took power the succession was different. It has been so long since it was used most of us had forgotten about it.”

“I remember,” said an older demon. “Succession for the throne of the Source was usually determined initially by blood succession. The nearest living male relative of the Source would assume the throne.”

“Provided he was powerful enough to vanquish whichever demon had challenged the Source,” said Blator. “And now that you mention it, I remember that, too. As I recall, any demon could challenge the Source, just as they can today. Usually if the Source won, things went on as usual. If the challenger won, it became necessary to dispose of the former Source’s nearest living male relative.”

“You are correct,” said Kringe. “Originally, the position of the Source was an hereditary position. It is an ancient law which is still in effect. As with any other position, that law can be circumvented if there is no living male relative.”

“Which is why all of the Source’s male relatives were vanquished by the challenger if he won. What has that to do with us?” Reeltak’s impatience was showing.

“We have no Source,” said Kringe. “The Charmed Ones vanquished the Source who was then reborn in Belthazor. Technically, the Source still lived so no one stepped up to ascend the throne.”

“But Belthazor has returned from the Wasteland,” said ComFrei. “So doesn’t that mean he is still the Source?”

“Not technically,” said Kringe. “Control of the throne of the Source of all Evil is maintained only until the Source is vanquished. Once Belthazor was vanquished by the Charmed Ones he forfeited his right to be the Source.”

“And he does not seem interested in the throne anyway,” said Reeltak. “He hasn’t made even a single overture to regain the throne.”

“So,” said Kringe, “according to Underworld tradition, the throne of the Source falls to the nearest living male relative of the former Source.”

“Belthazor had a son,” said Blator. “A quarter demon who used to represent demons in the human court system.”

“Yes, but technically Turner was never the Source,” said Kringe. “The former Source had possessed Turner and it was he that was sitting on the throne. Besides, Belthazor’s son is mostly human. To rule the Underworld the Source must be demon. So the son of Belthazor is not eligible to ascend the throne.”

“So which demon is in succession to ascend the throne?” Blator asked.

“The nearest living male relative of the Source before Belthazor served as the Source,” said Kringe.

“I see,” said Reeltak. “So the nearest living male of the Source is the rightful heir to the throne of the Source. Which means whichever one of us can vanquish this heir can rightfully lay claim to being the new Source.”

“Well, according to tradition that’s correct,” said Kringe. “However, that may be harder to accomplish than you imagine.”

“First we must identify this heir,” said Blator.

“I have all ready identified him,” said Kringe.

”Then give us his name,” said ComFrei. “We may not be able to vanquish you but I can assure you we can make life most uncomfortable for you.”

“There is no need for violence,” said Kringe. “You will know who he is soon enough. In fact, I’ve invited him here to meet all of you. He should be here any moment.”

Just then a guardian demon stepped into the chamber.

“He has arrived,” said the guardian demon.

“Send him in,” said Kringe. “Now you will all see who the rightful heir to the throne of the Source of all Evil is.”

They all waited impatiently as the guardian escorted the demon into the chamber. Each of the demons gathered was secretly planning the method by which they would vanquish this demon and claim the throne for themselves.

The guardian demon escorted the new arrival into the chamber and then left the chamber. Everyone except Kringe simply stared in dismay at the demon that shimmered in and out of view before them. Almost as one they all sighed a groan.

“The guawdian demon said y-you wanted to see me,” stammered Elbert Egbert Klinehopper IV as he stared nervously at the gathering of demons.

[noazmale]

TWO

Paige came in the manor and let the door close behind her. Only it didn’t close completely and stayed open just a crack. Piper and Leo were in the living room talking and Phoebe was just coming down the stairs.

“Good afternoon, all,” said Paige, a very light note in her voice. “Isn’t it a beautiful day today?”

“If you say so,” said Piper sarcastically. “It’s been threatening rain all day. What’s got you in such a good mood today?”

“I got a raise,” said Paige. “My boss said I was doing such a good job that I had earned it.”

“Well, good for you,” said Phoebe, going into the living room with Piper and Leo. “You have been working extra hard lately. It’s good to see your boss appreciates all your hard work.”

“That’s what I told him,” said Paige. “And he said I could have the rest of the day off to celebrate. I thought maybe we’d all go out to dinner since I can now afford it.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Piper. “It means I don’t have to cook for a change.”

“I thought you might appreciate it,” said Paige. “So, where are we going to go?”

“Oh, that’s a hard one,” said Leo. “There are any number of good restaurants we could go to.”

“There’s a new one that just opened up on Tyler Avenue,” suggested Phoebe. “I’ve heard some good things about it.”

“Sounds good to me,” said Paige. “I’ll get cleaned up and changed and we can all go over together.”

As she turned to head for the stairs she noticed Cole standing half inside the front door.

“You really should keep this closed,” he said. “There’s no telling who might try to sneak in.”

“What do you want?” Paige asked. “I thought you knew you weren’t welcome here?”

“Well, now, that’s a good question,” said Cole. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t bother you. But I got a message telling me to come right over. I kind of figured one of you had sent it.”

“We have no reason to talk to you,” said Piper. “And we certainly didn’t send you any messages.”

“Cole, if this is your way of trying to get back with me,” began Phoebe.

“Honestly,” said Cole, holding up his hands, “I got a message at my office telling me I needed to come right over. If you guys didn’t send it, then who did?”

“I’m sure I don’t know,” said Piper in disgust. “But since we didn’t send it there’s no reason for you to hang around. So I suggest you go back to your office and just forget about it. I know I will.”

“Why would someone have Cole come here?” asked Leo.

“Perhaps I could answer that,” said a man standing on the front porch. “I sent the message to him. My instructions were to see all of you and I thought it was best if you were all together when I did.”

“And just who the hell are you?” Phoebe asked.

“Kremlack?” questioned Cole. “What are you doing here? And why are you using the front door? Why didn’t you just shimmer in if you had business here?”

“You mean he’s a demon?” Piper asked as the girls all moved into a defensive posture.

“Please, I’m not here to cause any trouble,” said the demon. “And I’m using the front door because we are no longer allowed to shimmer into a house unannounced.”

“Excuse me?” Phoebe asked. “What do you mean you aren’t allowed?”

“Just as I said,” said Kremlack. “New rules from the new Source.”

“New Source?” questioned Leo. “I hadn’t heard anything about a new Source. The last I heard there were still several demons vying for the position but none had made a move yet.”

“Cole, you know anything about a new Source?” Phoebe asked.

“Not a clue,” said Cole. “The last I heard there wasn’t a single demon powerful enough to ascend to the throne.”

“Please, if I could just do this,” said Kremlack. “This is embarrassing enough as it is without all the questions.”

“What’s embarrassing?” Phoebe asked.

“Being used as a messenger,” said Kremlack. “I was once on the personal staff of the Triad. Now they have me delivering messages. It’s really embarrassing.”

“What message?” Cole asked.

Kremlack pulled out a rolled up parchment and cleared his throat. Then he read the parchment.

“His Eminence, the First Grand Emperor of Demondom, requests the presence of the Charmed Ones, Leo Wyatt, and Cole Turner, nee Belthazor, to attend this, Thursday next, the coronation of his ascension to the throne of Demondom. Dress is formal and there will be a reception to follow to celebrate a new era for all demons. Choice of chicken, beef, or vegetarian available for the reception. R.S.V.P is required.”

Kremlack then rolled up the parchment and handed it to Piper.

“I was instructed to wait for your answer,” he said.

Everyone just stared at Kremlack in total surprise.

[noazmale]

THREE

“The Grand Emperor of Demondom?” questioned Piper. “Who the hell is that?”

“The new Source has announced that ‘Underworld’ is a very dark and depressing term,” said Kremlack, with an obvious lack of enthusiasm. “Effective immediately the Underworld is now to be known as Demondom. And as the new ruler of Demondom, ‘the Source of All Evil’ is a very unflattering title. So the Source is now to be known as the First Grand Emperor. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go find a higher level demon and see if I can get him to vanquish me.”

Without another word Kremlack turned and left the manor by the front door.

“Is this a joke?” Paige asked. “We’re being invited to attend the ascension of the new Source of All Evil?”

“It’s obviously a trap,” said Leo.

“Maybe not,” said Cole. “I’ve never heard of a Source ever sending out an invitation. It’s just announced when the ascension ceremony will take place and all appropriate demons are expected to attend. Those who don’t find it very unfavorable for them.”

“But he’s invited us,” said Phoebe. “That just doesn’t make sense. We would be the greatest enemy of anyone who became the Source. Why would the new Source invite us to his coronation if it wasn’t a trap?”

“I’ll go find out what’s going on,” said Cole. “As the former Source I would have first refusal to the position. I’m kind of interested in which demon would risk angering me to try and take the position. I’ll let you know what I find out.”

“Well, why you’re at it,” said Piper, “why don’t you R.S.V.P. for us? Please tell ‘His Eminence’ that no power in heaven or hell could force us to attend his ‘coronation’. He’ll just have to ascend without us.”

“Hear, hear,” said Phoebe.

“I’ll deliver the message,” said Cole, smiling. “It shouldn’t take long.”

Cole shimmered out of the manor leaving the others alone.

“What do you think is going on here?” Paige asked Leo. “Is this some kind of joke or something?”

“If it is, I’m not seeing the humor in it,” said Leo. “It certainly is strange that the Source would invite you to his coronation. Like Phoebe said, you would be considered his greatest enemy. But if it is a trap it’s the most transparent one I’ve ever seen. It borders on stupidity.”

“Maybe the Elders know something,” said Piper. “Leo, maybe you should check with them and see if they know what’s going on.”

“Good idea,” said Leo. “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

“This doesn’t make any sense,” said Phoebe as Leo orbed to the Elders. “If a demon is powerful and smart enough to become the next Source, why would he be stupid enough to invite us to the coronation? And how could someone become the new Source without either Cole or Leo knowing anything about it?”

“I don’t know, little sister,” said Piper. “Something strange is certainly going on here. It was my understanding that choosing a new Source always involved a sort of civil war in the Underworld. But Leo hasn’t mentioned even a rumor of any struggle going on down there. At least none except the normal type.”

“You don’t think the demons are working together, do you?” Paige asked. “Picking a new Source without the civil war?”

“That’s unlikely,” said Phoebe. “Cole used to tell me that demons don’t work together without some ulterior motives. I find it hard to believe that all the demons would let one of them ascend to the throne of the Source together. There has to be at least a couple who’d try to take advantage of the situation somehow.”

“We’ll just have to wait until Leo or Cole gets back to see what’s going on,” said Piper. “Until we know what’s going on there isn’t a whole lot we can do. But we’d better be on our toes. This could be some kind of ploy to get at us.”

Leo wasn’t gone long. Less than half an hour later he orbed back into the manor.

