P3Nathan's Season 7 Rewatch

[Esmeralda]

Aug 22, 2015 11:49:30 GMT -5 @p3nathan said:

Phoebe and Drake’s First Date
A.k.a- Show Ghouls

We open with Paige giving someone a tour of Notwarts. Drake gets blown out of his classroom. Apparently he’s teaching “advanced magical musical compositions”... um yeah, I don’t know what that is and I don’t know what happened to him teaching literature, but whatever. Also he’s got a troll in there for some reason; an actual troll this time, not the tiny gremlin things from season 3 (not that we see it anyway).

We see a cop going all kinds of bat s**t with a gun in the middle of the WB lot. He’s screaming about people burning in a fire and nobody listening to him. We hear screams echoing from underground; pretty creepy actually, I like these sort of stories.



Piper: Extra room for my... Pattini?
Leo: (thinks) Pattini.
Piper: Shoes.

Um no, pattini means skates! Scarpe would be shoes. How about you writers just stick with the one language, okay, that’s enough of a challenge on its own I’m sure.



Anyway Piper and Leo are supposedly taking the kids on a round the world vacation and they’re starting with Italy. Leo clearly doesn’t want to go and to be honest I can’t imagine a vacation with Piper feels like much of a vacation at all... so I hear ya.




Phoebe: I know, but Elise, why can't we just do the interview here? You know, kind of like an Ask Phoebe at home thing.

What is it with this woman? When she has a day off and they don’t want her in the office, they can’t get rid of her! When they need her to do something, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get her to go to work!





Paige: Yeah, well, at least you're not wasting all your time at Magic School.

Oh poor, poor Paige, she has a job. She’s really catching up to her older siblings with the moaning.



Drake explains all about lost souls to Phoebe and Paige using a book that illustrates it for them.



Drake: Interview shminterview. How does an interview weigh in against the fate of an innocent? And if we are to help, your premonition skills could prove essential.

Yes, thank you, thank you Drake. I mean that last bit about her premonitions isn’t gonna happen, but the first bit, YES!




Phoebe and Drake use a spell to astral to the club in the past and the spell very helpfully dresses them up in the appropriate attire.

We establish that nobody around remembers except for Count Moustachcular...though I’m still not sure how George remembers (oh that’s the guy that the cop is possessed by, didn’t mention that) and nobody asks, so whatever.

They talk about fan dancing. Let’s all just be thankful that Phoebe didn’t do one...had Kern not been busy spotlighting Billy Zane, I daresay she would have!

The fire begins and George pops out of the cops body and back into the club just as Phoebe and Drake pop out.

Here’s the exposition part. Count Moustachcular made a deal with a demon in order to keep himself out of purgatory.

They keep showing outside shots of the hospital that I’m pretty sure are from the first two seasons... there’s a very unsubtle difference in the picture quality.


Leo defaces the BOS, writing "tips for future whitelighters".
They look for the demon and he’s called Sargon “Traders of souls, preys on the afterlife.” But according to Piper, they vanquished him already. From that description, I thought of the guy from “Soul Survivor”, but then remembered his name was Zahn and he didn’t really prey on souls, just traded them. Hmm.

Paige covers for Phoebe at the Vogue shoot by glamouring. Alyssa pretty much does the exact same idiot child performance that she did in “Enter the Demon”. So all the excuses I made for her back in season 4...hereby nullified.

Piper states that they vanquished this Sargon fellow five years ago which would put it around season 2 right? I guess they must have vanquished him off-screen, because the only demon I can think of that’s even close to the description is Masselin and nobody’s been swallowed yet.



Phoebe: There's nobody at that centre table.
Count Roget: Your demon is long gone. In fact, he left 106 years ago. Right after we made the deal. Long before the fire.
(Phoebe and Drake look shocked)

Um, well duh, lugheads! If you vanquished him in your timeline, how could he still be trapped there?




Count Moustachcular shoots Drake and then hijacks his body as the fire gets worse.

It takes Piper and Leo far too long to work out that Drake is not Drake despite the fact that he’s acting weird, doesn’t care about Phoebe and is speaking in an English accent. He shimmers away just before Leo tries to fry him.

(Leo puts up his hands. Piper stops him.)
Piper: No, don't. You're in enough trouble already with... (Count Roget/Drake shimmers out.) The Elders.

Oh please. I seriously doubt The Elders would give the tiniest of f’s about Leo frying Drake.



Phoebe uses tarot cards and an incantation from a fortune teller’s book to poof herself back to her body. That’s one handy tarot card deck!
Oh the incantation by the way: “Vita brevis Abraxas!” ...Woah, did she just invoke the demon from the season 2 premiere?


Piper: Wait a minute. What's my middle name?
Phoebe: Uh, Surly?

I remember when this aired and the internet was ablaze with fans screaming “Oh my God, Piper’s middle name is Shirley!!! It’s canon now.”



They depossess Drake with a potion and Count Moustachcular is carried away by a huge “Ghost” rip off, after which all the good souls are freed.




We have what I’ll admit is a pretty cute Piper and Leo moment at P3; but it would be a lot nicer if I bought what they were saying for a second-

Piper: I think from now on I'm gonna stop trying to control every little moment. The best ones kinda sneak up on you anyway.




Drake sings all suave and Phoebe swoons.

Well, I rather enjoyed that one actually.




Next up, the 150th episode. Cole is back (sort of) and Drake bites the dust.

YAY! I rather enjoy that one, too - it's one of my favorites and the very last time we get to see my Phoebs who made a slight reappearance in this one, the reason I love Drake for her so much. I assume they couldn't pay Billy Zane enough to stay longer - such a shame! He would've been such a perfect match for her - so what Cole *should've* been like...

Now I'm more excited about you doing both Season 1 and Season 8 at the same time - it means if you enjoy the episode, so will we, even if it means a much shorter review...

[Deleted]

in the middle of the WB lot

Actually it's the Paramount lot.  They moved there at the beginning of S7 (before that, Charmed was shot at a studio in the San Fernando Valley, north of Los Angeles). 

Um no, pattini means skates! Scarpe would be shoes. How about you writers just stick with the one language, okay, that’s enough of a challenge on its own I’m sure.

When it came to depicting other languages and cultures, Charmed left much to be desired.

Anyway Piper and Leo are supposedly taking the kids on a round the world vacation and they’re starting with Italy. Leo clearly doesn’t want to go and to be honest I can’t imagine a vacation with Piper feels like much of a vacation at all... so I hear ya.

What is it with this woman? When she has a day off and they don’t want her in the office, they can’t get rid of her! When they need her to do something, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get her to go to work!

Poor Elise just can't win with Phoebe.  It's a wonder she hasn't fired Phoebe's sorry a** by now.

Oh poor, poor Paige, she has a job. She’s really catching up to her older siblings with the moaning.

Gee, Paige, maybe you should have through things through before you gave up that Social Worker job.

Yes, thank you, thank you Drake. I mean that last bit about her premonitions isn’t gonna happen, but the first bit, YES!

Drake was good in that regard, he cared about Innocents.  Too bad the Charmed Ones no longer did.

They keep showing outside shots of the hospital that I’m pretty sure are from the first two seasons... there’s a very unsubtle difference in the picture quality.

That damned shrinking budget again.  You ain't seen nothing yet, Nathan.  Wait until you get to S8...

Paige covers for Phoebe at the Vogue shoot by glamouring. Alyssa pretty much does the exact same idiot child performance that she did in “Enter the Demon”. So all the excuses I made for her back in season 4...hereby nullified.

Poor Paige.  When she's not being used as the family car, she's stuck doing this.  This is so not what she signed up for.

Um, well duh, lugheads! If you vanquished him in your timeline, how could he still be trapped there?

Seems Paige was not the only one to suffer a drastic IQ drop.

It takes Piper and Leo far too long to work out that Drake is not Drake despite the fact that he’s acting weird, doesn’t care about Phoebe and is speaking in an English accent.

See my post above.

They depossess Drake with a potion and Count Moustachcular is carried away by a huge “Ghost” rip off

I  thought of Ghost when I saw that scene as well.

Next up, the 150th episode. Cole is back (sort of)

And gets a decent send off.

[Chrisaholic]

"Show Gouls": The whole interview thing with Phoebe and Paige, in the end, glamouring into her, was not my thing, really. Good, it showed a great relationship between the sisters and all, yet the premise didn't suit with me. As for Piper and Leo and their "orbing around the world in 80 orbs": good thinking but starting with Italy? At least, our translation was right with the 'scarpe' as shoes. Anyway, the kids were shown off most of the time, yet Leo's entry in the BOS I find acceptable. You never know. And finally, Drake was a great reminder to what the Charmed Ones do exist for once. The sisters certainly have forgotten this.

[Melinda Halliwell]

Exactly why have people on the show like Drake saying what there saying when the sisters don't take a blind bit of notice of it.

Waste of time and money if you ask me. Though I did love Drake it would've been better if he never said anything at all.

[Deleted]

Sesquicentennial Charmed- Romance is Dead
A.k.a: The Seven Year Witch


We begin with Piper and Paige going to save an innocent. Yes, you read that correctly.

Piper and Paige talk about how Drake is going to die by the end of this episode... but of course it’s not Drake they feel bad for; it’s Phoebe. Because she’s so unlucky in love and her life is so hard and yada yada yada, you know the drill by now.
What annoys me most is that Paige does most of the talking here. Paige, who’s boyfriend was quite recently killed! But who cares about her right? It’s Phoebe that has it so, so tough. Change the damn record, writers!

Mercifully, the demons attack.


Paige: Uh, ugly metal…thing!
Or what we on planet Earth call a pipe. Dingbat.


A demon spits a bunch of thorns from her mouth. Piper blows her up, but ends up with a thorn in her hand. Gee, if only Piper had some sort of power that she could use to stop incoming attacks. What would you call that? A kind of “freezing” power perhaps? How handy that would be in situations like this. Oh well.

Piper and Paige orb home and are greeted by a sight that’s either terrifying or hilarious... Leo in his massive, stupid Elder robe. The gold one in season 5/6 looked pretty cheap, but damn, this actually looks like the world’s most drab circus tent.

Elders Sandra and Grumpus think that Leo trying to balance two different lives is the issue (no sh!t guys). So they’re going to strip his memory and send him to the middle of nowhere and see where destiny leads him or whatever. Yeah, it’s all really stupid, even by Elder standards.

Grumpus very aggressively orbs Leo to his destination; which seems to be in the middle of a dirt road. This causes a car accident (good job Elders) and Leo does his doctor bit. He’s having flashbacks by the way... they reuse that footage from “Saving Private Leo” for the second time this season.

Sandra explains what is happening to Piper. Piper gets all “Oh no she did-ent. Girrrl, hold my broom!”



Paige: This is your idea of a rah-rah speech? You’re supposed to be cheering her up, not pushing her off the ledge!
Phoebe: Well, you know what, Paige? Maybe I’m just all rah-rah’ed out.

Aaaand we’re back to Phoebe. I know it’s setting us up for the Cole stuff, but still...GAH!




Drake basically tells them to shut up feeling sorry for themselves and get off their arses.

Leo has found a police station and they establish that he could be a doctor. Funny that he’d remember his medical education only when his memories have been wiped. Not that I’m complaining; it’s better than the Leo who doesn’t believe in hormones!



Sheriff: Son, you’re bound to be a bit jumpy. I’m guessing you went through some kind of hell to get here.