“The Elders haven’t heard a thing,” said Leo. “They haven’t heard from Michael in a few days, which isn’t unusual in and of itself. But they have no word about a new Source. And there’s no indication there’s any unusual fighting going on in the Underworld that normally occurs when a new Source is chosen.

”There is one odd thing the Elders mentioned. Attacks by demons on witches have dropped drastically. There are only sporadic attacks now and those have only been by some very low level demons. Hardly worth a trouble to the witches who have been attacked. It’s all very odd. It’s almost like the demonic hierarchy has decided not to attack any witches. That’s practically unheard of.”

“Maybe it’s some kind of joke,” suggested Paige. “Some kind of elaborate prank by someone with a warped sense of humor.”

“And they got a former personal assistant to the Triad to go along with it?” Piper asked. “That makes even less sense than the invitation. What would someone have to gain by such a prank?”

“Besides,” said Phoebe, “that Kremlack should have known he’d risk being vanquished just by showing up here. I can’t see a demon risking that for a prank.”

“What about Cole?” Leo asked. “Could this be his doing? Some plan he thinks would get him and Phoebe back together again?”

“I don’t think so,” said Phoebe. “It doesn’t sound like something Cole would do. Besides, he has to know by now we aren’t getting back together. No matter what he does.”

“Then I guess we have to wait until Cole gets back,” said Piper. “If anyone can find out what’s going on it should be him. When he gets back we should have our answer about what’s going on here.”

Cole shimmered into the manor about fifteen minutes later. He had a look on his face that suggested confusion.

“Well?” Piper asked. “Did you find out what’s going on?”

“I certainly did,” said Cole. “Apparently the invitation is real. We have all been invited to attend the coronation ceremony of the new Source. Or as he likes to be called, the First Grand Emperor. I extended our acceptance of the invitation.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Paige asked. “You may be invulnerable but we aren’t. Phoebe and I would be completely vulnerable in the Underworld. The baby protects Piper, you’re invulnerable, and Leo is a White Lighter. Which means if we go down there it would be like signing our own death warrants.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that,” said Cole. “Apparently the new Source has issued an edict that you aren’t to be harmed while you’re attending the coronation. And as the new leader of the Underworld I can assure you that they’ll follow his orders. No demon openly opposes the Source and lives to tell about it.”

“And you believe he issued such an order?” Leo asked. “That doesn’t sound like any Source I ever heard of.”

“Oh, he issued the order all right,” said Cole. “And every demon I spoke with has assured me that no one is about to violate that order.”

“Okay, assuming we don’t have to worry about being killed while we’re down there, what makes you think we’d even entertain the idea of going down there?” Piper asked. “I told you to tell this new Source that we wouldn’t be going.”

‘I know,” said Cole. “But under the circumstances I figured you’d probably change your mind.”

“And why on Earth would we do that?” Phoebe asked. “What would possibly make you think that we have any intentions of attending the coronation ceremony for who would undoubtedly be our greatest enemy? We nearly died fighting a previous Source. I, for one, never want to go through that again.”

“Hear, hear, big sister,” said Paige. “Once was enough for me.”

“I think this time it’s different,” said Cole, smiling. “The new Source isn’t likely to be much of a threat to the three of you.”

“The Source of All Evil not a threat to the Charmed Ones?” questioned Leo. “That would be completely contrary to everything the Source and the Underworld stand for.”

“Not in this case,” said Cole. “The new Source of All Evil? The leader of the Underworld that wants to be referred to as the First Grand Emperor? It’s Elbert.”

Leo and the girls all stared at Cole with their mouths open in total shock.

[noazmale]

FOUR

“Elbert?” questioned Phoebe. “Your cousin, Elbert? That little bureaucracy demon who was sent here to get the Book of Shadows and who can’t seem to do anything right? That Elbert?”

“One and the same,” laughed Cole. “Apparently there’s some ancient tradition in the Underworld that dictates that the nearest living male relative of a vanquished Source assumes the position. In this case, that would be Elbert. The only way for another demon to assume the throne of the Source is to vanquish all the living male relatives of the previous Source.”

“Except that bureaucracy demons can’t be vanquished,” said Leo.

“Exactly,” said Cole. “So the entire Underworld has no choice except to accept Elbert as the new Source. That explains why there have been no reports of fighting in the Underworld. Every demon high enough in the echelon to even consider trying to take the throne knows there’s nothing they can do to stop Elbert. They aren’t happy about it but there’s nothing they can do about it, either.”

“Elbert as the Source?” Piper questioned. “After what happened when he was here I shudder to think what the Underworld will be like under his rule.”

“You and every other demon in the hierarchy,” said Cole. “Apparently there are rumors about all sorts of changes Elbert has in mind for the Underworld. You know some of them. No demon can shimmer into a private residence unannounced or without permission from the occupants of that residence.”

“Well, that will certainly cut down on the demon attacks,” said Piper.

“About that,” said Cole. “Apparently His Eminence, the First Grand Emperor of Demondom, has imposed a temporary moratorium on all attacks by demons on the mortal plane. Most of the hierarchy is adhering to the moratorium but a few low level demons seem to be ignoring it. That shouldn’t last long when the hierarchy becomes aware of them. They won’t want to anger His Eminence with unauthorized attacks by their subordinates.”

“A moratorium?” questioned Leo. “I don’t think anything like that has ever happened in the Underworld.”

“There are also rumors of other changes Elbert has proposed,” said Cole. “Some of them a little weird.”

“Like what?” Phoebe asked.

“Like uniforms for the hierarchy,” said Cole. “And a loyalty oath by all demons to Demondom. Things that aren’t going to sit well with most ‘regular’ demons.”

“Well, Elbert is a bureaucracy demon,” said Paige. “I guess it’s just natural he’d want to institute a little bureaucracy into his new position.”

“A position that will affect the entire Underworld,” said Cole. “That’s why I accepted Elbert’s invitation. Any changes in the Underworld could have major repercussion. I thought it was a good idea if we learned about those changes firsthand.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Piper. “But do you really think it’s going to be safe for us down there? The entire hierarchy will be at the ascension ceremony. Not exactly the safest place for the foremost enemies of the Underworld.”

“You’ll have nothing to worry about,” said Cole. “Elbert has given specific orders that you are not to be harmed in any way. Not even an off color remark. If anything happens they’ll answer directly to Elbert. And no demon will risk offending the new Source especially at his ascension ceremony.”

“That invitation said the ceremony would be formal,” said Paige. “Any idea what ‘formal’ means in the Underworld?”

“Well, from past experience,” said Cole, “that would normally mean some specially crafted robes. But that’s been changing over the last few years. Demons have been trying to blend in more easily with humans so many of them have taken to wearing more conventional clothes, even in the Underworld. I would imagine that ‘formal’ would mean whatever is most appropriate for the demons – or humans – in question.”

“Well, I’m certainly not wearing my best outfit to the Underworld,” said Phoebe. “Even if it is for an ascension ceremony. I say we dress nice but nothing too fancy.”

“Good idea,” said Piper. “The invitation says the ceremony was next Thursday. That gives us three days to get ready. I just wonder what kind of reception we’ll receive when we get there?”

“I guess we’ll find out in three days,” said Leo.

* * *

Their appearance in the Underworld initially went completely unnoticed. Cole had suggested they arrive in an out of the way location just in case any demons had ideas different from their standing orders. As they made their way through the caverns of the Underworld, Cole led the way. Being virtually indestructible they felt that would give them the best advantage if they were attacked.

They had been walking for only a few minutes when Cole called them to a halt. He was peering around the corner of a passage just ahead. He said they should be near the coronation ceremony. He also started to chuckle to himself.

“Well, this is certainly different,” he exclaimed.

The others peered around the corner to see what was so humorous. What they saw caused them all to stifle a laugh. On either side of a chamber directly ahead were two demon, obviously guards for that chamber. But the demons didn’t look like any demons they had ever seen. Physically they appeared no different from any other demons. But their attire was unlike anything worn by other demons.

The demon on the left was wearing a bell bottom leisure suit that was baby blue in color. This was contrasted by an extremely bright green shirt with a wide flared shirt. He was wearing very high platform shoes that were virtually identical in color to the leisure suit.

The demon on the right was wearing a leisure suit nearly identical to the first, with the exception that this one was a lime green in color. He was also wearing an extremely bright orange shirt with a wide flared collar. This was topped of with a pair of very high platform shoes the same color as the suit. The two demons were talking and it was obvious they were not happy about something. Covering the entrance to the chamber was a curtain made completely of beads.

“Well, at least the shoes match the suit,” giggled Piper.

“I know those two,” said Cole. “The one on the left is Lerrick. The one on the right is Tamlon. I’ve worked with them before. They used to be very respected mercenaries. It’s hard to imagine they would consent to wearing such outlandish suits.”

“Aren’t those suits about thirty years out of style?” Paige said, stifling a giggle.

“More than that,” said Leo. “Those particular styles were in fashion in the late 60s. You think this is what Elbert meant by ‘uniforms’?”

“Well, you’ve seen the way he dresses,” said Cole. “What do you think?”

“I think unless we want to tick them off we’d better not mention those suits,” said Phoebe. “They’re enough to put Mother Theresa in a bad mood.”

Nonchalantly the five strolled into the corridor and up to the chamber. When the two demons saw them they just rolled their eyes, and then mustered as much dignity as they could. Which wasn’t much dignity at all.

“Hello Lerrick, Tamlon,” said Cole, holding out the invitation Kremlack had given them. “We’ve been invited to the ascension coronation.”

“Belthazor,” said Tamlon. “It’s been a long time. I see the rumors about your return from the Wasteland were true.”

“Yeah,” said Cole. “These are the Charmed Ones and their White Lighter, Leo Wyatt.”

“We were informed you would be coming,” said Lerrick. “Our orders are to admit you immediately. His Eminence seems to be extremely interested in seeing you.” He turned to the girls. “You can rest assured that while you are here no demon will take any action against you. The First Grand Emperor has ordered you be treated as honored dignitaries.”

“Thanks,” said Piper, putting her hand to her mouth to cover a smile she just couldn’t seem to stifle. “We appreciate that.”

“You may go in immediately,” said Tamlon. “He’s expecting you.”

“Good to see you again, Tamlon,” said Cole. “I hope we have a chance to sit down and talk later.”

“I do, too,” said the demon. “And thanks, Belthazor.”

“For what?” Cole asked.

Tamlon looked down at his suit with a disgusted look on his face and then looked back up at Cole.

“Just thanks,” he said.

“Don’t mention it,” said Cole, stifling a smile.

“I won’t,” said Tamlon. “To anyone. Ever.”

Covering a smile, Cole led the others into the chamber ahead. They parted the beaded curtain and stepped inside. Inside the chamber was a sight that none of them had expected. And that none of them, in their wildest imaginations, would have thought even possible.