Well between being married to Piper and working with the Elders, I’d say hell is a pretty accurate summation, yep.




Phoebe: I have been heartbroken so many times by love that I’m just beginning to think that I’m supposed to live my life without it.
Drake: What…that is ridiculous. Nobody is. I’ve been demonic without love, so I know what I’m talking about. Love is transcendent. It’s miraculous.

Yes, but it isn’t forced to be romantic. Plenty of people are genuinely happy being single; it does NOT make them loveless. Family, friends, children etc. This show has such a “one size fits all” view of the world, it’s so frustrating sometimes.




Piper freaks out at Darryl over the phone. I wish he’d hang up on her, but sadly she does so first. Ungrateful shrew.

Piper is dead. Hooray. That’s the end of the review everyone. See you all later.




... Okay, so that’s not the end and she’s not technically dead. She’s having an out of body experience or whatever and she’s greeted by Cole, who’s hair seems spikier.

Drake diagnoses Piper with love-sickness, which must be contagious because here I am about to puke.

Phoebe senses Cole for a moment, but shrugs it off.



Piper: Since when do you quote Shakespeare?
Cole: It’s a recent affliction, actually.

Hint that he knows Drake for us there.




So they’re in the cosmic void between life and death. Cole tells Piper that he wants her and Leo to stay together and that’s why he’s there. Piper is skeptical, which she should be, because I’m not sure anybody cares about that except the writers at this stage.

Leo is sat in a diner with the woman who played Luke’s wacky sister in Gilmore Girls and Susan’s wacky sister in ER. She’s not that wacky here though.

Leo sees the mark of his wedding ring on his finger and flashes back to early season 3 where he proposes.

Just looking at the run time, I forgot how little Cole is actually in this episode.

Elder Grumpus turns up outside the diner and offers Leo a lift in his truck, because he’s nothing if not a cheating, manipulative, weasel of a man. I’d love to know how this jacka$$ became an Elder. But then, same goes for the majority of these jacka$$es really.

Piper and Cole spat some more and talk about love. Really overloading on the corny, Valentines Day card stuff.

Grumpus gives Leo the Elder sales pitch.



Cole: She hasn’t been able to find love since me or at least hold onto it. And I know that’s my fault.

What? Oh please, give me a... look, I’m not saying the whole thing couldn’t have left some scars, but why must the writers constantly absolve Phoebe of all responsibility? And what on earth does Cole have to do with Phoebe not being able to hold onto guys? Jason ended it after finding out her secret, Leslie left because he was never staying in the first place; neither had anything to do with anything Cole did!



Phoebe and Paige find Leo and Grumpus.

Phoebe:  What are you doing here, and what did you do to Leo?
Grumpus: We let destiny run its course, and so should you.
(He grabs Leo and orbs out.)

Pah. Wow, this guy really is something else! Sandra should fry his arse!




Piper goes back to her body.

Phoebe and Paige call Grumpus and Leo to the bridge and they tell Grumpus to shove it. Leo feels Piper dying, which triggers his memory of how awful she is and he jumps off the bridge to end his suffering. Oh is that not exactly how it went down?

Anyway, Leo is mortal now... and also practically invulnerable apparently, because jumping off the bridge seems to have only given him a small gash on his face and he’s otherwise perfectly fine.

Wyatt has healed Piper. Oh thank God, I was so worried that with Leo being powerless we’d be short our best deus ex machina. What a relief!

Piper, Leo and Wyatt have a family hug.




Phoebe and Drake say their goodbyes and they have one last kiss, right before the writers decide to ruin this for me in the last couple of minutes...

Cole shows up for Drake’s death.

Drake: I couldn’t have tasted life unless you set me up with that sorcerer. I just wish I could save you, too.
Cole: I’ve come to terms with my fate, especially now that I know it won’t be Phoebe’s, too.
Drake: So that was a pretty bold move sending in those thorn demons.
Cole: Well, I had to risk everything for this one.
Drake: Understandably.

*Sigh* So not only is Drake Cole’s errand boy; which for me really lessens my feelings for the character... we also learn that Cole sent demons to attack and poison someone, all for the sake of Phoebe’s love life. See, this is why I just can’t see this episode as the great “farewell Cole” event that many do... because to me it just shows that after everything that happened in season 5, he’s still all about Phoebe and to hell with anyone else who might get hurt. For me, that’s just salt in the wound. But hey, if others appreciated it, good stuff.


We end with Piper and Leo.

Leo: I just can’t believe it. I don’t have powers anymore. I don’t hear jingling. I can’t orb.
Piper: Is that bad?
Leo: Are you kidding? It’s great. It’s everything I’ve wanted ever since the day I met you.

You know that happened in season 2, right? You demanded they reinstate you. Ringing any bells?



Leo: Hey, you wanted a normal life.
Piper: Yeah. Uh, you take Wyatt. I’ll get Chris.
Leo: Um, I was thinking maybe pancakes and eggs. How about you?
Piper: Sounds normal.

Yeah? Well it’s not f*****g normal alright? So shut up! Seriously, you're still a witch, your kids are still whitelighter-witches, you’re still living with your witch and whitelighter-witch sisters! One mortal living with you is not going to give you a normal freakin' life; if anything it’ll just be weirder for him now!



Next up: Zankou returns.

[Deleted]

We begin with Piper and Paige going to save an innocent. Yes, you read that correctly.

And they actually succeeded in saving said Innocent.  No Ensign Deadmeat this time.

What annoys me most is that Paige does most of the talking here. Paige, who’s boyfriend was quite recently killed! But who cares about her right? It’s Phoebe that has it so, so tough. Change the damn record, writers!

Writers:  Paige?  Who dat??

So they’re going to strip his memory and send him to the middle of nowhere and see where destiny leads him or whatever. Yeah, it’s all really stupid, even by Elder standards.

The Elders really are pricks, aren't they.

Aaaand we’re back to Phoebe.

I wonder if this was like Laverne and Shirley, where the actors allegedly counted the lines their characters got in each script.

Drake basically tells them to shut up feeling sorry for themselves and get off their arses.

Good for you, Drake.

Piper is dead. Hooray. That’s the end of the review everyone. See you all later.

Just looking at the run time, I forgot how little Cole is actually in this episode.

They could only get Julian McMahon for one day.  He was working on Nip/Tuck at that time.

Elder Grumpus turns up outside the diner and offers Leo a lift in his truck, because he’s nothing if not a cheating, manipulative, weasel of a man. I’d love to know how this jacka$$ became an Elder. But then, same goes for the majority of these jacka$$es really.

This was Grumpus's last appearance on Charmed.  Guess he had to go back to the Enterprise to give Captain Picard more grief!

Phoebe and Paige call Grumpus and Leo to the bridge and they tell Grumpus to shove it. Leo feels Piper dying, which triggers his memory of how awful she is and he jumps off the bridge to end his suffering. Oh is that not exactly how it went down?

Anyway, Leo is mortal now... and also practically invulnerable apparently, because jumping off the bridge seems to have only given him a small gash on his face and he’s otherwise perfectly fine.

Wasn't there a Nicholas Cage movie that used that same premise.  An angel falls off a bridge, he becomes human.

See, this is why I just can’t see this episode as the great “farewell Cole” event that many do... because to me it just shows that after everything that happened in season 5, he’s still all about Phoebe and to hell with anyone else who might get hurt. For me, that’s just salt in the wound. But hey, if others appreciated it, good stuff.

It was still way better than Centennial Charmed. 

Of course, since Julian McMahon refused to work with Alyssa (this was one of the conditions on his agreeing to appear), they did the best they could and paired him with Holly.

You know that happened in season 2, right? You demanded they reinstate you. Ringing any bells?

Yeah, it rings bells for me.  Still, I'm glad Leo is out of the Mile High Pricks Club.

Next up: Zankou returns.

Beware, Charmed Ones, a villain who actually thinks things through.  Haven't had much of those since the days Rex and Hannah roamed the halls of Buckland Auction House.

[Esmeralda]

ROFLMFAO!!!! I am SO glad that I am home right now and can roll on the floor laughing my freakin' butt off and not worry about anyone seeing me or hearing me as would've happened had I been reading this at work! I truly was just going to say how much I enjoyed this at the end, but I'm laughing so much that I very simply HAVE to go back and quote and comment as I go! I've only gotten to the point where Piper dies (don't you truly wish she'd just stayed dead at this point? I sure do - especially if that meant this was the series finale and we wouldn't have had to tolerate any more!) but I can already tell that this is going to be one of your best reviews yet!

Aug 26, 2015 17:48:07 GMT -5 @p3nathan said:

Sesquicentennial Charmed- Romance is Dead
A.k.a: The Seven Year Witch

ROFL! That’s one of your very best titles because it’s just so true!

We begin with Piper and Paige going to save an innocent. Yes, you read that correctly.

And that’s the Drake influence. Don’t you truly wish he could’ve stayed with them for the rest of the series??? I know because he was played by Billy Zane the dying WB couldn’t afford him, but still….

Piper and Paige talk about how Drake is going to die by the end of this episode... but of course it’s not Drake they feel bad for; it’s Phoebe. Because she’s so unlucky in love and her life is so hard and yada yada yada, you know the drill by now.

*sigh* Yes, we do. And now we know why she’s so much PhoeME – her sister and half-sister are enablers. Can’t you just imagine Prue telling both PhoeME and Ms. Whinealot to quit feeling sorry for themselves and let’s go save that innocent?

What annoys me most is that Paige does most of the talking here. Paige, who’s boyfriend was quite recently killed! But who cares about her right? It’s Phoebe that has it so, so tough. Change the damn record, writers!

But don’t forget – unless your name is Prue, you totally forget about your boyfriend the episode after they die – there’s so many men out there in San Francisco to find and jump!

Mercifully, the demons attack.

*sigh* THANK GOD!

Paige: Uh, ugly metal…thing!
Or what we on planet Earth call a pipe. Dingbat.

I forget. What color is Paige’s hair right now? She tended to get ditzier the blonder she got – all that peroxide going straight to her brain.

A demon spits a bunch of thorns from her mouth. Piper blows her up, but ends up with a thorn in her hand. Gee, if only Piper had some sort of power that she could use to stop incoming attacks. What would you call that? A kind of “freezing” power perhaps? How handy that would be in situations like this. Oh well.

This is the first time I laughed until my sides ached! Kern has truly forgotten Piper’s original power!

Piper and Paige orb home and are greeted by a sight that’s either terrifying or hilarious... Leo in his massive, stupid Elder robe. The gold one in season 5/6 looked pretty cheap, but damn, this actually looks like the world’s most drab circus tent.

And now I’m laughing so hard my eyes are tearing up!

Elders Sandra and Grumpus think that Leo trying to balance two different lives is the issue (no sh!t guys). So they’re going to strip his memory and send him to the middle of nowhere and see where destiny leads him or whatever. Yeah, it’s all really stupid, even by Elder standards.

Anyone think they really did that in hopes that he wouldn’t be able to save Piper?

Grumpus very aggressively orbs Leo to his destination; which seems to be in the middle of a dirt road. This causes a car accident (good job Elders) and Leo does his doctor bit. He’s having flashbacks by the way... they reuse that footage from “Saving Private Leo” for the second time this season.

Sandra explains what is happening to Piper. Piper gets all “Oh no she did-ent. Girrrl, hold my broom!”