Covering nearly every inch of the walls were drape-like items the same baby blue as Lerrick’s leisure suit. Hanging from the ceiling was a canopy the same bright green as Lerrick’s shirt. In each corner was a free standing pedestal, each holding what looked suspiciously like lava lamps popular in the 70s on earth. The floor was covered in what appeared to be a very expensive looking Persian carpet.

Standing around the room were male demons dresses similarly to the two demons outside the chamber. In addition, some of the demons were wearing bright yellow leisure suits, high platform shoes the same shade of yellow, with bright pink, wide collared shirts. All of the demons looked less than amused.

In the back of the room was a throne. It was fully three times as large as any throne any of them had ever heard about. It was gold plated and encrusted with numerous precious and semi-precious stones.

Standing near the throne were several female demons. Each of the female demons was dressed as harem girls from ancient times, wearing the very skimpy outfits often depicted in Arabian stories. Every one of the girls was blonde; a fact that was extremely unusual for female demons, according to Cole. And it appeared to everyone that one of the female demons was peeling grapes and feeding them to Elbert.

Sitting on the throne was Elbert. He was wearing the same burnt orange leisure suit and bright purple shirt he had been wearing the first time the girls had encountered him. He was also wearing a bright purple cape that was obviously three times as long as was necessary that was fringed in gold. And on his head was a large gold crown encrusted with numerous stones similar to the ones in the throne. Each time Elbert pushed his glasses back up his nose, the crown would shift, nearly falling off his head. As he adjusted the crown, the glasses would again slide down his nose.

“Holy cow,” said Paige, looking around the chamber, “except for the leisure suits and the lava lamps, this looks like something straight out of ‘The Arabian Nights’.”

As Paige spoke, Elbert looked up and a look of recognition crossed his face.

“Pu . . ., er, that is, Cole, I’m so glad you could make it,” shouted Elbert rising from the throne. “Piper, Phoebe, and Paige. You made it, too. And Leo. I’m even glad to see you. I was so elated when Kremlack told me you would be here. It wouldn’t be the same without the five of you here.”

Elbert began to run down the three steps that ran up to the dais on which the throne sat. As he reached the bottom step the purple cape he was wearing got tangled in his feet. Elbert went sprawling on his face, the cape nearly covering his entire body. His glasses fell from his face and bounced on the carpet several feet away. The crown he was wearing fell off his head and rolled across the carpet, coming to stop only after it rolled against Cole’s leg. Elbert pulled the cape from his head and looked up at the five people standing in front of him.

“Oops,”

[noazmale]

FIVE

“If I’m not mistaken, Elbert,” said Piper picking up his glasses and handing them to him as he extricated himself from the cape, “that was one of the first things you said when we first met you.”

“You will address him as Your Eminence or First Grand Emperor,” said one of the male demons in the room, moving up to the group.

“Oh, ease up,” said Paige.

“No, no, it’s all right, Tempek,” said Elbert, standing up and putting his glasses on. “These are my very closest friends. It’s quite all right.”

The demon simply bowed to Elbert and then took his place against the wall.

“I think you dropped this,” said Cole, handing the crown to Elbert.

“What? Oh, yeah. It’s kind of heavy, you know. I haven’t quite gotten used to wearing it.”

“You ever think of not wearing it?” Paige asked.

“Oh, I have to,” protested Elbert. “I’m the First Grand Emperor of Demondom. It’s important that I present an air of regal sophistication. The crown and the throne are absolutely essential to that.”

“First Grand Emperor?” questioned Leo. “Demondom? Elbert, it’s been the Underworld and the Source of All Evil for millennia. Changing those now just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Of course it does,” said Elbert. “Underworld is such a depressing term. There’s no reason we can’t call our home something a bit more upbeat. And I think Demondom is very appropriate. After all, it is the land of demons.”

“But First Grand Emperor?” questioned Phoebe. “Isn’t that a bit egotistical?”

“Not for the demon who rules Demondom,” said Elbert. “The Source of All Evil is such an unflattering and limiting term. The ruler does much more than just dispense evil. He rules all demons. And they have a great many projects going on at any one time. He’s more like an Emperor.” He lowered his voice. “Besides, very soon dispensing evil will be a thing of the past.”

“Your Eminence,” said a demon, walking up to Elbert and the others.

“Oh, Kringe, good you’re here,” said Elbert. “May I present the famous Charmed Ones and their White Lighter, Leo Wyatt. And I think you all ready know my cousin, Belthazor.”

“A pleasure, I’m sure,” said Kringe.

“Kringe is the one who discovered the tradition that made me the new Source,” said Elbert. “If not for him I wouldn’t be here now.”

“So you’re the one we have to thank for this,” said Cole.

“Simply performing my function,” said Kringe. “If I may, Your Eminence. With regard to the invitation that the Charmed Ones and their White Lighter attend the ascension coronation. It is most unusual, Sire. It is unprecedented in the entire history of the Under . . . that is, Demondom. Are you sure it’s wise to have them down here?”

“We are having a traditional ceremony,” said Elbert. “And tradition dictates that those closest to the new leader attend the ceremony. That tradition goes back several thousand years.”

“Yes, Sire, I’m aware of that. But three females and a White Lighter? I’m afraid the repercussions may be . . . unfortunate.”

“There won’t be any repercussions. I’ve given specific instructions that they are to be left alone while they’re here.”

“Of course, Sire,” said Kringe. “As you wish. I felt it necessary to express my concerns in the matter.”

“Sure, Kringe, no problem. That’s why you are here, isn’t it?”

“Amongst other things. Now, if Your Eminence will excuse me, I have a number of proclamations to prepare.”

“Oh, yeah, the proclamations,” said Elbert. “By all means, go, prepare the proclamations.”

“Proclamations?” questioned Cole. “What proclamations?”

Before Elbert could answer there was a commotion at the chamber entrance. They all turned to see a large demon rush into the chamber holding a parchment in one hand. The demon stood some seven feet tall and his skin was a dark green - nearly black - with bright yellow markings. The markings were vaguely reminiscent of the late Belthazor. His eyes glowed bright red like two piercing spotlights in the dark. His black robes fluttered about him as he walked straight to Elbert.

“What in the Underworld is the meaning of this?” screamed the demon, standing mere inches from Elbert. “You have issued an edict dictating that all demons are to wear these ridiculous clothes I see all about me? Those horrid leisure suits that make any demon wearing them look like so many buffoons? And you expect all demons to wear such atrocious garb?”

“M . . .M . . .Mawevant,” stammered Elbert, “cawm down.”

“I will not calm down,” said Malevant, forming a fireball. He looked over at the girls, Leo, and Cole. “You decorate this chamber like a brothel on the mortal realm. You allow humans to appear here without any threat at all. And now you demand that demons wear outfits that make them to appear to be nothing more than ludicrous clowns? This is not acceptable, not acceptable at all.”

“M . . . M . . . Mawevant, that’s enough,” said Elbert, taking a step back. “You . . . you . . . you have n . . . no call to come in h . . . here scweaming like that. I . . . I’m the Furst Gwand Emperor of Demondom. Y . . . you will show me the wespect I deserwv.”

“I will not,” screamed Malevant. “You make a mockery of all that we are. I will not stand by while you . . . .”

“Uh, Malevant,” said Cole, “he is the rightful ruler of the Underworld. And as his personal adviser I do believe you are sworn to support and abide by his decrees.”

“Yes, but,” protested Malevant.

“But nothing,” said Cole. “Despite how you may feel personally you did swear an oath to the Source of All Evil. And an outburst like this is, at the very least, insubordinate. Now, is that the type of behavior you want to portray to the Underworld? To the subordinate demons you command? What type of message do you think that sends to those subordinates?”

Malevant calmed himself. He extinguished the fireball and mustering all the control he could he turned back to Elbert.

“Forgive me, my Lord,” said Malevant through clenched teeth. “I forgot myself momentarily. My outburst was uncalled for. If I may have a moment of your time – at your leisure, of course – so that we might discuss this, um, most unorthodox decree.”

“Well, uh, that’s bettew,” said Elbert. “You, uh, you need to wearn bettew contwol and self-discipwin. If you want we can talk about the decwee when I have time. For now, I think you bettew have a time out and think about your outbuwst.”

“I beg your pardon?” questioned Malevant, barely able to control his temper.

“You heard me,” said Elbert, pointing to one of the corners in the chamber. “A time out. Go on. You’ll thank me fow it waiter.”

Malevant’s fists clenched and unclenched as he turned and walked to the corner Elbert had pointed to. As embarrassing as it was, he also realized that his outburst might give his subordinates – and other subordinate demons – reason to think they could react in the same way. That could cause untold chaos in the Underworld. He stepped into the corner just barely keeping his temper in check.

“Well, I think we’ve had quite enough excitement for a while,” said Elbert. “I’m tired. Show our guests to their chambers. I’m going to lie down for a while.”

As he turned and rushed from the chamber a demon in a lime green leisure suit led the girls, Leo, and Cole to a chamber specially prepared for them.

[noazmale]

SIX

“I know it’s not funny,” laughed Piper in their chamber, “but to see Elbert put a demon in a time out. That was just priceless. And Malevant, no less. I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep a straight face until we got out of there.”

“Malevant’s not going to be happy, that’s for sure,” said Cole. “But Elbert is still afraid of him. Did you notice him start to stutter as soon as Malevant came into the chamber? He always stutters when he’s afraid or nervous.”

“Yeah, we remember you telling us that before,” said Paige. “At least he didn’t start shimmering in and out like he used to. I don’t think I could have held it together if he had done that.”

“He does seem to have gotten better control over his shimmering of late,” said Cole. “In a way, becoming the new Source has been good for Elbert. He’s gained a great deal more confidence since this happened.”

“I feel sorry for Michael,” said Leo. “He’s had to endure a lot staying in the Underworld but that has to be one of the worst things he’s ever had to go through.”

“That would be an understatement,” said Malevant from the doorway to their chamber.

“Michael,” said Phoebe.

“Please, it’s Malevant down here,” said Malevant. “A mistake like that could be fatal in the Underworld.”

“Oh, right, sorry,” said Paige.

“We’re sorry, uh, Malevant,” said Piper. “We didn’t mean to laugh at you. But seeing Elbert standing there, ordering you into a time out. You have to admit it is kind of funny.”

“I can deal with that,” said Malevant. “And I can imagine how it must have looked. But we have a much more serious situation to deal with.”

“Aren’t you concerned that some demons might get suspicious that you’ve come to talk with us?” Cole asked. “Your ‘hatred’ of humanity is legendary in the Underworld. It might seem odd that you’d come to speak with humans considering that.”