Paige: This is your idea of a rah-rah speech? You’re supposed to be cheering her up, not pushing her off the ledge!
Phoebe: Well, you know what, Paige? Maybe I’m just all rah-rah’ed out.

Aaaand we’re back to Phoebe. I know it’s setting us up for the Cole stuff, but still...GAH!

Why couldn’t we just have gone straight to Piper dying and find Cole and not have to go through all of this?

Drake basically tells them to shut up feeling sorry for themselves and get off their arses.

REPEAT: I WISH DRAKE COULD’VE BEEN WITH THEM FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON!!! In fact, I wish Phoebe had met him instead of Cole in Season Three!

Leo has found a police station and they establish that he could be a doctor. Funny that he’d remember his medical education only when his memories have been wiped. Not that I’m complaining; it’s better than the Leo who doesn’t believe in hormones!

*scratches head* Since when did Leo stop believing in hormones? Did you forget him in Season Two when getting into Piper’s pants was more important than guiding the Charmed Ones?

Sheriff: Son, you’re bound to be a bit jumpy. I’m guessing you went through some kind of hell to get here.

Well between being married to Piper and working with the Elders, I’d say hell is a pretty accurate summation, yep.

Back to laughing – now the tears are back and rolling down my cheeks! All part of why no way I believe that Leo would still be with Piper when they’re grandparents! Not unless he’s REALLY masochistic!

Phoebe: I have been heartbroken so many times by love that I’m just beginning to think that I’m supposed to live my life without it.
Drake: What…that is ridiculous. Nobody is. I’ve been demonic without love, so I know what I’m talking about. Love is transcendent. It’s miraculous.

Yes, but it isn’t forced to be romantic. Plenty of people are genuinely happy being single; it does NOT make them loveless. Family, friends, children etc. This show has such a “one size fits all” view of the world, it’s so frustrating sometimes.

Amen! And that’s what this is setting us up for – all three sisters married with three children living sappily ever after. Shall I barf now or barf later? This is particularly true of Piper who should’ve been divorced and childless and happily cooking and not worrying about anyone besides herself, but also Phoebe who should’ve been the new Grams – divorced seven times – but never having a child because she’s too damaged inside. Please note: this is KERN’S PhoeME and Ms. Whinealot, not Paul Ruditis’ Phoebs and Piper. But even them I’d prefer one of them single and happy or a single mother and happy.

Piper freaks out at Darryl over the phone. I wish he’d hang up on her, but sadly she does so first. Ungrateful shrew.

Piper is dead. Hooray. That’s the end of the review everyone. See you all later.

And as I said at the beginning – DON’T I WISH!!!!

... Okay, so that’s not the end and she’s not technically dead. She’s having an out of body experience or whatever and she’s greeted by Cole, who’s hair seems spikier.

Drake diagnoses Piper with love-sickness, which must be contagious because here I am about to puke.

And that’s when I was on the floor, laughing my freakin’ a$$ off!

Phoebe senses Cole for a moment, but shrugs it off.

Of course – it’s not all about her. And from what I’ve read, Julian didn’t want to act with Alyssa…but I’m not sure if that’s true. It would be fun if it was.

Piper: Since when do you quote Shakespeare?
Cole: It’s a recent affliction, actually.

Hint that he knows Drake for us there.

And one that totally went over my head, so good job catching it!

So they’re in the cosmic void between life and death. Cole tells Piper that he wants her and Leo to stay together and that’s why he’s there. Piper is skeptical, which she should be, because I’m not sure anybody cares about that except the writers at this stage.

Cole wants Piper and Leo to be as miserable as he is…that’s the only reason I can come up with.

Leo is sat in a diner with the woman who played Luke’s wacky sister in Gilmore Girls and Susan’s wacky sister in ER. She’s not that wacky here though.

Don’t you wish she was? Put something interesting into this extremely boring episode.

Leo sees the mark of his wedding ring on his finger and flashes back to early season 3 where he proposes.

Just looking at the run time, I forgot how little Cole is actually in this episode.

You REALLY thought this episode would be about COLE??? Silly you!

Elder Grumpus turns up outside the diner and offers Leo a lift in his truck, because he’s nothing if not a cheating, manipulative, weasel of a man. I’d love to know how this jacka$$ became an Elder. But then, same goes for the majority of these jacka$$es really.

This is where I became convinced that these Elders are like Leo – whitelighters who were raised to Elderhood LONG before their time and whose powers went directly to their head. These are the leaders of Good??? I think I’m going to have fun being evil….

Piper and Cole spat some more and talk about love. Really overloading on the corny, Valentines Day card stuff.

Grumpus gives Leo the Elder sales pitch.



Cole: She hasn’t been able to find love since me or at least hold onto it. And I know that’s my fault.

What? Oh please, give me a... look, I’m not saying the whole thing couldn’t have left some scars, but why must the writers constantly absolve Phoebe of all responsibility? And what on earth does Cole have to do with Phoebe not being able to hold onto guys? Jason ended it after finding out her secret, Leslie left because he was never staying in the first place; neither had anything to do with anything Cole did!

Hate to say it, but I’m very simply yawning here. Not at your comments – just at the episode. Alyssa really did want everyone to think that Phoebe was perfect, didn’t she?

Phoebe and Paige find Leo and Grumpus.

Phoebe:  What are you doing here, and what did you do to Leo?
Grumpus: We let destiny run its course, and so should you.
(He grabs Leo and orbs out.)

Pah. Wow, this guy really is something else! Sandra should fry his arse!

Amen! I can’t for the life of me figure out how Kern could possibly think someone like this should be the leader of Good! But *sigh* I guess the Elders have to be as morally grey as the Charmed Ones, right? Because they’re just humans, not real angels, right? (Did you note the sarcasm in that comment?)

Piper goes back to her body.