“Not with what I have to talk with you about,” said Malevant. “Personally, I have nothing against Elbert. For a demon, he’s not much but he is basically harmless. But some of the changes he has in mind could have some serious repercussions. It could conceivably lead to a civil war in the Underworld.”

“That’s not good,” said Leo. “A civil war could well erupt onto the mortal plane. And that could involve innocents in it.”

“Exactly,” said Malevant. “For now the hierarchy is abiding by Elbert’s decrees. But a lot of them are less than happy with the changes. It’s only a matter of time before they get fed up completely and then there’s going to be trouble.”

“What kinds of changes are we talking about?” Cole asked. “Something more than the obvious ones we’ve seen so far, I assume.”

“That’s just the tip of the proverbial iceberg,” said Malevant. “For one thing, he’s planning on instituting a union in the Underworld.”

“A union?” questioned Leo. “You mean, like, a demonic union?”

“Yes,” said Malevant. “Complete with rules and union dues and the works. A demonic union for bureaucracy demons is perfectly normal. But for the Underworld at large it is a bad idea.”

“Yes, I can see that,” said Cole. “That’s a really bad idea. That alone is enough to make half the Underworld revolt.”

“That’s not all,” said Malevant. “He’s also insisting on a loyalty oath by all demons of fifth level or higher. He’s also forbidden any demon from vanquishing a subordinate for any reason. And he says he’s planning on granting a general amnesty to all political prisoners.”

“Political prisoners?” questioned Paige.

“Banished demons,” said Malevant. “He says that those demons have been banished because of political reasons. And since there’s a ‘new administration’, so to speak, he feels that it’s necessary to make a clean start.”

“He can’t do that,” said Cole. “Most of those demons were banished for a reason. If he grants them amnesty and they return to the Underworld there’s going to be serious trouble. And that could spill over into the mortal realm as well.”

“You need to talk to him,” said Piper. “You’re his primary advisor. Advise him these are all bad ideas.”

“I’ve tried,” said Malevant. “He won’t listen to me. He won’t listen to anyone. He says he’s the First Grand Emperor and the decision is his. But I think he might listen to you guys.”

“Why’s that?” Phoebe asked.

“He raves about you all the time,” said Malevant. “It’s obvious he likes and respects you a great deal. Especially ‘cousin Pudge’.”

“I’ve asked him to stop calling me that,” said Cole.

“I think he is trying to,” said Malevant. “Almost as soon as he says it he’ll change it to ‘Cole’. So you have to give him credit for trying. He keeps telling any demon who will listen how much he’s learned from you and how much you’ve helped him. So I think you guys might have a chance of convincing him just how bad these ideas are.”

“We’ll certainly give it a shot,” said Piper. “But you have to remember he’s a bureaucracy demon. As long as the rules allow it or at the very least don’t forbid it even we might have trouble getting him to change his mind.”

“Just try, that’s all I ask,” said Malevant. “Ordinarily problems like this would be easy to deal with. I could gather enough high level demons to vanquish him and it would all be over. But as you know, bureaucracy demons can’t be vanquished. That puts a whole different spin on it.”

“Yes, it does,” said Leo. “We’ll talk to Elbert and see what we can do. That’s all we can promise.”

“Thanks,” said Malevant. “I’d really like to diffuse the situation before it gets any worse. I’d better be going. If I stay too long then it will begin to look suspicious.”

“This is serious,” said Cole after Malevant left. “Most new Sources make changes to the Underworld. It’s almost expected. But to go to such extremes is outrageous even for Elbert.”

“Come on,” said Piper. “Maybe we can put an end to all this before his ascension ceremony.”

With Cole in the lead they all went to Elbert’s’ quarters. As before they found two demons on guard outside the chamber. Also they were allowed admittance without question. One of the demon guards told them that Elbert had given instructions that they could go wherever they wanted to.

As they entered the chamber they found Elbert stretched out on a comfortable bed as a female demon, dressed in the now familiar harem costume and blonde hair, sat peeling grapes and feeding them to Elbert. Three other female demons lounged around in the room apparently waiting for their masters’ beck and call.

“Is she peeling grapes for you?” Phoebe asked.

“Oh, uh, hi,” said Elbert, sitting up. “Oh, yeah. That’s her job. She’s the official grape peeler.”

“Official grape peeler?” questioned Paige. “You have an official grape peeler?”

“Well she has to have some job,” said Elbert. “They all do.”

“All who?” asked Piper.

“The harem,” said Elbert. “All the really great leaders had harems. Oh, not so much today, but in the past it was a really big thing. Roman Emperors, Solomon, most of the kings of history had harems. As the First Grand Emperor of Demondom it only stands to reason I should have a harem.”

“What about the blonde hair?” Cole asked. “There aren’t that many demons, male or female, with naturally blonde hair.”

“Oh, it’s not natural,” said Elbert. “It’s part of the rules. The demonesses that belong to my harem must have blonde hair. So they die it for me. I kind of have a thing for blondes.”

“And you’ve given them each a job?” questioned Leo.

“Well, what else is a harem for?” Elbert asked. “They attend to my personal needs. That’s what harems do. I must admit I’m having trouble finding jobs for all of them but I will eventually.”

“You mean aside from their primary job?” Phoebe asked.

“What are you talking about?” Elbert said. “They each have a primary job.”

“Elbert, you do know what the purpose of a harem is, don’t you?” Piper asked.

“Of course,” said Elbert. “They attend to the personal needs of the emperor. They take care of his clothes, prepare his meals, run errands for him, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, right,” said Phoebe. “Actually the traditional purpose of a harem was to, uh, how shall I put this? Cole, you want to help us out here.”

Cole just smiled and leaned over and then whispered in Elbert’s ear. Elbert was slowly shaking his head up and down when suddenly his eyes widened to nearly twice their normal size.

“You mean they have to,” began Elbert. “That they . . . . As in . . . . Oh, this isn’t good. Not good at all. Alyssa will never understand that. Not in a million years.”

“Who is Alyssa?” Phoebe asked.

“Oh, her,” said Elbert. “She’s an Associate Professor of Financial Accounting at the Bureaucratic University for Wayward Administrative Assistants where I work. We’ve been kind of dating for a while.”

“Dating?” questioned Paige. “That’s great.”

“Yeah,” said Elbert, “but she’ll never understand this. Bureaucracy demons are monogamous. And they never, ever . . . . Oh, this isn’t good at all.”

“Well, Elbert,” said Piper, “you could pass on the harem. There’s no rule that says you have to have a harem. Is there?”

“Well, no,” said Elbert. “But it is a sign of an emperor. Like I said, most of them throughout history have had them.”

“But you don’t have to have one,” said Phoebe.

“Okay, everyone out,” said Elbert to the girls. “Go on, do whatever it is that you do. I want to be alone with my friends.”

The female demons bowed to Elbert and then left the chamber.

“Now that that’s taken care of,” said Cole, “we’d like to talk to you about some of the changes you have in mind for the Underworld.”

“Yeah, aren’t they great?” Elbert asked. “I think the uniforms are especially nice. I designed them myself.”

“Considering the color combinations, I have no doubt about that,” said Paige. “If I remember correctly, you’re color blind, aren’t you, Elbert?”

“And dyslexic,” said Elbert. “But that hasn’t stopped me from becoming the new leader of the Underworld. I’m going to be a great role model for other dyslexic demons.”

“There are other dyslexic demons?” Piper asked.

“Sure,” said Elbert. “My sister, Amaratus, is also dyslexic.”

“You have a sister?” Phoebe asked.

“Elbert has five sisters and four brothers,” said Cole. “He comes from a very big family.”

“Well, that’s new,” said Phoebe. “We never knew you had any brothers or sisters.”

“Half brothers and sisters, actually,” said Elbert. “Mom was married before she married dad. I’m the youngest. Boy, is Cladin going to be jealous. Cladin, he’s my oldest brother. He always said I’d never amount to anything. Am I going to show him.”

“I take it this Cladin is kind of important,” said Leo.

“Well, he was,” said Elbert. “He’s retired now. Been retired for a couple of hundred years.”

“A retired demon?” said Phoebe. “I didn’t know demons ever retired.”

“Oh, he does something else now,” said Elbert. “Lots of demons retire from one job and then move on to something else. Considering what he used to do I always thought he was right. That I’d never amount to anything. Now I’m going to show him.”

“What did he do that was so important?” Leo asked.

“Oh, he created the Brotherhood of the Thorn,” said Elbert. “After he retired, Vornac took over as the head of the Brotherhood. Wait until he learns that I’m now in charge of the entire Underworld. He’s going to be so jealous.”

“Elbert’s brother created the Brotherhood of the Thorn?” Piper asked Cole. “The same Brotherhood you belonged to?”

“Yeah,” sighed Cole. “He’s one of the most efficient demons who has ever existed. And when he shows up for the ascension ceremony he’s not going to be very happy that Elbert has risen so high in the hierarchy. Then there’s really going to be trouble.”

[noazmale]

SEVEN

“Oh,” said Elbert. “I’ve forgotten about that. Yeah, he is going to be kind of ticked off, isn’t he?”

“Why would this Cladin be so upset that Elbert has risen to become the Source?” said Paige. “I’d think he’d be happy one of his brothers has done so well.”

“Yeah, well, Cladin and I have never gotten along all that well,” said Elbert. “I’m the only bureaucracy demon in the family, now that papa is gone. Cladin was always upset that I didn’t have to be worried about being vanquished. He said it wasn’t fair that someone like me should get that and not him. He can be kind of mean sometimes.”

“Besides, it might be like that in human families,” said Cole, “but demonic families are a different story. Pride in a human family is more often jealousy in demonic families.”

“If you’re the only bureaucracy demon in your family,” said Phoebe, “that means your father was a bureaucracy demon and not your mother. But you told us your father had been vanquished. That’s how you became the step-son of the Source.”

“Yes, well, not all bureaucracy demons are born to other bureaucracy demons,” said Elbert. “It’s what’s called a ‘recessive gene’ that many ‘normal’ demons carry. Most of the time this latent gene never surfaces. Once in a while, such as in my case, it becomes dominant. Both my mother and my father were ‘normal’ demons who had the gene. That makes it a ‘double recessive gene’. It’s kind of rare but it does happen.”

“Oh, okay,” said Phoebe. “I guess we just all assumed that all bureaucracy demons came from other bureaucracy demons.”

“Normally, yes,” said Elbert, “but sometimes . . . .”

“This is all well and good,” said Piper, “but we need to talk to you, Elbert. We’ve heard about some of the changes you have in mind for the Underworld.”

“Oh, yes,” said Elbert. “Once I’m done the Underworld will be much more efficient than it ever was.”

“But Elbert,” said Cole, “some of your ideas are, shall we say, not going to sit well with the demonic hierarchy.”