Phoebe and Paige call Grumpus and Leo to the bridge and they tell Grumpus to shove it. Leo feels Piper dying, which triggers his memory of how awful she is and he jumps off the bridge to end his suffering. Oh is that not exactly how it went down?

ROFLMFAO!!! And there’s your best comment yet!!! HOW I WISH! HOW I WISH! HOW I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Leo is mortal now... and also practically invulnerable apparently, because jumping off the bridge seems to have only given him a small gash on his face and he’s otherwise perfectly fine.

Hehehehe! And of COURSE he has to be mortal. After all, how else can he and Piper live sappily ever after in whatever dream world Kern stuck them in during “Forever Crap”, I mean “Forever Piper”, I mean “Forever Charmed”?

Wyatt has healed Piper. Oh thank God, I was so worried that with Leo being powerless we’d be short our best deus ex machina. What a relief!

Shouldn’t that have been Paige’s role? Oh, yeah, for how ditzy she is, she knows better than to love her sisters enough to heal them. Wyatt’s too young to realize his mother is unloveable.

Piper, Leo and Wyatt have a family hug.


Phoebe and Drake say their goodbyes and they have one last kiss, right before the writers decide to ruin this for me in the last couple of minutes...

Cole shows up for Drake’s death.

Drake: I couldn’t have tasted life unless you set me up with that sorcerer. I just wish I could save you, too.
Cole: I’ve come to terms with my fate, especially now that I know it won’t be Phoebe’s, too.
Drake: So that was a pretty bold move sending in those thorn demons.
Cole: Well, I had to risk everything for this one.
Drake: Understandably.

*Sigh* So not only is Drake Cole’s errand boy; which for me really lessens my feelings for the character... we also learn that Cole sent demons to attack and poison someone, all for the sake of Phoebe’s love life. See, this is why I just can’t see this episode as the great “farewell Cole” event that many do... because to me it just shows that after everything that happened in season 5, he’s still all about Phoebe and to hell with anyone else who might get hurt. For me, that’s just salt in the wound. But hey, if others appreciated it, good stuff.

Well, I’m completely with you. Which unfortunately tells me that it might be Season 9 that is the alternate universe and Season 10 that is the true Season 9 that follows the mess known as Season 7 and 8. Because the Cole in Season 9 and “The War on the Witches” never would’ve done this while the one in Season 10 would.

We end with Piper and Leo.

Leo: I just can’t believe it. I don’t have powers anymore. I don’t hear jingling. I can’t orb.
Piper: Is that bad?
Leo: Are you kidding? It’s great. It’s everything I’ve wanted ever since the day I met you.

You know that happened in season 2, right? You demanded they reinstate you. Ringing any bells?

Hehehehehe. My favorite Leo-moment and naturally Kern’s Leo totally forgets it. And people wonder why I count S4-8 as an alternate universe spin-off…

Leo: Hey, you wanted a normal life.
Piper: Yeah. Uh, you take Wyatt. I’ll get Chris.
Leo: Um, I was thinking maybe pancakes and eggs. How about you?
Piper: Sounds normal.

Yeah? Well it’s not f*****g normal alright? So shut up! Seriously, you're still a witch, your kids are still whitelighter-witches, you’re still living with your witch and whitelighter-witch sisters! One mortal living with you is not going to give you a normal freakin' life; if anything it’ll just be weirder for him now!

Does anyone else wish that the Elders would’ve made PIPER normal about this time, too? What a perfect ending THAT would’ve been – much more than this barfy thing.

Next up: Zankou returns.

Yay! At least if we have to say good-bye to Drake we can say welcome back to my other favorite S7 character.

[Deleted]

Which unfortunately tells me that it might be Season 9 that is the alternate universe and Season 10 that is the true Season 9 that follows the mess known as Season 7 and 8. Because the Cole in Season 9 and “The War on the Witches” never would’ve done this while the one in Season 10 would.

Not canon, doesn't count. 

And people wonder why I count S4-8 as an alternate universe spin-off…

You do whatever turns you on, Es.  However, unlike the comics and e-books, the later seasons of the show, good and bad, ARE canon.  We're just going to have to accept that.

[lilchi7212]

Aug 26, 2015 18:08:39 GMT -5 @tim66 said:

They could only get Julian McMahon for one day. He was working on Nip/Tuck at that time.

Nip/Tuck was on hiatus at that time

[adzpower]

"Phoebe and Paige call Grumpus and Leo to the bridge and they tell Grumpus to shove it. Leo feels Piper dying, which triggers his memory of how awful she is and he jumps off the bridge to end his suffering. Oh is that not exactly how it went down?"

NOOOOOOOOOOO I LITERALLY JUST SPAT OUT MY BRAN FLAKES!

[Esmeralda]

Aug 28, 2015 5:26:24 GMT -5 adzpower said:

"Phoebe and Paige call Grumpus and Leo to the bridge and they tell Grumpus to shove it. Leo feels Piper dying, which triggers his memory of how awful she is and he jumps off the bridge to end his suffering. Oh is that not exactly how it went down?"

NOOOOOOOOOOO I LITERALLY JUST SPAT OUT MY BRAN FLAKES!

ROFL! Wouldn't that truly have been the best way to end Leo?

[Esmeralda]

Does anyone know when the next issue of Season 10 comes out? I have a hunch I'll continue to not like it, but just like the first time I watched S6-8, I still want to know what happens.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2015 17:02:26 GMT -5 Esmeralda said:

Does anyone know when the next issue of Season 10 comes out? I have a hunch I'll continue to not like it, but just like the first time I watched S6-8, I still want to know what happens.

Next Wednesday I think.

[Deleted]

Just remember the name of the Nicholas Cage movie that might have inspired Leo's fall.  It's called City Of Angels.

[Esmeralda]

Aug 28, 2015 17:26:26 GMT -5 @p3nathan said:

Aug 28, 2015 17:02:26 GMT -5 Esmeralda said:

Does anyone know when the next issue of Season 10 comes out? I have a hunch I'll continue to not like it, but just like the first time I watched S6-8, I still want to know what happens.

Next Wednesday I think.

Cool! Thank you.

I have a friend who's a huge Cole-fan and she's agreed to take them from me if I continue to not like them.

[Deleted]

Reasons to Bind Wyatt #2856

A.k.a.- Scry Hard



Still trying to figure out what that title has to do with the episode. I mean they do scry at one point I guess, but it seems kinda random to name the episode after that.





Leo has tidied up the attic; in fact he’s tidied up the whole Manor apparently. He seems genuinely pleased with himself, but that ends quickly when Piper shows as much gratitude as you’d expect from her.



We get our first look at the dollhouse replica of Halliwell Manor. Kudos to the props department, I must say.







Piper: Have you gone crazy again?


Not too soon to joke about that huh Piper? Sensitive as always.







A demon attacks with an evil boomerang and manages to scratch Leo. Turns out he’s one of Zankou’s new minions.



Dido sings us into San Francisco.



Piper goes off on a rant when she finds Leo looking through the book; telling him that he’s not vanquishing anybody and that he’s not safe and so on. Woman, chill; he’s just doing research!







Paige is being a weirdo at Notwarts.


Paige: Oh, come on, come on. Advanced magical orbing. Tuesdays or Thursdays?


Advanced magical orbing? As opposed to what, basic mortal orbing? Why are they orbing anyway, is this place teaching whitelighters now?








Zankou tells us and his minions about what he is planning. He’s... well, I’ll just quote him:


Zankou: Your troops and I are gonna keep them busy while you return to the manor to locate the spiritual Nexus and with it... the Shadow.

That's why you wounded their former Whitelighter. If I know these witches, and I do, they're gonna strike back with the full power of three. But they won't do that unless Leo is somewhere safe. So, yes, the manor will be empty.







Paige goes to get Phoebe to demon fight, but then Elise leaves Phoebe in charge of the paper. Yes, seriously. The woman who acts like she’s trying to split the atom just writing her damn column is going to run the Bay Mirror. When I first saw this, I actually thought they were going to write Elise out and give Phoebe her job... thankfully that didn’t happen. But still, this is ridiculous.



Piper goes on at Leo some more about how he basically needs to crawl in a hole now that he doesn’t have powers. Can’t you just give him some potions or something?



Three demons attack. Piper completely annihilates two of them in one hit; then a few seconds later is barely able to graze the third... because they want to keep that one around for longer. Also, Piper sees the boomerang heading towards Leo, shouts his name, then blasts the demon... you could have frozen it and saved him the injury you idiot! Oh sorry, there I go again, remembering she has two powers.



Wyatt is worried by all of this, so he zaps Piper and Leo down to size and sticks them in the doll house; naturally.





Phoebe and Paige are hiding from Zankou and his minions in the underworld and Phoebe’s phone goes off.


Paige: Will you turn that thing off?

Phoebe: Sorry, but you gotta admire the range. We're in the underworld. That's good.


Hey Paige, maybe if you throw your useless sister at Zankou for him to destroy, you could make a break for it.
Paige heeds my advice, waves her arm and shouts "Phoebe!" Phoebe looks confused "Paige, what are you..." her voice is cut off as she vanishes in orbs. Zankou steps back as a cloud of orbs drops Phoebe on her arse right at his feet. Paige cackles maniacally in the distance as she orbs off to get herself a latte. 




Meanwhile, Piper and Leo try to get Wyatt to release them.


Piper: Okay. Let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch. Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You will stop this nonsense right now!


Piper’s usual strategy of solving all her problems by shrieking at them, surprisingly does not work.







Piper tries to blast the window to get Paige’s attention, but gets bounced off a force field. Ouch, that looked pretty painful.







Piper: That's all you've got for me? We're just supposed to sit here and do nothing while you bleed to death on the couch?

Leo: What do you want me to say? I can't self-heal anymore. Without a doctor...


Um, well you could at the very least apply pressure to the wound. Pretty sure that wouldn’t require a PHD.







Leo gets Piper to stitch up the wound.


Leo: All right, pull the skin together and stitch it through.

Piper: Sure. Easy for you to say.


Yes Piper, the guy getting his gaping wound stitched up without any anaesthetic is definitely in the easiest position in this scenario!





Elise is on a date wearing a lovely, sparkly green top. She’s on a date with the second in command at the paper by the way... so the office pyramid goes: Elise, him, random advice columnist.







Piper and Leo find a way out.


Leo: Blast it.

Piper: Blasting doesn't work.

Leo: Well, maybe the force field only covers the windows and the doors. So, you know, do it.


Well if that’s the case, I’m not sure why she couldn’t have just blown a hole through one of the walls. Although I guess that’d ruin a pretty prop.






We have more stuff at The Bay Mirror with Phoebe, but I’m not interested.





Zankou goes down to the basement and recites the spell:


“Natum Adai Necral, Daya Intay Layok!”


Which I believe translates to: “I want the Woogy, show me the Woogy, give me the Woogy!”


However, it just ends up killing a few of his minions.







Piper and Leo have gotten to the Book. Piper blasts the book’s pages and it flips to the page she wants. Yeah, I have no idea how that works either.






The shadow goes into Leo because he’s neutral, even though he’s totally not neutral, but he doesn’t have powers you see. “We don’t know what neutral means” pretty much seems to be the tagline of season 7. Leo takes out Zankou’s minions and fights him off.


The sisters cast the “I am light” spell, minus the “Go back to dark where shadows dwell, you cannot have this Halliwell” since Leo is a Wyatt I guess.