“Such as the new ‘uniforms’,” said Paige. “No offense, Elbert, but they look ridiculous. And expecting senior demons like Malevant to wear something that outlandish, it’s just not reasonable.”

“But uniforms can be such a unifying force,” protested Elbert. “It shows that they’re all one group. Still, m . . . maybe m . . . making Malevant wear one wasn’t such a g . . . good idea. He scares me.”

“Elbert, you can’t be vanquished,” said Cole. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“He still scares me,” said Elbert.

“Okay, how about this?” questioned Paige. “Lots of companies have uniforms for their employees. But their management personnel aren’t required to wear them. How about demons at the higher levels being exempt from your ‘uniform rule’?” That might smooth a few feathers at least in the short run.”

“Oh, that’s good,” said Elbert. “I hadn’t thought of that. I like it. How about . . . demons first level and above don’t have to wear the uniforms? You think that will be okay?”

“It’s a start,” said Piper. “There are some other things you might want to reconsider. Like a demonic union for one. That’s really not a good idea.”

“Oh, of course it is,” said Elbert. “This place is so disorganized. Have you seen how they fight and argue with each other? Why, demons routinely vanquish subordinates just because they’re upset. And most of the time it’s because the demons don’t have a clearly defined set of rules to guide them.

“A union will change all that. Unions have well defined parameters with rules and regulations that are clearly spelled out. If there’s a dispute over something a union has arbitrators and shop stewards and things like that who can straighten things out with a minimum of fuss. No demon ever has to worry about being vanquished again simply because their superior is upset with them. That happens an awfully lot around here.”

“That’s the way it works in the Underworld,” said Cole. “Demons rule by fear and intimidation, the stronger ruling the weaker. It’s always been like that. It’s the nature of demons. Instituting a union won’t change any of that.”

“It will when we start living peacefully with humans,” said Elbert. “Humans will be able to teach demons how to live together and be more tolerant. Humans can be very tolerant, you know. It make take a while but it will happen, you’ll see.”

“Demons living with humans?” Leo questioned. “Elbert, that is never going to happen. How do you expect to get humans and demons to live together peacefully?”

“Why, with a demon embassy on the mortal realm, of course,” said Elbert. “It’s the perfect solution. We put a demonic embassy on the mortal realm and then humans and demons can learn all about each other. They fear each other because they don’t understand about each other. With an embassy on the mortal realm – and possibly a mortal embassy in the Underworld – that will all change.”

“Elbert, that’s a crazy idea,” said Cole. “In the first place, no demon is ever going to agree to be an ambassador on the mortal realm. They’ll want to control the humans and take over.”

“That’s why I have the perfect choice for the ambassador,” said Elbert. “I know the perfect demon to be the ambassador.”

“And just who might that be?” Cole asked.

“Why you, of course, Pu . . . er, Cole,” said Elbert. “You.”

[noazmale]

EIGHT

“Me?” questioned Cole. “Elbert, that’s just ridiculous.”

“No it isn’t,” said Elbert. “You’re perfect. You’re half human. That means you understand humans and demons. You can teach them about each other and get them to start living together peacefully.”

“First of all,” said Cole, “I’m no longer half demon. Belthazor was stripped from me a long time ago. Secondly, demons and humans will never learn to live together peacefully. It’s not in their nature and as we said, you can’t change their nature.”

“Then as First Grand Emperor I’ll order you to become the ambassador,” said Elbert, mustering more courage than Cole had ever seen in the little demon. “I am now ruler of Demondom and you are honor bound to follow my orders.”

“That isn’t going to happen,” said Cole. “I’m no longer a part of the Underworld. So you can’t order me to do anything. And I’m practically invulnerable. I can’t be vanquished, just like you. So there’s nothing you can do to make me become a demonic ambassador.”

“Oh, but you have to,” said Elbert with a whine in his voice. “It works out perfectly. An embassy on the mortal realm with you as the ambassador and an embassy in the White Lighter realm. With Leo as the ambassador to the Underworld. It’s perfect. Once we get all the embassies in place everyone can start learning about each other and we can all start getting along again.”

“A demonic embassy on the White Lighter realm?” questioned Leo. “With me as a ambassador? Elbert, the Elders will simply never agree to that.”

“Oh, but they have to,” said Elbert. “I plan to put a stop to all the fighting that’s been going on. I can’t do that unless we have embassies on each plane. It’s the cornerstone of my whole plan.”

“Elbert,” said Phoebe, “we know what you’re trying to do and we appreciate it, we really do. But Cole and Leo are right. Simply knowing about each other isn’t going to stop all the fighting. Demons and humans are mortals enemies and always have been. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

“But it works for bureaucracy demons,” said Elbert. “You’ve seen how we get along. Even when we don’t agree with the rules we follow them. We can do the same thing with the rest of the Underworld.”

“No, Elbert, you can’t,” said Cole. “Bureaucracy demons follow the rules because it’s their nature. ‘Normal’ demons could no sooner follow those rules than bureaucracy demons could not follow them. They’re just two separate creatures.”

“But,” Elbert began to protest.

“Forgive me sire,” said Kringe from the doorway to the chamber, “but I’m afraid there is something that demands your immediate attention.”

“Now?” questioned Elbert. “But I’m about to win them over.”

“I’m afraid we have put off the matter for far too long, sire,” said Kringe. “As you are well aware, the edicts you have decided to implement are to take affect immediately upon your coronation. In order for that to occur it is necessary that you personally sign all of the necessary paperwork involved with each edict.”

“Can’t I delegate that to someone?” Elbert asked. “I am the ruler of the Underworld. I shouldn’t have to be bothered with some paperwork.”

“As my Lord is aware,” said Kringe, “that is not possible. Edicts that affect the entire Underworld can only be implemented by the ruler of the Underworld. And as I’m sure you’re also aware, book 3 section 12, paragraph 19, sub-paragraph 4 of the Bureaucratic Rules and Procedures clearly stipulates such edits are not valid or binding until all the necessary paperwork has been properly completed.”

“Okay,” said Elbert, “I’ll establish a new edict. The ruler of the Underworld is now able to delegate the signing of paperwork to any competent assistant. Prepare the paperwork on that edict and I’ll sign it immediately.”

“In that case, Sire,” said Kringe, “it will be necessary to appoint a committee to examine and evaluate the proposed edict. It will, of course, be required do an in-depth research of any previous similar edicts and their effectiveness. Once the committee has made a determination on the matter they will forward their recommendations regarding the proposed edict. Then the ruling bureaucratic council must review the edicts, along with any proposed changes or alterations to it. If, all goes favorably, you may then sign the edict and it will go into affect immediately.”

“And just how long would all of that take?” Paige asked.

“Considering the urgency of the matter,” said Kringe, “I believe we could expedite the process. I should imagine it shouldn’t take more than six or eight weeks to get the edict passed.”

“Eight weeks?” screamed Elbert. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Considering the magnitude of this particular edict, Sire,” said Kringe, “I believe it wise to adhere strictly to the letter of the appropriate regulations. Regulations which I’m sure Your Eminence is clearly aware of.”

“Yes,” sighed Elbert. “I’m aware of the regulations. Okay, Kringe. Let’s get this over with. The sooner I get the edicts signed the sooner it will be over. Bring them in here and I’ll sign them immediately.”

“I believe, Sire,” said Kringe, “it would be better if you came with me to sign the edicts. They have all ready been sorted into the appropriate sections and it might be complicated if we moved them at this juncture.”

“Fine, fine,” said Elbert. “Lead on.”

Kringe turned and left the chamber, the others close behind. They followed the twists and turns of the passages in the Underworld. Kringe seemed to know exactly where he was going. Elbert and Cole didn’t seem concerned. But the girls and Leo were hopelessly lost. Within minutes they came to another, larger chamber which Kringe entered immediately, followed close behind by Elbert.

The girls, Leo, and Cole followed them into the chamber and were completely overwhelmed by what they saw. Stacks of paper nearly six feet in height filled the chamber. Several small demons were looking through the piles of papers and sorting them into other piles.

Five of the largest demons any of them had seen were busily carrying in huge piles of papers. The piles of papers were so heavy that the huge demons had trouble carrying them in. They set the piles of papers down next to the smaller demons, and then left the chamber to get more papers.

“What in the world is all this?” Phoebe asked.

“These are the edicts that His Eminence, the First Grand Emperor of Demondom, has decided to enact,” said Kringe. “As well as all relevant discussions, suggestions, and other paperwork involved with those edicts.”

“All this?” shrieked Elbert. “How much of this do I have to sign?”

“Why, all of it, Sire,” said Kringe. “There are the actual edicts themselves. They must be signed to become legal. Then there are the evaluations of the committee appointed to examine the proposed edicts. You must sign those indicating you have read and agree with any alterations or changes to the edicts. There are also the reviews by the ruling bureaucratic council along with their comments and opinions which must be signed to indicate that you have read and agree with any alterations or changes they have been made to the edicts.

“In addition there are the various aspects of research and cross-referencing involved with the edicts. Considering the scope of these particular edits there wasn’t much to research. So the caseload is somewhat light. All of the research and cross-referencing must be signed to indicate that they have been properly performed and that no aspect has been overlooked. And finally there are the notes and personal observations of the researchers and committee members that you must sign to show that they were properly considered. All in all everything is quite normal and within the rules and regulations as specified in the New Edicts and Modified Rules Bureaucratic Handbook.”

“You’ve got to be kidding?” questioned Paige. “All that just to instituted a few new rules in the Underworld?”

“Actually,” said Kringe, “these are only those edicts which the First Grand Emperor decided to implement last week. The ones he decided to implement this week are still in research and cross-referencing. The ones he is planning to implement next week are currently in evaluation committee.”

“You mean there’s going to be more of these?” Piper asked. “I never knew there was so much work involved when the Source issued a new edict.”

“Well, Kringe is right,” said Elbert. “Those are the normal procedures when a new edict has been declared. Now you see why Uncle Elbert, er, that is, Uncle Source didn’t devote every minute he had to fighting you. He had much more to do than just fight good. Hopefully when I’m through will all my new changes there will be less paperwork needed.”

“It sounds to me like you’re just creating more paperwork,” said Cole. “Elbert, are you really sure all of your new edicts are absolutely necessary?”

“Oh, yes,” said Elbert. “They’re going to make the Underworld more efficient than it’s ever been.”

“Only once the edicts have been signed, my Lord,” said Kringe. “And at least the edicts and the committee evaluations must be signed before your coronation or they will not go into effect when you ordered. In which case it will be necessary to go through the process all over again in order to make sure they are still current and up to date.”

“Well,” sighed Elbert, “you’re right, of course. If you will all excuse me I’ll sign them right away. I’ll have just enough time to get them all signed before the coronation.”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to leave His Highness alone while he signs them,” said Kringe. “You may wait in the chamber arranged for you until the coronation ceremony.”