Piper and Phoebe have an evil look on their faces, they’re planning something. Turns out they’re giving Leo Paige’s job. Of course Paige is totally cool with it; that could have been awkward. And once again, screw all the people working at Notwarts with actual teaching experience!


Piper: And Leo being perfect for the job. Considering your magic know-how you're practically a walking Book of Shadows.

Paige: Well, I have wanted to get out and spread my wings.


First line first- is he though? Like 90% of the time, he’d orb up to get info from The Elders. Then again, he probably knows just as much as these idiots if not more to be fair. Second point- spread your wings Paige? Does that translate to: mooch about some more? Not that I loved headmistress Paige or whatever, but it’d be one thing writing her out of this if they actually had something better planned for her...unless I’m remembering wrong, I don’t think they do!







Next up- A box of spooky, black particles that is NOT The Hollow gets into the hands of a demon.

[Esmeralda]

Great job as always! Actually this was one of the episodes that I liked during a rewatch when I was on vacation and it was on. But now that I've read your review, I'm not quite sure why....

And I liked the next one, too - they save an innocent! Wow! What a concept! Very curious to see what you'll think of it.

As you're rewatching I'll be curious to see how often they call the Woogy the Shadow and how much they call it the nexus, since, of course, in "Something Wicca This Way Goes", it's the Shadow (Woogy) that is destroyed, not the nexus, which, of course, can't be. With all of the fanfics that were written during that time period, most people seemed to think that when the basement was destroyed, the nexus was destroyed, which, of course, is ridiculous. I want to know if it's the fans who were being ridiculous or Kern... I'm betting on Kern, but I'm just not sure...

Speaking of, that was my favorite part of this review:

Zankou goes down to the basement and recites the spell:


“Natum Adai Necral, Daya Intay Layok!”


Which I believe translates to: “I want the Woogy, show me the Woogy, give me the Woogy!”


However, it just ends up killing a few of his minions.

I laughed and I laughed and I laughed! I was just glad that you knew that the Woogy is indeed the Shadow and not the nexus.

[Deleted]

Leo has tidied up the attic; in fact he’s tidied up the whole Manor apparently. He seems genuinely pleased with himself, but that ends quickly when Piper shows as much gratitude as you’d expect from her.

In short, none.

Piper goes off on a rant when she finds Leo looking through the book; telling him that he’s not vanquishing anybody and that he’s not safe and so on. Woman, chill; he’s just doing research!

Gotta keep Leo girl thingy whipped, right Piper.

Advanced magical orbing? As opposed to what, basic mortal orbing? Why are they orbing anyway, is this place teaching whitelighters now?

Followed by the course called How To Rip Off A Popular Franchise And Not Get Sued Into The Poorhouse.

Elise leaves Phoebe in charge of the paper. Yes, seriously. The woman who acts like she’s trying to split the atom just writing her damn column is going to run the Bay Mirror. When I first saw this, I actually thought they were going to write Elise out and give Phoebe her job... thankfully that didn’t happen. But still, this is ridiculous.

I know.  Is the advice columnist that far up the totem pole.

Hey Paige, maybe if you throw your useless sister at Zankou for him to destroy, you could make a break for it.
Paige heeds my advice, waves her arm and shouts "Phoebe!" Phoebe looks confused "Paige, what are you..." her voice is cut off as she vanishes in orbs. Zankou steps back as a cloud of orbs drops Phoebe on her arse right at his feet. Paige cackles maniacally in the distance as she orbs off to get herself a latte.

Paige: Mua! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Piper’s usual strategy of solving all her problems by shrieking at them, surprisingly does not work.

That's Piper's main power, shrieking at things into deafness.

I can't self-heal anymore.

Uh, Leo, you couldn't self heal at ALL!

Elise is on a date wearing a lovely, sparkly green top. She’s on a date with the second in command at the paper by the way... so the office pyramid goes: Elise, him, random advice columnist.

And then they go to P3.  Yeah, Elise, no chance of running into Phoebe there.  Duhhhhhh....

We have more stuff at The Bay Mirror with Phoebe, but I’m not interested.

Neither am I.

Which I believe translates to: “I want the Woogy, show me the Woogy, give me the Woogy!”

Sounds good to me.

The sisters cast the “I am light” spell, minus the “Go back to dark where shadows dwell, you cannot have this Halliwell” since Leo is a Wyatt I guess.

Mr. Piper Halliwell, everyone!

First line first- is he though? Like 90% of the time, he’d orb up to get info from The Elders. Then again, he probably knows just as much as these idiots if not more to be fair. Second point- spread your wings Paige? Does that translate to: mooch about some more? Not that I loved headmistress Paige or whatever, but it’d be one thing writing her out of this if they actually had something better planned for her...unless I’m remembering wrong, I don’t think they do!

Nope, she just sits on her a** for the rest of the season.

Next up- A box of spooky, black particles that is NOT The Hollow gets into the hands of a demon.

Oh, that rubbish Pandora's Box episode.  Another script that should have been fed through the nearest paper shredder.

[Astral Vision]

Another great review. You know, it's strange how none of the sisters have the power to freeze. Would come in handy in so many of their demon fighting/innocent saving situations, wouldn't it? If only one of the sisters could have that power. Oh, wait.

And I think the advanced magical orbing class is a private class for Paige's sole benefit - a class that is supposed to help her remember that she has that power.

[Esmeralda]

Aug 29, 2015 12:03:57 GMT -5 Astral Vision said:

Another great review. You know, it's strange how none of the sisters have the power to freeze. Would come in handy in so many of their demon fighting/innocent saving situations, wouldn't it? If only one of the sisters could have that power. Oh, wait.

And I think the advanced magical orbing class is a private class for Paige's sole benefit - a class that is supposed to help her remember that she has that power.

ROFL! You and P3Nathan should collaborate on these reviews - they'd be so hilarious and so true!