The girls, Leo, and Cole all left the chamber so that Elbert could sign the edicts.

* * *

“It just seems ridiculous to have to sign all that paperwork,” said Phoebe.

“We’re talking about bureaucracy demons,” said Cole. “And you know bureaucracies. They can never do anything simple. It’s the nature of bureaucracies.”

“Still,” said Paige, “Elbert seemed a bit overwhelmed by all the paperwork. It’s strange. You would have thought he would be expecting that. Considering the edicts he’s planning to implement.”

“Maybe he just wasn’t prepared for the amount of paperwork,” said Paige. “I know I deal with bureaucracies all the time and sometimes I’m still amazed at the amount of paperwork some of them can generate. Not to mention some of the idiotic rules they have to follow.”

“That’s a bureaucracy for you,” said Leo. “But it seems we didn’t have any more luck changing Elbert’s mind than Malevant had. We have to think of something else.”

“Well, we have some time to think of something,” said Piper. “What about convincing Elbert not to become the Source? If we could do that then he wouldn’t have the need or the authority to pass any edicts.”

“I’m not sure that’s even possible,” said Cole. “No demon has ever refused to be the Source. In fact, the ones who have become the Source have fought for the honor.”

“But there must be some contingency plan for something like that,” said Paige. “Bureaucracies love contingency plans even if they never have to use them.”

“I’m sure there is,” said Cole, “but I wouldn’t have any idea what those contingency plans are. The rules and regulations regarding bureaucracy demons are known mostly by the bureaucracy demons themselves. For the most part bureaucracy demons and regular demons don’t interact with each other.”

“Well that’s about to change,” said Piper. “And when it does there’s no telling what damage is going to occur both down here and on the mortal plane.”

[noazmale]

NINE

It was nearly three hours before Kringe returned and informed them that Elbert had finally finished signing all the necessary paperwork. With that formality out of the way it was now time for the ascension ceremony. They were led to a very large chamber where more than two dozen demons waited. Instead of the leisure suits that most demons were now wearing, these demons were dressed in what appeared to be formal robes. As they entered the chamber the demons turned toward them.

“Charmed Ones,” hissed one of the demons. All of the demon immediately took up aggressive stances. Cole stepped in between the head demon and the girls.

“If I were you,” said Cole, “I’d stand down. They are here at the personal request – and under the personal protection – of the new Source. If you think you can attack them without consequences then you’re as stupid as I always thought you were, Kettick.”

“You have no say here,” said Kettick. “Since your return you haven’t expressed even the slightest interest in the Underworld. So the way I see it you don’t have any more say about what goes on down here than a human.”

“Which is something you might want to think about before you make your next move,” said Cole. “I returned from the Wasteland. And I can assure you, the power needed to do that is considerable. Not to mention that if you want to get to them, you’ll have to go through me.”

Kettick simply stared at Cole, undisguised anger and hatred in his eyes. After a moment he raised his hand and most of the demons relaxed.

“The Source had ordered that the Charmed Ones are not to be bothered,” said Kettick. “I will not risk his anger on the very day of his ascension. But the truce lasts only until the ascension is complete.”

“You just remember that,” said Cole.

Kettick turned and walked over to two demons who were standing nearby. They began to talk but none of the girls, Leo, or Cole could hear what they were talking about.

“Well, this is going to be fun,” said Piper. “I feel like an African-American who just stumbled into a Ku Klux Klan meeting.”

“You’ll be okay,” said Cole. “As Kettick said, they won’t want to risk angering the Source on his ascension day. And they know if they try anything they’ll have to contend with me. If you think demons feared me as Belthazor you should see the responses I get now. Don’t worry about it. You’ll be perfectly safe while you’re here.”

“Okay, I don’t understand how this ascension ceremony is going to work,” said Phoebe. “Don’t they need that evil grimoire for this? We got rid of it. How do they plan to have the ceremony without it?”

“As I understand it,” said Cole, “Elbert has opted for a traditional ascension ceremony. One that hasn’t been used in millennia. During the ceremony each demon will present him with a fireball or energy ball. He’ll absorb each one thereby absorbing a small amount of energy from that demon. When he’s finished he’ll not only have more power than any other demon in the Underworld, but he’ll also have all of their powers. It’s essentially what happened with the grimoire. Only using the grimoire is more effective and a lot quicker. That’s why a lot of the Sources opted to use it instead of the ceremony Elbert plans to use.”

“No wonder the Source was so powerful,” said Paige. “I often wondered why the Source was so much more powerful than any other demon.”

“He literally had the power of the Underworld at his fingertips,” said Leo. “It’s the reason even the Elders had cause to fear him.”

“Demonic leaders of the hierarchy,” said Kringe loud enough so that his voice carried all the way across the chamber. “I present for your approval, Elbert Egbert Klinehopper IV, a.k.a. Maladroit the First, rightful heir to the throne of the Underworld and the next Source of All Evil. Draw near and attend to the coronation ceremony that will establish his rule and power over all demons.”

Everyone in the room immediately became quiet. Everyone turned to see Elbert, flanked by two blonde, female demons enter the chamber. Elbert was dressed in an elaborate robe and wearing the purple cape and crown they had seen him wearing when they first entered the Underworld. As the three demons approached the throne, Elbert’s feet became entangled in his cape. In full view of everyone he fell to the floor of the chamber, the cape nearly covering him.

As his two female attendants attempted to extricate him from the cape there was an audible groan from the collected group of demons. A stern look from Kettick immediately silenced the gathering. When Elbert had gained his feet again he decided to do without the cape. One of his attendants carefully took the cape and folded it as Elbert made his way to the throne in the room.

Elbert glanced around the room. When he saw the girls, Leo, and Cole his face lit up and he smiled at them. Then he scanned the room again. Standing on the other side were four male demons standing with their arms folded over their chest. One of them had a scowl on his face and he stared intently at Elbert.

“That’s Cladin, Elbert’s oldest brother,” Cole whispered to the others. “He’s not happy about this ascension ceremony.”

“Great,” Phoebe whispered back. “When do the fireworks begin?”

“Oh, he won’t do anything here,” whispered Cole. “An ascension ceremony is traditionally the most solemn occasion in the Underworld. No demon would upset that. He’ll wait until the ceremony is over and then he’ll let Elbert have it. Although other than a lot of yelling and screaming I’m not sure what he can do about it.”

Elbert quickly looked away from his brothers and continued to scan the room. When he had scanned the entire room he turned to Kringe and whispered something. Elbert did not seem happy with what he had said.

“This is unacceptable,” said Elbert. “It’s my right to have my family and closest friends here. I specifically said I wanted Alyssa here.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible, Sire,” said Kringe. “As I explained to you quite clearly, only those of the highest echelon may be in attendance at the ascension ceremony. I’m afraid an associate professor simply is not high enough in the echelon to warrant an invitation.”

“But I want her here,” protested Elbert.

“Please, Sire,” said Kringe. “It is undignified for such a display in front of the hierarchy. I’m afraid that bureaucracy rules simply do not allow for her attendance. I’m sorry, Sire, but you know as well as I do that not even the leader of the Underworld can go against bureaucratic rules.”

“Well,” said Elbert, pouting, “I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.”

“Of course, Sire,” said Kringe. The demon then turned to the hierarchy. “As required by demonic law the hierarchy of the Underworld has been gathered to witness the ascension of the new Source. Have you chosen a spokesdemon to speak for this hallowed gathering?”

“We have,” said Kettick. “I am Kettick, first level demon. I have been chosen to speak for this gathering.”

“Does this gathering accept Maladroit the First as the new Source of All Evil?” questioned Kringe.

At the mention of the name “Maladroit”, more than one demon tried to stifle a snicker. Kettick hesitated. It was clear this was far from a unanimous agreement. More than likely, according to Cole, the demons had all agreed to it with promises of additional power or higher levels in the hierarchy once Elbert ascended to the throne. After a moment Kettick spoke again.

“This gathering accepts Maladroit the First as the new Source of All Evil.”

“Is there any demon in this gathering that contests Maladroit the First’s right to ascension?”

Everyone looked around impatiently. More than a few glanced at Cladin, obviously expecting that he might say something. Cladin said nothing, but his jaw clenched tightly.

“The gathering of the hierarchy has consented to the ascension of Maladroit the First as the new Source of All Evil. No demon has contested to the ascension of Maladroit the First as the new Source of All Evil. And no demon has offered any valid reason why Maladroit the First should not ascend as the new Source of All Evil. As the presiding authority for the ascension ceremony I certify that Maladroit is the rightful heir and successor to the Source of All Evil. The ascension ceremony may begin.”

Kringe turned to Elbert and picked up a large tome. Cole explained that without the grimoire that had formerly been used in the ascension ceremonies a suitable replacement had to be found. Since Elbert was a bureaucracy demon, the suitable replacement turned out to be the Official Basic Bureaucratic Handbook, Volume 1.

“Place your right hand on the, uh, book,” said Kringe.

Elbert did as he was instructed.

“Do you attest that you are Elbert Egbert Klinehopper, IV, a.k.a. Maladroit the First, closest living male relative to the former Source of All Evil, and rightful heir to the throne of the Underworld?”

“I do,” replied Elbert.

“Do you claim your rightful inheritance, in the face of this gathering, and declare yourself to be the new Source of All Evil and ruler of the Underworld?”

“I do,” repeated Elbert.

“This gathering has consented to the ascension of Maladroit the First as the new Source of All Evil. As a demonstration of their loyalty and fealty, what does this gathering offer?”

Each of the demons held out their hand and formed either a fireball or energy ball. One by one the weapons floated from the demon’s hands toward Elbert. One by one Elbert absorbed the fireball or energy ball, taking a few moments to adjust to the additional power. When the last one had been absorbed, Kringe turned to the demonic hierarchy.

“The rules of ascension, as prescribed by the most ancient traditions of the Underworld, are hereby complete. This gathering has consented to the ascension and offered the traditional token of fealty. Demonic hierarchy, I present to you the new ruler of the Underworld, Maladroit the First, the First Grand Emperor of Demondom.”

Every demon politely bowed to Elbert. It was obvious that many were not happy with the situation but it was apparently preferable to whatever the alternative was.

“Thank you, my friends,” said Elbert. “As your new leader I promise to do everything in my power to make Demondom the most efficient it has ever been. The first thing tomorrow you will all receive the first of my many edicts that will initiate a new era for all demonkind. I thank you for your confidence in me. A reception has been prepared to honor this ascension. I would consider it a personal favor if all of you would attend. Thank you.”

As Elbert moved off the dais where the ceremony had taken place a murmur among the hierarchy began. With the female demons on each arm he moved toward the chamber where the reception was to be held. As he did, Cladin turned and headed after him.

“Uh oh,” said Cole. “This could be bad. We’d better get in there. Elbert may need our support.”

Together the group followed Elbert and Cladin into the reception chamber.

[noazmale]

TEN

“You really think you’re something, don’t you?” Cladin was asking as the girls, Leo, and Cole entered the chamber. “The Source of All Evil. The ultimate that any demon can attain.”

“W . . . well, yes,” stammered Elbert. “I . . . I’m the First G . . . Gwand Emperor of . . . of Demondom.”

“And you expect me to bow down and worship you,” said Cladin. “Just like the rest of the hierarchy.”

“It’s twadition,” said Elbert. “You of all people should understand twadition.”

“Yes, Cladin, you should,” said Cole, stepping up to the two. “The Brotherhood is built on tradition.”

“Belthazor,” said Cladin. “It’s been a long time.”

“Too long,” said Cole.

“He’s pathetic,” said Cladin. “He always was. Have you heard about some of the changes he mentioned at the ceremony?”

“Some, yes,” said Cole. “But as the new leader of the Underworld he has the right to make whatever changes he wants. Every Source before him has made changes. It’s only natural.”

“Nothing with Elbert is normal,” said Cladin. “You of all demons know that. You’ve been standing up for him as long as anyone can remember. Although why you do it is beyond me.”

“Maybe because he has enough bullies like you picking on him,” said Phoebe.

“Shut up, witch,” said Cladin. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Elbert is our friend,” said Paige. “And he and Cole are right. Since Elbert is now the leader of the Underworld you’re supposed to do whatever he says.”

Just then Kringe and Kettick entered the chamber. Cladin glanced at them and then turned back to the others.

“That will be a cold day,” he said. “Elbert is a screw up and always has been.”

“You . . . you can’t talk to me like that anymow,” said Elbert. “I’m the weader of the Underworld. You have to show me wespect.”

“That is never going to happen,” said Cladin. “I’ll never accept Elbert as my superior. And I’m going to make sure that as many demons as possible do the same thing.”

“You can’t do that,” said Cole. “That would cause civil war in the Underworld.”

“As it should be,” said Cladin. “Only the most powerful demon should be the Source. He should not be chosen by committee.”

“He was not chosen by committee,” said Kringe. “In the beginning, this was the way a new Source came to power. It is tradition.”

“A tradition which has not been followed for countless millennia,” said Cladin. “I say the tradition has changed. And many of the hierarchy agree with me. When we’re done the most powerful demon will be the new Source. And this inept, bungling excuse for a demon will be back where he belongs.”

“That’s not going to happen,” said Elbert. “You know as well as I do that another demon can only become the Source if I’m vanqwished. And . . . and as a bureaucracy demon I can’t be vanqwished. So there.”

“Technically, that’s not true, Sire,” said Kringe. “Tradition dictates that a ruling Source may take step down if they so choose. In this event a regent is appointed to fill in for the Source until a new Source can be selected. While I must admit this has never happened, it is still tradition.”

“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” said Elbert. “What would I tell Alyssa?”

“You mean that little trollop you’ve been seeing?” questioned Cladin. “What difference does it make? She’s just another bureaucracy demon like you. Hardly worth worrying about.”

“That’s about enough,” said Cole, stepping between Cladin and Elbert. “There’s no reason for you to be insulting. Bureaucracy demons, like all demons, serve a purpose, even if we don’t agree with that purpose. And even though I’ve never met her, I know Elbert. She’s probably a very nice demon.”

“I don’t have an argument with you, Belthazor,” said Cladin. “I’ve heard of your power since returning from the Wasteland. And I have no doubt that I am no longer a match for you. But this no longer involves you. You’ve made it perfectly clear that the matters of the Underworld no longer concern you. So I will ask that you stay out of it.”

“It involves Elbert,” said Cole. “Like Paige said, he’s our friend. And we stick by our friends.”

“How very human of you,” said Cladin. “But as I said, this doesn’t concern you. Stay out of it.”

“It doesn’t concern you, either,” said Elbert. “Who I see is none of your business.”

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to see her in the future, Sire,” said Kringe. “As the leader of the Underworld you must present a certain decorum to the Underworld. I’m afraid consorting with someone of her low status is not allowed. Your relationship with her must be terminated.”

“Never,” said Elbert. “I’m the First Grand Emperor of Demondom. I can see anyone I please.”

“Violating this particular tradition would cause you to loose much respect among the general populace,” said Kringe. “I’m afraid doing so might instigate the very rebellion Cladin speaks of.”

“We can ill afford another battle like the one that brought the last Source of All Evil to power,” said Kettick. “Cladin is right. Many of the hierarchy do not agree with this bureaucracy demon as the new Source. No bureaucracy demon has ever been the Source of All Evil. Not to mention all of the edicts he plans to implement. It’s only a matter of time before there is open rebellion not only among the hierarchy but among the general populace.”

“That’s what we’re trying to prevent,” said Piper. “Look, we don’t give a damn what happens down here. But if civil war breaks out it could involve the innocent. And that is our business. So if we can resolve this matter peacefully we’ll be saving ourselves a whole lot of trouble down the line.”

“Elbert has said he won’t resign,” said Cladin. “And many of us won’t accept him as the new Source, despite their ‘approval’ at the ascension ceremony. That ceremony is the most solemn ceremony in the Underworld and no demon would upset it. But that doesn’t change the facts. So, as the humans say, it looks like we have a Mexican standoff. There’s only one way to resolve this.”

“Maybe not,” said Kettick.

“What do you mean?” Leo asked.

“I remember an old legend my mother told me once,” said Kettick. “It was centuries ago. But I seem to recall that a Source can step down temporarily.”

“Kettick is correct,” said Kringe. “It is an ancient tradition. Like a Source resigning it has never been implemented. But there is another option. A ruling Source may take an indefinite leave of absence, so to speak, to attend to personal business.”

“An indefinite leave of absence?” questioned Cladin.

“Yes,” said Kringe. “It was instituted millennia ago before the Source had enough personal attendants to cater to him. Often, a Source had to neglect either his personal or professional duties to attend to the other. Although the leader of the Underworld now has more than enough subordinates to assist him in these areas, the tradition still remains.”

“What’s involved in this ‘leave of absence’?” asked Phoebe.

“Very little actually,” said Kringe. “The Source simply announces that he must temporarily vacate his position to attend to personal business. In this event a regent is appointed, as dictated by whatever current demonic law or tradition is in force, to act in his stead until he returns. And the leave of absence may be as long or as short as the Source deems necessary.”

“What happens to all the decrees he’s made?” Cole asked. “Even if he’s on a ‘leave of absence’ he’s still technically the Source. Any decrees he makes will still be considered Underworld law.”

“True,” said Kringe. “And although it is not specifically addressed in either Underworld law or tradition, it is expected that a Source on a leave of absence would leave the handling of the Underworld to his regent. After all, he has taken the leave for personal reasons. Therefore it is understood he wouldn’t have the time to deal with Underworld matters. That’s the reason for the regent.”

“Who would be the regent?” Cladin demanded.

“Well, now,” said Kringe, “that would be hard to say. Since this matter has never come up in the history of the Underworld, there’s been no call to institute a law regarding it. To be honest, the tradition was instituted as a safeguard. It was never expected to be used except in the most extreme circumstance.”

“So what does tradition say about appointing a regent?” Cole asked.

“Nothing specifically,” said Kringe. “I suppose the tradition of selecting a new Source could arguably be substituted in lieu of any actual law or tradition. It wouldn’t be the first time a tradition was used to ‘fill in’ where a law didn’t exist.”

“Current tradition says that the most powerful demon becomes the new Source,” said Cladin. “It could be a while before a new Source rises to power. Unless Belthazor wishes to reprise his role as the leader of the Underworld.”

“First of all, it’s Cole,” said Cole. “Belthazor ceased to exist some time ago. Secondly, as you have pointed out, the affairs of the Underworld no longer concern me. I’m no longer interested in ruling the Underworld.”

“Which leaves us right back where we started from,” said Cladin. “This imbecile as the Source and many, if not most, of the demonic hierarchy unwilling to accept him.”

“What about a compromise?” Paige asked. “Something that might satisfy everyone.”

“What kind of compromise?” Kettick asked.

“Well,” said Paige, “what if Elbert agrees to this ‘indefinite leave of absence’? With the understanding that he’ll remain on this leave permanently. That way he doesn’t have to step down but the hierarchy doesn’t have to go to war over his ascension. In return the edicts he planned to enact can be put ‘on hold’, so to speak. Until his leave of absence is over, which, of course, it never will be.”

“What about the regent?” questioned Cladin. “There’s no one in position to become the regent. No single demon is powerful to become the new Source.”

“Which means the status quo will be maintained,” said Kringe. “And as I’m sure everyone is aware, maintaining the status quo is one of the main objectives of any bureaucracy, even bureaucracy demons. There is only one minor problem. It requires a unanimous decision by the hierarchy to accept the regent, or in this case, the current situation. If even one leader objects it cannot be implemented.”

“I think I can speak for all the leaders gathered in the other chamber,” said Kettick, “when I say any demon would be preferable to Elbert. For many it’s nothing personal. They just don’t believe a bureaucracy demon is best suited to rule the Underworld. I’m pretty sure there won’t be a problem with a unanimous decision to allow His Majesty to take a ‘leave of absence’.”

“Well,” said Cladin hesitantly, “I suppose that will be acceptable. As long as Elbert doesn’t try to throw his weight around. If he’s on indefinite leave then he shouldn’t have any actual authority as the Source.”

“On one condition,” said Phoebe. “You stop treating him like he’s inferior or incompetent. You may not like him but he did rise to become the leader of the Underworld, despite how that happened. You need to treat him with some respect and consideration. After all, he did go up against us, completed his assignment, and returned to the Underworld unscathed. And he got a promotion for it. Do you think you could do as well?”

“I might surprise you, witch,” said Cladin. “I’ve been around a very long time. And I’ve gone up against witches before.”

“Not the Charmed Ones,” said Cole. “A lot of demons have made that mistake. And not lived to regret it.”

“You might have a point,” said Cladin. “Very well. If Elbert stays in his little corner of the Underworld and doesn’t try to make policy or throw his weight around, I’ll try to be more civil toward him. That’s the best I can do.”

“Well,” said Cole, “it seems to me we might have a solution that could please everyone. Assuming Elbert is willing to abide by the compromises. Well, Elbert? What do you say?”

“What about Alyssa?” Elbert asked. “Would I still have to stop seeing her?”

“I suppose,” said Kringe, “that under the conditions, appearances would be less important since His Majesty would have no real authority. I don’t suppose the differences in their stations would cause too much of an uproar. I think I can sell the idea to the Bureaucratic Hierarchy.”

“Can I ask for something?” Elbert asked.

“Depends on what it is,” said Cladin.

“Can we stop with all the ‘Your Majesty” stuff?” asked Elbert. “It kind of makes me uncomfortable.”

“Now that’s one compromise I know the hierarchy will agree to,” said Kettick.

“How do we know we can trust Elbert to keep his word?” Cladin asked. “That he won’t change his mind some time in the future? We could end up right back where we are now.”

“I’m a bureaucracy demon,” said Elbert. “Cladin, even you must know by now that a bureaucracy demon never goes back on his word. It’s just unheard of.”

“Very well,” said Kringe. “Assuming the demonic hierarchy is willing to unanimously agree with all of the compromises, I believe we have an understanding. I shall prepare the necessary paperwork for His Majesty – I mean, for Elbert – to begin his leave of absence.”

“How soon?” demanded Cladin.

“Shall we say this time tomorrow?” asked Kringe. “It will be a respectable ‘reign’ for Elbert and give me the necessary time needed to make all the proper arrangements.”

“Fine,” said Cladin. “No tricks, bureaucracy demon. Any discrepancy between our agreement and what actually happens and I assure you that the consequences would be quite dire.”

“As you are well aware,” said Kringe, “we bureaucracy demons pride ourselves as being sticklers for the rules. I can assure you that every compromise that has been reached here will be followed to the letter. And, Cladin, we expect the same from the general demonic populace.”

“You have nothing to worry about in that respect,” said Cladin. “I can assure you that if any demon violates our agreement they’ll have virtually the entire hierarchy to contend with. Not the least of whom will be Malevant. I know for a fact he’ll be extremely harsh on any demon, leader or underling, who risks bringing Elbert back to power.”

“Good,” said Kringe. “It would seem that the hierarchy has more to celebrate than an ascension of a new Source. I think the festivities will be a bit more jovial than originally anticipated.”

“Well, if you don’t mind,” said Piper, “I don’t think we’ll hang around for that. Celebrating with demons isn’t exactly our idea of a good time.”

“Of course,” said Kringe. “I’m sure everyone will understand.”

“In that case,” said Leo, “I suggest we get out of here. Until some demon decides that since Elbert is going on leave that his protection of the girls no longer applies.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” said Kringe. “That particular aspect was not addressed. It’s probably best if they leave the Underworld before hierarchy is informed of our agreement.”

“No argument from here,” said Paige. “Being in the Underworld makes me nervous.”

“Come on,” said Cole. “We’ll make a discreet exit while the rest of you inform the hierarchy.”

Together, the girls, Leo, and Cole left by a side chamber while Kettick, Cladin, and Kringe went in to inform the demonic hierarchy of the agreement.

[noazmale]

ELEVEN

It had been nearly a week since the girls had attended the ascension ceremony for Elbert. In all that time no demon had made an appearance at the manor. By all accounts, the Underworld had returned to its previous state; with no clear demonic leader. Piper was fixing lunch when there was a knock at the back door. As she opened it, she found Elbert standing on the porch outside.

“Hewwo,” said Elbert nervously. “I . . . I wasn’t suw if I should come by.”

“Elbert,” said Piper smiling, “come in. Of course you can stop by. Phoebe, Paige, Leo, we have company.”

As the three entered the kitchen they all smiled when they saw Elbert standing in the kitchen.

“I thought, considering how nervous I get when I shimmer in,” said Elbert, having calmed down when Piper was so gracious, “that I should use the door. I’d hate to shimmer in and break something.” He glanced at Phoebe. “Or shimmer into some place inappropriate. Again.”

“It’s good to see you, Elbert,” said Phoebe, giving him a hug. “How goes it in the Underworld?”

“Well, about like it was before,” said Elbert. “Demons plotting against each other, masters vanquishing their underlings that displease them, subterfuge and guile everywhere you look. You’d never know that less than a week ago I had ascended as the Source of All Evil.”

“Sounds like everything is back to normal,” said Leo. “The Elders will be glad to hear that.”

“I just wanted to thank you for everything you did,” said Elbert. “I was afraid there might actually be a civil war in the Underworld. It was pretty touch and go for a while.”

“Well, we were able to work things out,” said Phoebe. “Or at last the hierarchy was. I have to admit I was out of ideas until Kettick mentioned that leave of absence thing.”

“Yeah,” said Elbert. “It took him long enough. I thought he never would mention it.”

“What do you mean?” Paige asked.

“Well,” said Elbert, “it wouldn’t have been right if I had mentioned it myself. It was important that someone else come up with the idea. No Source has ever tried to get out of being the Source. If I had mentioned it it might have made me look really weak. That could have started the war right there. I couldn’t risk it.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t risk it?” Piper asked. “Elbert, what’s going on?”

“I never wanted to be the Source,” said Elbert. “I knew if I did I’d have to stop seeing Alyssa. It just wouldn’t look right for someone as powerful as the Source to be associating with someone as low in the hierarchy as an associate professor. Royalty and commoners just don’t mix, even on the mortal plane.”

“That’s what Kringe said,” said Leo. “Only you seemed surprised at the time when he mentioned it.”

“Oh, I had to,” said Elbert. “If they knew I was aware of that they would never have thought I would agree to their compromise on the spur of the moment like that. They would have thought I had planned it all along.”

“You did have it planned all along, didn’t you?” Piper asked.

“Well, I have to admit a lot of it wasn’t planned,” said Elbert. “There were a lot of things I couldn’t control. I wasn’t sure if Kettick and the others would go for the compromise. That was a big gamble. I had to make sure that every demon in the hierarchy would want anyone else but me as their leader.”

“You planned it all?” questioned Phoebe. “That was the reason for all your edicts.”

“Of course,” said Elbert. “Regular demons would never work well in a union. And the ‘uniforms’? I knew that would ruffle more than a few feathers. Especially when Alyssa helped me pick out the colors. I couldn’t risk that I might inadvertently pick colors that actually went together. I especially like the platform shoes. I never cared for those but Alyssa was sure every demon would hate them.”

“Well, she was right about that,” said Paige. “Those suits looked so ridiculous. I couldn’t believe you actually insisted that all demons wear them.”

“I had to,” said Elbert. “It was necessary that every demon wanted me not to become the Source. So I had to make it so bad that even those who might want to suck up to me to gain additional power would prefer even their most hated enemy to me. I figured the best way to do that was to make so many ridiculous changes that, for once, the entire hierarchy would agree.”

“So your embassies on the White Lighter plane and the mortal realm?” Leo asked.

“Oh, that was a particularly bad idea,” said Elbert. “It took me a while to come up with just the right ideas to infuriate the hierarchy. When Kringe told me that I was the next Source because of that ancient tradition I knew I had to do something. If I had become the Source, not only would I have to stop seeing Alyssa, I’d have to give up my job at the university. Demonic law doesn’t allow a demon to hold two government jobs at the same time. And I think I’m much better suited to being a professor than the leader of the Underworld. Not so many pressures.”

“Elbert, you’re more devious and inventive than we gave you credit for,” said Piper. “I would never have thought you capable of something like this.”

“Normally I wouldn’t,” said Elbert. “I didn’t make a whole lot of friends. But being ‘on leave’, as it were, I don’t have to worry about being harassed by regular demons. Some of them are actually being nice to me for a change. Everyone except Malevant. He’s still not happy about being put into a time out. Especially in front of other demons.”

“That was risky,” said Phoebe. “I understand Malevant can be very unpredictable.”

“Yeah, well, I figure I’ll just avoid him for a few years,” said Elbert. “He’ll calm down eventually. At least I hope so.”

“Maybe,” said Leo. “Malevant’s not known for his compassion.”

“I’ll settle for him just not being so mean to me,” said Elbert. “Oh, Cladin is keeping his promise. He’s being civil to me, too. I can’t say he’s being nice, exactly, but at least he isn’t treating me like I’m less than nothing. That’s a start.”

“He belonged to the Brotherhood of the Thorn,” said Phoebe. “His word is more important to him than anything.”

“Belongs,” corrected Elbert. “One you join the Brotherhood of the Thorn you never really quit. Unless you’re vanquished. And I knew he’d keep his word. It’s nice not having him sneer every time I enter the room. And without the additional powers I gained as the Source, he actually seems content with things the way the they are now.”

“Without the powers?” Leo questioned.

“Yeah,” said Elbert. “I figured since I wasn’t really going to be the Source I might as well give up the extra powers they all gave me. That was another little ‘compromise’ that helped settle the hierarchy down. Since I don’t have them any more whoever does become the next Source will be able to get them. That seems to have placated a lot of demons.”

“Seems like there are a lot of details about the compromise that still need to be worked out,” said Piper.

“There always is,” said Elbert. “Things are rarely as simple as they look on paper. But I do have one advantage. As a Source-on-leave, so to speak, I get to be an honorary member of the Brotherhood of the Thorn. That’s really cool. They even speak to me and everything.”

“Well, congratulations on everything, Elbert,” said Phoebe. “It seems like everything worked out for you. And I’m sure Alyssa is very happy that you aren’t going to be the Source of All Evil.”

“Oh, she is,” said Elbert. “And speaking of the Brotherhood, I need to go by and see Cousin Pudge, er, Cousin Cole. He was really a big help down there. I need to thank him, too.”

“You might want to tell him it’s what you had planned from the beginning,” said Phoebe. “I think he’d like to know you can actually take care of yourself for a change.”

“Yeah, I might,” said Elbert. “I know he’s always treated me real well but I also know he thinks there aren’t many things I can do right.”

“Well, Elbert,” said Paige, “good luck. Maybe things will start looking up for you now. After all, you may be on leave, but technically you’re still the Source of All Evil. That has to be worth something.”

“Well, in name, anyway,” said Elbert. “I don’t have any real power. But thanks. I appreciate it a lot. Bye now. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime.”

“Any time, Elbert,” said Piper. “You’re welcome here any time.”

Elbert just smiled and then shimmered out of the kitchen.

“Who would have thought that little Elbert could have devised such an elaborate plane?” Phoebe asked. “I guess it shows we just don’t give him enough credit.”

“He’s still a demon,” said Leo.

“A bureaucracy demon,” said Piper. “And as Cole explained, they aren’t inherently evil. Just fixated on their rules and regulations.”

“Still,” Leo began to protest.

“As I recall,” said Paige, “didn’t you have to join a Bureaucracy demon union a while back? Doesn’t that technically make you a demon, too?”

“It’s not the same thing,” protested Leo. “Not at all.”

“Give it a rest, brother-in-law,” said Phoebe. “This is one argument you aren’t going to win.”

“Since when do I win arguments with the three of you?” Leo asked, smiling slightly.

“Smart man,” said Piper, as she headed toward the kitchen to finish fixing lunch.

The End